Our First Kiss

But I didn’t. I didn’t want him to ever let me go. His body was so warm and he smelled so good. I fell back into romanticizing his feelings for me. It felt like he was holding me differently. He didn’t hold me like Baylen’s little sister. He held me like I was a woman. He held me like he wanted me.

“Keegan…” I started, but was interrupted by him talking over me.

“I still need you,” he said softly. “I have always needed you. I have always wanted others in my life. But you, Brees…you are who I have always needed.”

He placed both hands on my face, cupping my ears and the back of my head. He kissed the top of my head slowly and softly, as he had always done. His lips stayed pressed against my forehead for longer than usual. I closed my eyes and took in this moment. He continued kissing my head, then he kissed down to my nose and my cheek. My pulse increased rapidly. He pulled my face in closer so that my lips were by his. I expected a cheek kiss like before and turned my cheek to him. He grabbed my chin and slowly turned my face back to meet his and he gently pressed his lips against mine. Keegan Patts was kissing me. I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t.

At first I didn’t kiss him back. Why was he kissing me now? What about Jada and Jeff? My head was spinning and I had so many questions. He must have felt my resistance because he stopped kissing me and backed away.

“I’m so sorry, Brees. I should have asked you first. I feel like such an idiot. I felt so connected to you and the mistletoe was right there,” he said, fumbling over his words.

I stepped toward him and grabbed his hands. “Don’t be sorry Keegan. I’ve wanted to kiss you my entire life. There are just so many things that are running through my mind right now. I think you are upset and you need someone right now. That someone isn’t me though. I don’t want you doing something you will regret,” I said holding back tears. I wanted him to kiss me more than anything. My heart was aching for him to pull me back in. But I knew he was in pain and I was the only one around at the moment.

“Brees, I have wanted to kiss you for my entire life too. When I saw that photo of you kissing that Jeff kid, it tore me up. But I had to play it cool and act as if it didn’t hurt me, but it did. Please understand that. When we were at my party, I wanted to kiss you then, but I always worry about who I will hurt if I do. I would never regret anything with you. My heart wants what it wants… and it wants you,” he said, grabbing my waist and pulling my body against his.

This time I didn’t resist when he pulled me in. This time I let his mouth find its way around mine. He massaged my tongue so softly with his own. He grabbed me by the back of the hair gently and kissed me as if he would never get the chance to do this ever again. The way he moved his hands around my waist and on my neck were so incredibly jolting. It was like he had truly been waiting for this moment forever. I wanted this to never stop. We kissed for what felt like forever and also felt, not long enough. When we were able to break ourselves away from our heated kiss, panting and smiling, he held me. He placed his chin on top of my head and swayed with me. I didn’t speak, I just enjoyed what was happening at the moment. Finally, he said something.

“Brees, I want to be with you. That’s all I truly want. I also don’t want to hurt anyone. If this is what you want too, I will talk to Baylen, Jeff and Jada tomorrow. Please say you want this too. I am so miserable without you,” he said, pleading with his eyes. His lips were still wet from our kiss. I couldn’t stop looking at them.

Wait, why did he need to talk to Baylen? I pulled my head off of his chest and looked up at him.

“Kee, why do you need to talk to Bay?” I asked, still inhaling his cologne during my inquisition.

He took his arms from around me and it felt very serious. He held my hands and looked at me quizzically.

“Baylen told me to stay away from you, Brees. You didn’t know? That’s the reason I didn’t kiss you at my party. I told him that I would, but this has been super difficult. I really want to follow my heart, but Bay has been an amazing friend to me, so I vowed that I would always keep you as only a friend,” he said.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Why would Bay do that? He knows how much of a crush I have had on Keegan. Why would he want to ruin my happiness like this? My eyes started to tear up but I held it in.

“Wow. I really wish you would have just been honest with me instead of dating someone else. Plus, I’m dating someone now too and I don’t know that this would be fair to him,” I said, stepping away from Keegan. “I need to go. What am I even doing? I have a boyfriend, Keegan. You have a… Jada. This was a mistake. I think I hear your mom’s car outside anyways,” I said, still stifling those same tears.

“Brees, please don’t walk away from me,” he begged, grabbing my arm. I hesitated for a while, wanting to run back into his arms. But I decided I should go to my room instead. I wiggled my arm from his hand and stared at him for a minute. I know my anger and heartbreak were written all over my face.

“I can’t do this Keegan. Not tonight, not like this. You broke my heart this summer and for what? So that Baylen would be happy? I need a moment to think,” I said storming off.

I closed my bedroom door behind me and leaned heavily against it until I slid down to the floor. The tears couldn’t hold on any longer. They began to fall. Why was he doing this now? Why did Baylen meddle in our love story? What was I going to say to Jeff? I heard the door close and I ran to the window. I could see Keegan walking out to his mom’s car. As he got into the front seat, his eyes met mine. I didn’t even look away. He mouthed the words I STILL NEED YOU, and then closed the door after giving a little wave. He was breaking my heart all over again, but this time in a different way. There was no reason for me to walk away from Jeff. He had been an amazing boyfriend and I really liked him. Keegan being my reason isn’t enough anymore. I kept myself off the market for long enough waiting for Keegan Patts to love me back. But it kept nagging at me that he had wanted me all this time, but he felt he wasn’t able to be with me. My mom had been completely right. I had to call Casey. I’m sure she was back home by now. I truly didn’t know what to do. How would Keegan react if he knew that I overheard Jared and his mistress? Everything was a mess. I threw myself on my bed and cried into my pillow. I ended up falling asleep in that position. Wondering. Hoping. Hurting. I still love Keegan Patts, was my conclusion when I awoke the next morning.