It's Okay to Be Scared

I felt his little hand tighten in mine and his feet started to drag, scuffing along the pavement, as the school loomed ahead in the distance, looking too big to even me. To his little eyes, I’m sure it was gigantic and threatening. I stopped and crouched down to his level, those beautiful chocolate brown eyes staring back at me.

“Do you think they will like me?” He asked me for the hundredth time in the last few weeks.

“I am positive they will love you, little man. What’s not to love? You are smart and funny and the most handsome little guy I have ever seen.”

“You have to say that. You’re my sister.”

“Listen, have I ever lied to you?”

He cocked his little head, thinking hard. I could see the gears turning, him trying his best to come up with a time I had ever wronged him. If I let this continue, we would be here awhile and he would be late because I had always and would always put him first and he knew it. He was just staling.

I stood up again, looked down at him and gave his little hand a gentle tug. “Come on. You don’t want to be late.”

“I’m scared, Rory.”

I stopped again, pulling us to the edge of the sidewalk and apologized to the frazzled looking mom rushing past, dragging her two children behind her. I bent down again, pulling his little body against mine in a firm hug. I breathed in his scent, memorizing this essence of innocence. This cookies and milk scent that he always seemed to carry, even after I had just scrubbed him from head to toe. I steadied my breathing as I pulled him back and looked again into his large doe eyes.

If he thought this was hard on him, I was dying inside. I didn’t want this, either. I didn’t want him growing up and starting school. Taking on new adventures, making new friends. Every little step he would take was a step away from needing me anymore. I knew it really wasn’t but I couldn’t help these feelings I, too, had struggled with this summer. Worry coursing through me at the uncharted waters we would both be facing. I wasn’t ready for it but time does not stop and here we were. The first morning of school.

“I know you are, buddy. It’s okay to be scared. Actually, being scared the first time you do something is totally normal. I’d be worried more if you weren’t. But, remember, last week we came and met your teachers. Miss Kelly and Miss Lyndsey. You liked them, right?”

A sheepish grin made a small appearance, those adorable dimples highlighting the corners of his mouth as he rocked back and forth on his feet. “Yeah.”

“Well, Miss Kelly and Miss Lyndsey are waiting and they will have lots of new friends for you to meet. And, remember, they are all new and scared, too. This is everyone’s first day of preschool so everyone is new.”

That logic seemed to appease his little four year old mind. He gripped my hand with new found courage and started walking toward the school again, pulling me now as he trotted along. I grabbed the two plastic shopping bags of first day supplies I had set down and followed along. Walking behind him, his backpack looked too large on that tiny little body and I had to fight to control my emotions. He was just too little for all this.

But, I knew he needed it and I did, too. I had holed myself up in that house for the last three years, playing mother to him and maid to Phil. Asking Phil to pull me out for home school so that I could care for Nate, knowing that we could not afford a babysitter and knowing I couldn’t stand to part from him. Keeping up with my studies with frequent trips to the library and secondhand text books I found for cheap at thrift stores. Working night after night in the diner for minimum wage and scarce tips to help pay the bills and pull my weight. Never wanting to be a burden to Phil, I tried my best to take care of Nate and stay out of Phil’s way but I could feel things were changing. The tension the last few months was becoming unbearable and I didn’t know what to do.