29: I Should Have Chosen You

I held my breath, ready for Trenton to fight me on this just like he had since the moment I rejected him. I expected questions, excuses, maybe even another speech about how the Moon Goddess had made us mates for a reason and we shouldn't throw away something sacred.

Instead, he wiped the tears from his face and straightened himself. "OK, Ava. I will."

"OK?" I stared at him, wondering if I'd heard him correctly.

"I realised that I haven't been a good mate to you either, and you're right about everything." He took a deep breath, but it shook on the way out. "I have never put you first in anything since the day we met. Not once. But that changes today."

Something in his expression made me nervous.

Not because I thought he would change his mind, but because for the first time ever, Trenton wasn't trying to defend himself.

He wasn't defending Alastor either.

"I, Trenton Alexander Drexel, accept your rejection, Ava-Rose Redclaw."

The pain hit him before I even had time to react.

Trenton's hand ripped out of mine as his entire body jerked backwards. A horrible gasp tore from his throat, and he grabbed his chest with both hands before dropping to his knees.

"Trenton!" I reached for him, but he threw one hand out.

"Don't." His voice sounded strangled.

I stepped back and watched as his face went pale. Sweat appeared across his forehead as he bent forward, breathing through clenched teeth. Every muscle in his arms tightened beneath his shirt, and the veins along his neck stood out as another wave of pain moved through him.

I waited for mine.

I knew what rejection was supposed to feel like. I remembered the agony when I had rejected him, even though he had refused to accept it. I remembered the burning inside my chest and the feeling of something invisible being ripped apart.

This time, there was only a sharp pang beneath my ribs.

I sucked in a breath. Then it was gone.

I blinked.

'That's it?' Kennedy stirred inside me, almost as confused as I was.

'I guess so.'

I pressed my hand against my chest and waited for another wave to come, but it didn't.

Across from me, Trenton looked like someone had reached inside his body and wrapped both hands around his heart.

"Fuck," he gasped.

He fell forward, catching himself on his palms as a broken groan left him.

I took a step towards him. "Trenton."

"I said don't."

There was no anger in his voice.

I stood there helplessly as he lowered his head between his shoulders and tried to breathe through whatever was happening to him. I could hear his heartbeat from where I stood, hammering so violently that for a moment I wondered if I should call the healer back.

Then I realised something.

Maybe it hurt him more because he was the one who had been holding on.

I had rejected Trenton years ago. Maybe some part of me had already begun letting him go from the moment those words left my mouth. I had spent the years since slowly killing whatever feelings remained every time he stood beside Alastor instead of me, every time he arrived after the damage had already been done, and every time he told me his brother wasn't as bad as I thought.

Trenton hadn't done that.

He had never let me go.

Until now.

I felt sad for the nineteen-year-old girl who once thought finding two mates meant Selene had loved her enough to give her twice the happiness. Sad for the woman who had spent ten years sneaking into another man's arms because those arms were the only place in Drexel Forest where she sometimes felt wanted instead of owned.

But my heart wasn't breaking.

Maybe because Trenton had broken it so slowly over the years that there wasn't much left for the rejection to take.

'Are you OK?' Kennedy asked.

I thought about it. 'I am.'

Trenton finally pushed himself upright until he was sitting on his heels. His face was wet again, although I wasn't sure if it was sweat or tears anymore.

Probably both.

"Is it gone?" he asked.

I knew exactly what he meant.

I searched for him.

Not with my eyes or my nose, but with that strange part of myself that had always known Trenton was there. The invisible thread that had remained between us even after I rejected him. The warmth beneath my skin whenever he touched me. That annoying little pull that had made staying away from him harder than it should have been.

I found nothing.

I looked at him and felt nothing supernatural pulling me closer.

"Yes," I whispered. "It's gone."

Trenton closed his eyes, and another tear rolled down his cheek.

"Good."

"Good?"

He laughed, but it sounded miserable. "Don't look so surprised. I told you I was going to do one thing right by you today."

"Trenton..."

"No." He shook his head and slowly climbed to his feet. His legs weren't completely steady, but when I reached for him, he moved away from my hand. "You said everything you needed to say. Let me say this."

I lowered my hand.

He looked at me for a long moment. "I love you, Ava. Maybe not the way you need me to, and clearly not the way you deserve, but I do love you. I always will." He rubbed a hand over his chest. "I just spent so much time thinking loving you was enough that I never stopped to look at what I was actually doing to you."

I gulped.

"I thought because I wasn't Alastor, that made me the good brother."

There it was.

The excuse he had hidden behind since the moment we met.

Trenton gave a humourless laugh. "That's a pretty fucking low bar, isn't it?"

"Very."

He almost smiled.

"I kept telling myself I was protecting you by not challenging him. That if I pushed too hard, he'd hurt you worse. That if I stayed close to him, I could stop things from getting completely out of control."

"You couldn't."

"I know."

Trenton looked towards the garden, and his eyes moved over the flowers as though he was seeing them differently too.

"I should have chosen you."