Novel & Cerita I Don''t Want To Be Loved

With a sigh, I covered myself with the blanket and closed my eyes. I was not feeling like myself anymore. I don't want to fall in love. It'll hurt if he doesn't love me back. Knowing how he is, it'll take forever to make him love me back. I'm sure he'll just see me as a distraction. It's just my job to be an ornament on his arm in every function he attends. It's my job to clean up after every mess he makes. It's my job to give him children. That's it. It shouldn't matter whether he loves me or not.

But you know what is funny, I don't want to hate you, because it burns me to my very core, not letting me sleep at night and I don't freaking want you to have that power over me. I want you to be my nothing, because that is what I was to you, hating you means giving you way too much importance and you aren't fucking deserving of it. .......................................................... #Day 33 I need to remind myself every now and then, that the person I was in love with doesn't exist, he was just in my imaginations. You can't be in love with an imagination, right? It hurts like a bitch to think that the person I was in love with never even existed.

I am one person that has never managed to make anyone, and when I say anyone I mean including my parents, love me. But I do manage to make people hate me with a passion. Maybe I am cursed to be hated. Maybe I am just too ugly for humanity to like. Maybe a thousand other reasons but I do know I've never felt it before. Love. I've never felt how it's like to be loved. Even men don't want me. No one has ever wanted me. I am only good enough to be used and dumped without looking back.

“I don’t want to assume anymore, I don’t want to get hurt anymore… and I don’t want to hope that soon he will love me.” ---

Feelings were out of my nature. I don't do love anymore. I've been broken so bad that I never even want to have the thought of it. Love disgusts me and I wanted nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing.

I couldn't move, my mind seemed to be crying and he was making me lie down. I blinked hard and cast a spell. Simultaneously with my deep breathing was the trembling of my lips. He's right .. I've always hated my scar, but I've never been able to get rid of it, even now that I have money. Not because I don't want anyone else to see it, but because I really don't want it to go away. I want .. to feel loved not because I have what they are looking for, not because everything is acceptable to me, but because .. they just really love me. And no flaw can measure that love.

𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗯 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝗷𝗲𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁. "𝖨sn't me being with you enough? I don't just let anyone touch me Ronan. I don't just let anyone kiss me. 𝖨 don't just let anyone make love to me. 𝖠𝗇𝖽 I don't say, "𝗜 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆 𝗼𝘂" 𝗍𝗈 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗈𝗇𝖾.

" The whole shop is watching me, another embarrassing moment for me. "Listen..." I look more intensely into his eyes "I prefer you been gay than Falling for me this way, this all feels wrong." I slowly removed his fingers turn by turn before leaving the coffee shop. I took a taxi straight home. Getting to the gate, I feel dizzy and feel like breaking down. I've thought so much for the last few days, cried so Much and its all affecting me now. How can he say he likes me, was he never gay? He is not supposed to have an interest in women. Finally, I locked my door, I can't keep on holding these tears, I scream loud, I have to cry once, so I don't die of the pain inside. "How can Braden say he l

“And let me tell you a secret, Mason. I never loved you either. I thought I did, but I was wrong. What I felt for you wasn’t love—it was just the desperate need to be wanted by someone. Anyone. Even a piece of shit like you.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them, but as soon as they were out, I knew they were true. I hadn’t loved Mason. I’d loved the idea of being loved. I’d been so desperate to feel wanted after years of being loved by no one following my mom’s death that I’d settled for the first man who showed interest in me. But I wasn’t that person anymore.

“We were children.” “We were meant to be—” “No,” I said. “We weren’t. I may have believed that once, but you have proven over and over again that the only thing you care about is control. You don’t want love—you want possession. You want a title. A spotlight.” “I loved you—”