Novel & Cerita I Feel Like I Lost Myself

And I realized that my sister wasn’t the only thing I had lost. I had lost myself. And now, the spine wanted it back.

I am deceived by my own mind, so I want to be everywhere but out of it. My intensity is consuming everything within me, and I expect everyone to be the same, which is never the case. It feels like I am watching myself lose every bit of my being to something I can’t fully understand. I no longer trust myself and this makes me doubt everyone who has access to my life.

I sighed to myself Deep down, a quiet part of me wondered if I’d just lost a piece of myself forever.

I felt like I was mourning the loss of something special, something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As I stood there, crying and feeling helpless, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something. I was missing a piece of myself, a piece that I couldn't remember or retrieve. I felt like I was searching for something, but I didn't know what it was or where to find it.

• ────── ✾ ────── • "November 13. I am so afraid of myself. Of not being able and throwing in the towel. That I lost what made me special. I used to boast of being independent, of knowing what I wanted, but now there is only a huge void. I am no longer me. So who am I? I lost myself And I miss him a world…from here to the next galaxy.

I was fighting myself. I was fighting my feelings

It broke me. I wanted to remember, to feel something again, anything. But the more I tried, the further it all went. It felt as though my mind was shutting down, refusing to let me into the memories which had defined me to begin with. I was losing myself; I was slipping into a place where not a thing mattered, a place where I would become nobody. I didn't just lose my baby; I lost myself. And now, I don't know how to come back.

“I'm worried Jayden, I….” “Don't stop, tell me what is going on in your mind,” I urged, not taking my eyes from her face. “I feel like I'm losing myself again, this feeling, these feelings are messing with my head and I don't want to lose myself, not again. I don't even know who I am again, it's like everything I have ever known and believed is all just a lie, a convenient illusion and I don't want to be lost. I don't want to lost myself in this heartbreak, I don't want you to hesitate when you want to see me….” She trailed off again and I nodded. “I hate not knowing Jayden, I hate feeling this way.”

Chaos feels so good inside, no more … I lost, I lost, I lost control again … Always do the same and I’m to blame … I lost control again … I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know who I am … Always do the same, and I’m to blame … I lost control again … I sing like I’m confessing. Like the car is a moving confessional, and the steering wheel is the only thing keeping me upright. Oh, I am feeling afraid … But lately I lost my faith … What is love without pain?

My heart was beating so fast it felt like I was about having a heart attack so I leaned against the cold tiles to steady myself. “What is wrong with you?” I finally whispered to myself when I was a bit back to normal. “Why can’t I ever be enough? Why do I keep losing my things? They keep slipping out of my hands and it seems like there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” I continued talking to myself.