Chapter 20- The burial

The sky was a gray the next morning. It was like the sun did not want to see what we were doing.

We buried the people who died at light.

There were twelve graves. We dug twelve holes in the earth behind the eastern ridge. The soil was good there. The trees gave us some shelter. We wrapped the bodies in white cloth. That was all we could give them. We did not have coffins or long speeches. The pack just stood in a circle heads bowed. The wind carried the smell of dirt and last nights blood.

I stood beside Damon. I was still wearing his cloak. My hand was in his. Our fingers were tight. It almost hurt,. We did not let go. My shoulder still hurt. His ribs were stiff. We moved like people, slow and careful.. We were alive. That felt like a miracle.

Rafe spoke first. His voice cracked when he talked about the warriors who died. Then an older woman spoke about her sister. One by one people said names and memories. They said what they liked about the people who died. When it was my turn I almost could not speak.

I stepped closer to the graves. The wind pulled at my hair.

"I did not know all of you " I said quietly. "Some of you probably did not like me a week ago.. You fought anyway. You stood for this pack. For me. I will not forget that. I am sorry I was not faster. I am sorry I could not save you."

My voice broke. Damons hand got tighter around mine.

I looked at the twelve mounds of earth.

"Thank you " I whispered. "For giving me time to become what I am."

Mara said a prayer. It was short and simple. It was about the Moon Goddess welcoming her children. Then we covered the graves with soil and stones. Someone brought wildflowers. Someone else planted wooden markers with names on them.

The whole thing felt too small for what happened.

After the burial the pack slowly went back to the house. Some people went to train. Some went to fix the walls. Most people just needed to keep moving so they did not have to think hard.

Damon and I stayed behind for a while. We sat on the grass near the graves. His arm was around my shoulders. I leaned against him. I was exhausted.

"I keep seeing their faces " I said quietly. "The ones who died. I keep wondering if they would still be alive if I had done things sooner. If I had been stronger."

Damon was quiet for a moment. His fingers stroked my arm slowly.

"You can not carry that " he said finally. "If you start counting every life like it's your fault you will drown. I know. I have tried."

I looked up at him. "You lost people before?"

"Yes " he said. "When I first became Alpha. When my father died. Every time I made a call. I used to sit too. Blaming myself. It does not help the dead. It only hurts the living."

I swallowed hard. "I do not know how to do this. Be the White Wolf. Be the mate. Be the person everyone is looking at now."

Damon turned me gently so I was facing him. His hands cupped my face. His thumbs brushed my cheeks.

"You do not have to know everything " he said softly. "You just have to keep choosing. Like you did yesterday. Like you did when you chose to fight beside me of running. That is enough."

Tears stung my eyes again. I was so tired of crying.

"I am scared I will fail them " I whispered.

Damon leaned his forehead against mine. "You will not " he said. "Because you are not doing it alone anymore. I am here. The pack is starting to see you.. Even if some of them are still scared... We will face it together."

I closed my eyes. I let myself breathe him in.

"I love you " I said. The words still felt new. They felt right. "I love you even when it hurts. Even when I am terrified."

Damons breath hitched. He kissed me softly.

"I love you too " he whispered. "More than I ever thought I could love anyone. You scare me, Isla. In the way."

We stayed there for a time sitting among the fresh graves holding each other while the wind moved through the trees. It was not peaceful. Grief does not work like that.. It was honest. Real.

Eventually we stood up. Damon kept his arm around my waist as we walked back. My legs still felt shaky. I was not falling anymore.

When we reached the pack house people were waiting.

Rafe stepped forward first.

"We want to train with you " he said. "Both of you. The ones who are ready. We want to learn how to fight beside the White Wolf."

I looked at Damon. He gave me a nod.

I turned back to them.

"Okay " I said. ". I am not going to pretend I know everything. We will learn together."

that evening, when the sun had gone down and the pack house had settled into a quiet Damon and I went back to our quarters.

He locked the door.

Then he just looked at me.

"Come here " he said softly.

I went.

He pulled me into his arms. Held me. We did not speak much. We did not need to. His hands moved slowly over my back. I did the running my fingers over his scar feeling his heart under my palm.

We ended up in bed again. Not rushing. Not desperate. Just skin against skin breathing each other in.

"I am so tired " I whispered against his chest.

"Sleep " he murmured, lips brushing my forehead. "I have got you."

For the first time in what felt like forever I believed him.

I fell asleep wrapped in his arms the bond humming between us, his heartbeat, under my ear.

Tomorrow would bring training. More fear. More questions.

Tonight I let myself rest.

Tonight I let myself be loved.