Yesterday's Whisper

"Manong, bayad po."

Inabot ko sa kanya ang dalawampong pisong aking hawak bago ako nagpasyang bumaba. Pagkababa ko ng tricycle na aking sinakyan ay tinahak ko ang mabato at matarib na daan patungo sa lugar na aking kinamulatan. Banayad kong tinahak ang daan patungo roon.

Tunog ng mga nalagas na dahon mula sa naglalakihang mga puno at ingay ng mga nagliliparang ibon sa himpapawid ang aking naririnig. Matalahib na daan at kulay luntian ang aking nasisilayan.

The tender rays of the sun kissed my skin. The summer air blows my black and wavy hair seems so alluring.

Pagkaraan lamang ng ilang minutong aking paglalakad ay narating ko rin ang aming tahanan. I stare at it, I didn't know how long I was staring at the place I will always call my home. All I know is that, I misses everything that had happened here.

Memories.

The memories of my parents lingered on my mind. Masasakit at masasayang mga alaala kasama sila. The day when my father left us. Followed by my mother after a months. I also missed their smiles and laughter every time I made and said some funny jokes. My childhood memories. Our simple yet full of happiness and positivity life. I missed those.

Yet I miss him more...

Maybe our love for each other was not blessed by some gods and goddesses if I would base it in fairytale. We will only break our heart. We will only ruin each others lives. We will only hurt ourselves. And I don't want that to happen. Never. I don't like the idea of him being hurt. Despite the things he did. That will be the last thing I would do if possible. I love him so damn much. That I know I can't even bear seeing him hurt. I love him beyond anything. I am sure of that.

But things had changed.

He may not know the reason why I did it. But I am hoping that somehow, he could find it himself. Realize the consequences of his actions. The weighs of his words. Find the reason behind my sudden disappearance.

Besides, I only did it for him to be free, from the things he don't like, from the very beginning. And I have my doubts. But despite the doubts I have for him, I still gave him my everything. Because I love him. Mas lamang sa akin ang pagmamahal ko sa kanyang walang kapantay. Pero sa kabila ng mga bagay na aking naibigay at nagawa ay kailaman hindi ko nagawang maging una pagdating sa kanya. Tanging segunda lamang ako. Pangalawa sa lahat ng aspeto.

My heart crumpled at the thought, and I smiled bitterly.

I wonder what would happen if I didn't make and chose that choice back then. Will I ended up like this? Turning and coming back from where I came from? With sorrow and pain that consumed my whole being. And for the second time, I inhaled a deep breath. Touching and caressing my womb smoothly while suppressing a sob. Whispering sweet words to calm myself down. At last, I smiled again while wiping my own tears.

"We'll be okay. I will love you as much as I love him. Your father, baby."

Kahit sobrang mahal ko siya ay hindi ko magagawang ilagay sa alanganin ang batang nasa aking sinapupunan. He or she is my flesh and blood. Hindi ko gugustuhin ang makitang masasaktan siya. Tratuhin ng hindi nararapat. Dahil hindi ako magdadalawang isip na ipaglaban siya.

I am willing to do and trade everything I have just to make him or her safe. Even if it cost my happiness. Even him. My child is the only proof I have that once in my life, I found him. Patunay at alaala na minsan sa aking buhay ay dumaan siya. Nangyari. At natuto akong magmahal. Sa lahat ng nangyari sa akin ay ang anak ko ang pinakamaganda maliban sa kanya.

Because he will remain as the best part of my life. The best chapter of my story. The most beautiful scene among all the scenery. Despite of the things he had done.