Ponyboy Thoughts About Inner Self Novels & Stories

I want to take it all back. What does he see now? Damaged goods … Some pathetic little girl that men tried to molest. A slutty girl who encouraged it maybe? Her own father couldn’t even look at her, was too disgusted to want her. That inner shame and self-loathing rising out from the fiery depths once more and I swallow it down. “I don’t want to do this, Jake.” I utter quietly. Looking down at our hands, held together so weirdly fitted and snug. “What? Snuggle in the cab? Let me take advantage of you?” he glances at me a little unsurely. Humor evident, but not quite hitting the mark.

Even with that, I looked at him as he asked. “I know you were thinking of something that disturbs you a lot. You were spiraling just now. I know how that is because I have experience with it. I can tell you now that keeping to yourself isn’t going to help you at all. Your thoughts would only feed off themselves and get darker and darker. It isn’t route I want you to take.” Phoenix said. He talked as if he really knew what he was talking about. That surprised me because what he described was exactly what had been happening.

{INGRID'S POV} * * I really am done with it. I am done with caring. Done with feeling. Done with living like some goddamn pushover. Maybe that punishment will really help in liberating me from this crappy stubbornness of mine and make me a better person that everyone will be satisfied with. Right? I mean, it isn't my fault I grew up to be like this, now is it? To the outside world I am a kid who should listen and be good, but my inside world is a pit of pain and memories of my lonely past.

I muttered to myself, feeling a bit dumbfounded. In a flash, Bryant was kneeling before me, giving me a stern look. “Hey, what did I tell you about beauty and people?” I looked away after catching a glimpse of how serious he looked, knowing that he hated it when I start hating on myself. “Beauty lies on the inside,” I recited, having heard him say it a thousand times before. “-where the heart is,” he finished, smiling softly and placing two fingers right above where my heart was. “But do I really have that too? I mean, seriously. I have murderous and such vengeful thoughts towards those girls at school. Do I even have a pure heart?” I asked him, voicing my deepest fear.

The shift between them. And maybe, finally, it was time he stopped preventing the fact. "I used to think I was invincible," he said suddenly, eyes still on the ceiling. "Like, the type of guy who might crash a bike and still make it to the party." Joy didn’t interrupt. “I wanted people to think I had it all together. Like I didn’t care about anything, but I really just... didn’t want to feel left behind.” He glanced over at her. “That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

The man said, spiraling into thought. "I don't even know what enemy I'm against. Why do I feel like this would be my last job?" He pondered, a pang of anxiety haunting his mind. There were some thoughts that he felt ashamed of having, but they fueled his resolve. "Shut the fuck up, coward!" He spat, talking to himself as if he could drown out his conscience. "You've confronted worse. You've killed over fifty people through fights, bombs, and so on. Capturing this child is nothing for you!"

KYLER The drive back home was quieter than the ride out. Uncle Niko’s words replayed themselves in my mind on a loop, along with the soft memory of Louisa falling asleep in my arms. It somehow made up for the shit storm I found myself in, made me less…angry that I wasn’t who Papa wanted me to be. And a part of me wanted to believe that I could forge my own path and determine my own worth outside him. I really did. But the thing about self-doubt? It's like a stain. You can pretend you don’t see it, but no matter how hard you scrub…it just doesn’t let go that easily.

“He didn’t mean anything by it. You’re scaring them.” “Doesn’t matter!” I explode, the sound echoing through the streets. “You all need to be more aware! This isn’t some damn game! One mistake can cost lives!” The boy finally breaks down, silent tears streaming down his face. The others scramble back, their eyes filled with a mixture of fear and resentment. The sight of their terror brings a cold satisfaction, a momentary release from the torment inside me. But it is fleeting, quickly replaced by a wave of self-loathing. What the actual fuck is wrong with me? Snapping at pups? I'm losing my damn mind.

Leon's POV I am literally the most stupid seventeen years old boy on planet earth. Yes. I am a very stupid and insensitive bastard and I feel like beating myself up. I would if I could but it's not possible. I could ask Jax to do me the favor but I know the idiot would take great pride in doing that and more. He'd probably retaliate for the times I'd humiliated him in front of mom and dad and unfortunately the guards as well. I sigh and look over at Joni. I'd panicked when she suddenly slumped and would have hit her head on the water closet if I'd not been fast enough to catch her. It'd have been an entirely different story - a story I'd probably be too dumbfounded to explain.

He staggers a little but holds his ground impressing me, but he is in no way forgiven. “I thought that there was a little of the old you left in there somewhere. Just a shred, of the boy I knew, the boy who shielded me from a runaway stallion when we were teenagers. The boy, who was so shy that I had to make sure that everything I did was within sight of his window so that he would know that he wasn’t alone. The boy, who asked me to call him by his name and not his title because he wanted a genuine friend. But what I see before me, is exactly the person your father wanted you to be. Cold, calculating, hurtful and selfish.”