Seducing My Ex-husband

"I'm sick with you, Helga. I want divorce! Divorce! Can you not understand that? Let us just stop this.” The man paused, containing the bubbling anger down his chest, but he failed, “Let us be done with this misery, because I'm done with you and I cannot take this anymore!"

Tears streams freely down my lashes. His stabbing words hurts my heart over and over again, like a never ending knives aimed directly at my soul. Piercing it like a maniac administering a glorious torture, it hurts.

How many times did I heard him say this? Two? Four? Five? I lost count.

Am I disappointed? It was not a new scene, after spending a year with him; disappointment was never a foreign feeling.

I know what he wants, and I perfectly understand what he meant. Yet, my stubborn heart refuse to comply and will rather seek the comfort of blind oblivion, than abiding by the rule of common sense.

Every time he brought this up, I can never force myself to agree. It was in vain, for my chest would feel stuffy and it was as if a huge boulder would automatically weigh down on me.

Rendering me no choice but to embrace the man and clutch onto his robe regardless of how many times he had broken my trust. Even if thousands of needle seems like assaulting my chest, still I chose to hold on because I love him.

"No, Martin. What exactly is the problem? Do not casually mention divorce. Let us fix this, okay? I love you and we are married, let us talk this over, please?"

I reach my hand trying to hold his arm as tears keeps pouring down my face- unabashed.

Martin dodged and avoided my touch making me heart tremble. As if, he is very repulsed about my very existence. His cold dark eyes holding me captive.

"It's too late Helga. I cannot live with you anymore. You are so selfish. You hurt people just because you want to. I feel disgusted just by looking at you!" he bellowed.

With his accusation, I automatically argued back. My temper mixed with sadness and pain flaring up, like a wounded feral beast, forced into a corner.

"You're being unfair! You are the one who has somebody else waiting for you, just outside of our door! You are the one who is cheating with another woman outside. People see you Martin! Why don’t you tell me, just who is the selfish one? Is it wrong for me to tell your woman that she is flirting with a married man? Such a shameless and immoral act and I’m not allowed to say a word or two?!"

My hand grabs the vase and roughly throw it against the wall. The porcelain shattered with a bang sound. Just remembering that woman's face made my chest ache even more.

How dare she create a dent between Martin and my mine’s marriage?

"She's just my friend Helga! How many times do I have to tell you that we do not have any some sort of a relationship that you keep pushing upon us?” his face turned grim, “You slap her in front of so many people, Helga. Don't you feel even a pitiful shred of remorse for what you have done? God knows if you would someday resort to killing! For god’s sake just because of your jealousy, you can hurt an innocent person, just to satisfy your vainness! Forget it; you are just another braindead woman."

He's defending Nadia, his mistress again?! My fingers unconsciously clutch the hem of my cloth as I heard the undisguised dripping venom on his voice.

"If she's just your friend, why doesn't she stay away from you? She knows that you are a married man, Martin, then why is she clinging to you like a snake? If you were indeed friends, why would you even divorce me? She's your mistress right?! Admit it!"

I raise my voice to match his, feeling desperate as each word that spilled our lips were like poison that none of us would be able to swallow back.

I don't want to give up, I couldn’t afford to back down. I have to prove my point to him. However, I know deep down that nothing would change.

How cheap was I to hold onto false hope?

Martin's eyes are red from suppressed anger. Without any another word, the man turned and walked towards the door, slamming it open and strode towards his car.

However, before he drove away, as if he found my heart unwounded enough he uttered words that would forever haunt my dreams, "My lawyer will bring the divorce paper for you!"

No, he cannot leave me! I panicked. Fear attacked my chest.

 "No! Martin! Tell me what you do not want about me- I will change it for you! I-I am just being jealous. I-I will not believe those gossiping people again. I understand they are just creating rumors! Just please do not leave me! I will not pester her anymore! I do not want to divorce you! Don’t leave, hear me out!"

I screamed as I run with my bare foot slamming on the ground just to chase after him. However, I only saw his car pulling further and further away from our home. I just stood by the door blankly looking at his speeding car.

At that moment, I feel lost. So lost. It was as if a bucket of cold water was poured over my head, drenching me from head to toe.

I stood frozen and rooted on the ground. Do I have to nurse my wounded heart in the dark’s company again? When will this pattern end?

He is going towards her place again. I know.

My knees felt weak. My lashes, wet from tears. Lines of the now wet black eyeliner coated my cheeks. I know I look like a mess. I am more than aware that I look pathetically wasted.

Why is he doing this to me? Just for that woman, he can bear to hurt and insult like a rag that is meant to be trampled on.

What happened to our vow? Are the happy memories we have with each other – were they just a sweet dream or perhaps, a wishful thinking? Or, was the promises and dream that we built together and planned just my illusion from the very beginning?

Ridiculous!

Martin, did you really loved me?

"I just don't want to lose you."

I roughly clutched my hair until I can feel the numbing sensation on my scalp, hoping to divert the pain I am feeling and possibly wake myself up from this nightmare.

My heart feels very heavy, yet at the same time empty.

I wanted so bad to scream -but my heart feels weary- and only broken sobs dared to escape my throat.

My foot mechanically moved until a sharp pain tore into the soles of my foot. Blood immediately gushed out dying the ground red. Instead of crying from anguish, I chuckled -humorless chuckle.

"I'm your wife, but, why do I have to beg for your time? And now it feels like everything is acting up against me."

With my shaking fingers, I slowly pulled the large shard of glass that pierced my flesh. Under the lame light coming from the scented candles that I purchased, the ghastly red pool underneath my foot contrasted greatly from the spotless white floor.

Biting my lower to hold myself from screaming out, I tossed the slightly cold shard coated with blood quickly away from me. I dragged my body into a wall as I glare at the candle lit dinner that I have painstakingly prepared only for everything to turn into a bitter mess.

The dishes have long turned cold; the sweet music like a mocking spectator rang into the silent night. The flowers on the table looks lonely as I stood against the untouched and messy meal, with the thousands year old wine rolled down the ground. The rose petals scattered at the ground was mixed with a number of shard.

I withdraw my gaze from it as beads of fluid sprang down my cheeks.

What happened next past like a blur. As I continue staring at the direction, he drove off to, like a fool that I was.

Eyes unblinking. I stayed there doing nothing until my body gave up from exhaustion.