Drowning In My Own Tears Novels & Stories

"Look how broken you are. Look at where life has taken you. Look at yourself now." I bit my bottom lip as another batch of tears fell from my eyes. "But look too, you've gone too far so don't give up, okay? You're stronger than you think, okay?" I made my voice a little cheerful even in between my uncontrollable sobs. I covered my mouth then tried my best to brush my tears away. To dry my face. But my eyes won't stop vomiting warm liquids which kept my face wet for quite long. I lifted my head while my hands are on my nape. But still, tears are flooding my face. And it feels like I'm drowning. It's familiar though. Maybe it's because I've known the feeling of drowning?

She rocked me gently, like a mother soothing a distraught child, her warmth a stark contrast to the coldness that had permeated my day. I buried my face in her shoulder, the soft fabric of her hoodie quickly soaking with my hot tears, the scent of her familiar perfume a small comfort. I clung to her like a lifeline, as if she were the only thing tethering me to sanity. “I can’t do this, Bia,” I choked out, my voice broken, ragged with sobs, barely intelligible. “I thought I could handle it. I told myself I could. But I’m drowning. I’m utterly, completely drowning.”

The hurt is always there, just beneath the surface, waiting to swallow me whole A sob escapes my throat, the sound startling me in the quiet of the room. I don’t recognize it this broken, desperate noise that I didn’t even know I was capable of making. I press my hand to my mouth, trying to stop the flood of tears, but it’s too late. The dam has broken, and the tears pour out uncontrollably, like a river that’s been held back for far too long.

I love it. My body sinks unhurriedly into the depth, and I feel resurrected. I start propelling like a dolphin. Tears begin cascading down, yet again, making me speed my swimming pace to the pool end, where I flip back in the same manner. I just cry in the water, for it's easier to even fool myself that I'm okay while I'm not. The water washes my tears as quickly as they come.

The cold tear seems to burn my skin with each touch, but I don’t mind. Each tear signifies a broken memory, a memory that caused me pain. I think about my childhood, my dad, my new-found family and Jim. “I hurt Kendra” my mind continuously reminds me and I sob uncontrollably in the shower, placing my palm over my mouth, trying not to make a noise or draw attention. I slip my hands through my hair, squeezing them tight. It feels like I’m drowning, and I don’t want to be rescued. The wall seems to be closing in on me, and I don’t even try to make an attempt to stop it.

I hissed into my palm as regret filled my throat, suffocating me. "I hate this," I screamed, my voice cracking as I hurled the glass against the wall. It shattered, shards scattering across the floor. I sank to my knees, my shoulders shaking as sobs wracked my body. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, couldn't stop the pain from overwhelming me. All I could do was let it all out, let the emotions that had been pent up inside me pour out in a torrent of tears.

I dropped down to the floor, trying to clean up my mess. "Damn it," I whimpered. I was losing it. It had been such a long fucking day. Barely keeping it together. On autopilot. So close to snapping. A warbling noise bubbled past my lips, tears welling in my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried not to cry. So hard, but I couldn't help the first sob slip past my lips. Everyone was staring at me. I could feel it. But damn it, if that didn't make the tears fall faster, humiliating me further.

Tears began falling before I realized I was crying, creating tiny ripples on the pool's surface. My body shook with sobs I couldn't contain as I tried to pull myself out of the water. "Why?" The question echoed. "Why can't I stop replaying everything?" My elbow found the pool's edge as grief overwhelmed me. "You're going to get sick." A familiar, quiet voice cut through my spiral of despair, instantly recognizable.

I turn my head to look down at the long, bloody scar on my porcelain skin and blow on it. I wince, fighting back the tears that are threatening to fall; just because I understand why I'm being forced to wear this dress, which wraps around my body like a second skin and leaves little to the imagination, does not mean I'm thrilled. I stare back at myself, after wiping the cloudy mirror with my shaking hand, the young carefree woman with so much ambition has vanished. Allowing tears to well up in my eyes serves as a reminder that I am human and that it is perfectly normal to feel as though you are drowning in a sea of despair.

I am sure I will be loud this time, not some quiet sob. I stood, shut the door, and knelt on it, and that was when the hot tears kept dripping down like rain that won't stop.I cried till there were no more tears. My eyes are all puffed. Lying right there on the floor, I couldn't do anything but just cry. I couldn't even bathe. I couldn't do anything. My life is slowly slipping away. For the first time in my life. I feel worthless. I feel useless.I screamed, walked around, and knelt down.