Ponyboy Thoughts About Inner Self Novels & Stories

I didn’t want to disgrace myself, and I didn’t want to disgrace my family. It felt like drowning. Like a giant hand was holding me underwater. When I obeyed, the hand loosened. When I disobeyed, it pushed me down again. I betrayed myself. I betrayed all the suffering I had endured. I was weak. I had never been to school. No one had ever taught me how to live, how to stand up for myself, or how to be brave. I was just a pathetic “Bunny Girl,” returning to a mansion I once thought was paradise. I believed I had been saved. I thought I had found redemption.

Perhaps, that vulnerability was real and because even he had learned to convince himself that he was such an asshole in the disguise of being rich and powerful, he was angry at himself for being vulnerable. If that was the case, he wasn’t as scary… just a scary-looking boy with daddy issues… who knows how to fuck too. I slapped myself mentally for having such awkward thoughts. No amount of reminding myself of my present dilemma could rid me of the thoughts of last night from my mind. I began pacing to clear my head, but my imagination already had a will of its own. I could see him in every corner of the room with a wicked smirk and lustful eyes.

"The anger… it was like a fire inside me, all the time. I saved up my lunch money… found this shady guy… and I bought a gun. It was so stupid.” His body shook with the memory. “I wasn’t going to be his punching bag anymore. I had a… a plan. One day, when he came at me, I’d… I’d do it. Then I’d go to school and… and make them all pay, too.” He broke down, sobbing into his hands. “I was going to be a monster. I was just as bad as them.” Zhedya didn’t flinch. He didn’t pull away in horror. Instead, he looked… fascinated. A spark of pride, even, lit his eyes.

Leon tried to bench me, saying I needed to rest after the ordeal, but that was the last thing I wanted and needed. I'd seen myself as strong and capable, as I was always meant to be. Tall, powerful, beautiful. The image of my true self standing tall before the gates of Snow Pointe, not as a prisoner, but as an honored guest, overpowered all other thoughts. I wanted to do more, train more, eat whatever I needed to grow fully into that version of myself.