Chapter Three: She came back

SIMON POV

TWO YEARS LATER

 

I push the glass entrance door and slip myself in as I try to cover my drunken eyes from last night's party with a black shades on. It's been going for a while now. I find parties numbing a lot of pain. It makes me forget about the old days and some other things including the wound in my family that my father left.

 

I smile at the lady as she walks past me from the line. She has bright red lipstick on and just got her coffee. One more customer before it's my turn. I look around, especially outside. I see. The day is good-looking. Sun is out.  Everyone's shuffling from one place to another. Talking. Stumbling. Smiling. Laughing. They are all different. 

 

When the guy in front of me walks away from the line, I step into the spot he leaves. I look at the girl behind the counter. She has a smile on her lips. I recognize a familiarity with those lines next to her lips. Her eyes wrinkle in a genuine delight too. I know those eyes. It's hers. It's Era's. 

 

“Hey, there. What can I get you?” She is still smiling at me and I am not sure if I can remember to speak. My heart drops at the sight of her. The memories and pain seem to gather back around my head. 

 

Her hair is short to her neck. She has a yellow apron on which adds to the flicker of a brighter day. I like that her presence matches the glow of the sun outside on trees and on the streets. 

 

“Sir?” She calls again. “The line is getting long. Your order, please?” I can tell she's getting impatient. But it's odd for her to call me sir. I don't think she recognizes me. She didn't mention my name, so I guess she doesn't. I guess that's a good thing. 

 

It's been two years. After that night, when she chose to forget everything our friendship had, she disappeared from Holy Cross Village. Nobody else knows where she went but now, she's back. 

 

“Coffee. One cappuccino. ” I say before I grab my wallet from the pocket of my jeans and take a cash out. 

 

Era works on my order. Grabbing a to-go cup and begins putting all the ingredients in. I just watch her. I see, she's working here now. I have never seen her for two years. I know she's been doing everything to get out of my way, and good thing she made me understand why. I don't have to think more of it.  

 

I admit it was a painful end for us, but I felt betrayed and felt I was tossed away just like she did those years ago in our friendship. 

 

“People change, Simon. Things change. It's never going to be the same after that.”  I remember her saying this to me the last night we saw each other.

 

I could still hear her firm voice with a misery mixed in it. I wasn't convinced of it entirely, but she's got to be right about that now.

 

People changed. I changed. She changed. We did. Sometimes, it seems still the same despite the changes but when life hits you from a different direction, sure, some things are not really the same anymore. 

 

She hands me my coffee then I hand her my cash. I don't expect our hands to touch, but they just did, which the touch leaves an electricity pinch on my skin, but it goes away fast.  I don't look at her eyes anymore. I turn around and exit through the door as fast as I can muster. 

 

Once I reach outside, I stop at my feet. I have to look at her for the last time because this could be the last chance we are going to see each other. I don't know if that's a good thing. It has to be. Just one more glance at her, then I'll be fine. 

 

I take a slight turn of my shoulder. The moment my eyes find her, she has her eyes on me. And then, she smiles just like that. From that moment, I know she recognizes me. She does. She knows it's me. We hold each other's gaze through this glass wall and for me it's enough. Then her smile fades away. But from this sight, there is a sadness I sense from the way she's watching at me. An apologetic one. An apology we never said to each other. It's like through this, she's sending me one. But it's too late for it somehow. Things have changed.

 

She changed me.

 

That night when I walked away, I have decided that to forget it all is to move on with my life without her in it. She was my best friend. And knowing she had been moving on with her life with her first love without the thought of including me in the picture. It was a pain I tried to ignore. Hoping that I could somehow fix the crack or fill in the hole in our friendship. I was fighting alone for it. I was chasing the wrong clouds.  

 

I take a deep breath and finally walk back to my car. Here's another thing, my car is a mess. There are a lot of papers and bottles of liquors. I write sometimes. Just randomly. I drink while writing just so I can be more honest with myself. After every writing session, I would just crumple my confession and toss it around wherever it takes offs off. 

 

Another sigh leaves my mouth as I take a sip of my coffee. My car is facing the coffee shop, so I still have a view of her doing her work. 

 

My attention slashes away when my phone rings from the console, I grab it to answer.

 

“Yes?” I say. 

 

“Where are you?!” Kim's voice chimes from the other line. “You didn't come home last night. Mother's home.” Her voice descends at the mention of my mother. She hasn't been home for three months. She never called once.

 

Kim shames for the fact that our mother might have forgotten about us just like our father did. 

 

Another sigh leaves my mouth, “That's a piece of good news. Why are you sad?”

 

“You get here. Talk to her. ” She tells me, ignoring my question. “I can't stand looking at her.” 

 

Kim knows how considerate I am with my mother. I know my mother has gone through a heartbreak from my father, especially when she found out he did it with her sister. I wanted to make her feel seen and understood. I think I have never seen it a bad thing of her being too busy with her life. It helped her in a lot of healthy ways. But I have no idea what she's really up to now. She barely tells us. 

 

 

“C'mon Kim. She's still our mother.”

 

“I know. Don't have to remind me of that. You remind her that we're still her children and just because she has through a lot of pain. Like a lot, ” She emphasizes the last few words but I don't like the sound of it from her. “We were hurt, too.” She sounds like she wants to say something further, but the exhaustion stops her.  “Talk to her, Si. Do it for me. Ask her about things, then let me know.” Kim ends the call before I can respond. 

 

I know she's still concerned for mom, but Kim changed, too. That's what I realized. She barely even talk to me about her life. She broke up with her boyfriend a week after she went on that THE SMITH's show. It was probably him who got lost. She was left heartbroken from the skin to bones. She could not leave her room for weeks. She couldn't eat properly. It has taken over her life in full catastrophic failure to even take of herself. She mistakenly thought I was satisfied with the news, but honestly. It's not satisfying to see your sister come out of her room with puffy red eyes. A messy hair with the same shirt straight five days. It's like I was there but couldn't lend a single help at all. I was a useless hand. It was hard to figure out how to help someone when at the same time, I was hurting and broken inside too. 

 

I put my phone back to the console then start driving away. I glance at the shop once again in accident. Era is standing outside with her hand on her forehead trying to block the sun from her eyes. She scans the parking area until they land on me. She drops her hand to her side as if she has accomplished her searching. She looks like she wants me to stop, but I look away just in time. 

 

That should be a good thing. 

 

---

 

Kim is sitting on the grass outside our house. She's holding her phone up against her ear. Her lips are moving as she talks. It's been so long since she sits there. It's her therapeutic spot whenever she feels panicky in a situation.  She sits there and makes conversation with whoever she can reach to call. She told me this before.

 

Her eyes follow me as I park the car across her. “I'll call you back.” I hear her say. 

 

I slide out of the car and close the door behind me. “Where is she?”

 

“Inside. Good to see you with shades on. Been drunk again?” She predicts with a trace of disappointment in her voice.

 

I let out an amused laugh, “Not really.” 

 

“Era's back.” She blurts out. Out of all things I expect her to tell me, this is not one of them. 

 

I open my mouth in surprise, but not really surprised at that fact but just surprised by her telling me this. “I know,” I admit. I put my hands on my hips to wait for her to say more. 

 

“You knew?” A shock leaves her mouth. “How could you not tell me?” 

 

“What do you mean? I just saw her in the coffee shop this morning.” 

 

“Oh, how was she?”

 

“Good. I guess.” 

 

“How are you?” She shifts on her position. Her legs are bent in front of her as she wraps her arms around it. “I saw her unloading her car yesterday. I couldn't say hi. I sense a bit of change on her.”

 

“What do you mean?” I become curious all of a sudden as to what she's going to say.

 

“You know, ” She says, “She dresses back to being Era when you were younger. She's way more focused. Way more beautiful and graceful in her movements.” She shrugs. “ I don't know. It seems to me that she becomes a new stranger. A good different woman.” 

 

My eyes meet the ground instantly. I can't help but look toward their house. There is a bit of guilt I feel when Kim describes Era that way. Because it could be true. But the way I described her was only with a smile. How could my eyes be that narrow? Her smile is all I ever noticed. Not her graceful movements or the way she was focused on her work. That is partly false because I knew then that she had a hard time focusing on her work when I saw her standing outside, looking for me. She was distracted by my presence. I knew she was.  

 

“She looks different. Yeah.” I nod while I speak in a cold voice. “I have to say hello to mom.” I walk past Kim. 

 

“Or maybe say hello to Era, too.” She adds before she watches me disappear into the house. 

 

I contemplate upon her suggestion. It's not that easy. 

 

When I reach the living room, my mother is watching a KUWTK (Keeping Up With the Kardashians) episode on TV. She loves that show.

 

 

 

“Simon?” She picks herself up from the couch and lifts her arms to embrace me. “Oh, sweetie. How are you?” She puts her head on my chest. 

 

 

 “Great. Fine.” I lie. I hope she won't smell the remaining hint of alcohol on me. “I...I didn't know you would be home today.” 

 

She slowly pulls away from me. She moves back to the couch with a heavy breath. “I couldn't tell you. I lost your contacts. I broke my phone. I lost the connection between you and me.” She turns the TV off. “Kim is not giving me an eye or word. She must have decided that I...” She continues. “ I failed.” 

 

“She was disappointed that you never called is even once within three months. Just give her time to heal the pain.” I take a seat next to her. 

 

“Do you think I failed?” She says. She gives me a look of hope that I wouldn't say yes. But there's also a hint of possibility she expects from me that I would. 

 

I shake my head in hesitation. “I guess you partly did. I had let you be. I just don't know what happened to you.” 

 

She bites on her nails before saying, “I met your dad. I think we're working things out again.” She confides in me. She doesn't look away. She waits for me to say something but I just look away from her in complete dismay. I don't know why. I should be happy for her. For them. But I am hurt hearing this from her. 

 

I stand to my feet in silence, ready to leave. She calls my name twice but I am already outside the house. Kim is just walking toward the entrance. Then, she stops when she sees me in a rage of anger. “Si is everything...” 

 

“Simon!” My mother calls from the door, but I don't look back. 

 

Kim's eyes are switching back and forth between us two not having a clue what is happening.  

 

 

I continue walking until I reach my car. My keys fall to the ground in such a careless move. I kick the door of my car before picking it up.  I open the car and slip inside. My hands are gripping hard the steering wheel in frustration and confusion. I wish I could scream but it's just not coming out of me. Then, I drive away. 

 

Why am I so mad about my mom getting back to my father? All these times, I thought she was healing herself from the heartbreak, but I should have known that she's going the other way. I was just so clueless. We are so clueless. I've let her be because that was best for her and then all of a sudden she would come back to tell us that she's working things out with our cheater father? Did she forget the pain he made her feel? That her husband cheated with her sister? With her sister. 

 

She is right about Kim's conclusion of her. She failed. We all did. And I'm so tired of this. It's like going back to the very start and it feels like I live in a damn cycle when all I thought I was moving forward. 

 

I turn to the left. I'm getting another coffee.