I Can't Control Myself Novels & Stories

We both held each other tightly, as we both drifted off to sleep. CONRI. I'm going insane! I'm fucking going crazy! Everything is just crumbling around me. And I can't do anything about it. This is not me. This is not who I am. I am always in control. I get whatever I want. Why then I'm I not able to handle everything right now. Why does it feel like my world is about to shatter right in front of me? And I won't be able to do anything.

I can’t do anything to make it better and that gets to me. Usually if there is a problem with anything, I can fix it, I can sort it out and I can make it right. But this, well it’s totally out of my control and I hate that feeling. I feel totally, utterly useless and powerless. Right at the moment when this young woman needs me, I can’t do anything for her situation other than console her.

I buckled forward and clutched my knees to stop me from falling forward. “Fuck,” Brandon hissed. He marched forward and placed his hand on my back. He forced me to stand. He took my face in his hand and willed me to look up at him. “You need to control yourself,” he ordered. My head throbbed, and my face was wet. I brushed the sides of my eyes. My fingers came back bloody. Not again. What’s wrong with me? “I don’t know why this happens,” I confessed. “You lack discipline and control. Don’t let this happen again. Do you hear me?”

I know I get lost in my mind and just do it, but am I that bad? He sighs and leans forward, choking himself on my hand. "You are; I get it. Sometimes, it's uncontrollable, but other times, like now, you can easily stop yourself, Jax. You're in control, but you focus too much on it. You go over it again and again until you end up worse."

I want to touch and jump him every single second of the day. I don't know the kind of self control he's on, but I'll like some for myself. Because I'm definitely getting out of hand at this point. I can't seem to keep it together anymore. He always has himself out together, and I'm here losing my mind because of him.

If I can’t control this— Then I control something else. The game. My future. My path. I double down. Because that’s what I know how to do. Because that’s what I’ve always done. But as I keep walking— There’s one thought I can’t shake. No matter how hard I try. I can control hockey. I can control my game. I can control everything out there. But her? This? Us? I don’t control that. And that might be the thing that breaks me first.

“I believe that you have a lot to tell me.” I did. “I know what you’re going to say,” I muttered. “Nor do I know how I'm going to say it.” “I doubt that.” He glanced up. “You’re angry. You’re impulsive. You want to tear Giovanni’s world apart for what he’s trying to pull. And you are doing your best to try and control yourself.” “Is that not what we should be doing?” I snapped, jaw clenched. “Controlling myself has done nothing except drag me into more problems except drag me into more health than I would want to deal with and accept push me to the limits that I did not want to think about.”

He wanted me just as badly as I wanted him. And yet, he chose to torture us both. He grabbed his phone from the counter and left the kitchen. I exhaled sharply, my hand pressing against my wet front. Why is it so damn hard to control yourself? I raked my fingers through my hair, frustrated. I wouldn't lie—I was disappointed he didn't take things further. Maybe I needed to learn how to control myself around him. ⸻ I did something I swore I'd never do because of a man. Pleasured myself.

It would seize every opportunity to abet me to kill others or seize control of my body. I must always restrain my desires and impulses to keep myself from becoming a tyrannical sinner. I had forgotten what truly mine looked like. I try every day to appear decent, calm, and gentlemanly, trying to ignore my possessiveness and control and all my dark thoughts. I've restrained myself for eighteen years. I've gotten used to this life. However, every time I see my son, Mark, I lose control.

I don't need a man after all. But each time I scroll through my contacts, his name is at the top of the list. It makes it really hard 'not to be a mess.' When I mean mess, I'm clumsy. Can you believe I almost slip on the bathroom floor this morning, lost in thought, thinking how my life would have been if I hadn't wanted to 'sin' that night? Stayed home and took Kira and Odin's bullshit, waking up the next day like nothing happens. I'll probably need a bandage after pulmetting my head on the wall with zero tolerance, zero self-control.