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Me and My Broken Pieces

Me and My Broken Pieces

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards ― Søren Kierkegaard -- Hening menggoyang-goyangkan tubuh suaminya yang masih terlelap itu. awalnya hanya perlahan namun karena tidak ada respon, gadis itu lebih kuat lagi mengguncangnya. “Mas Genta bangun!” “Aku masih ngantuk, Ning! Setengah jam!” Ucap Genta tanpe membuka matanya dan menarik selimut untuk menutup seluruh tubuhnya.
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The line from 'The Sickness Unto Death' about despair being the 'impossibility of possibility' keeps rattling around my head whenever I feel stuck. It's not just some abstract academic thing – that phrasing nails the sensation of being paralyzed when you're faced with too many paths forward, or when every path feels like a dead end. Despair isn't just sadness; it's the weird, gnawing sickness that comes from refusing to engage with your own potential, from not wanting to be the self you actually are. Kierkegaard frames the whole thing as a spiritual issue, a misrelation between you and the eternal, which honestly makes more sense the older I get. Mundane disappointment fades, but that deeper despair is about losing your anchor point.

Another one that cuts deep is 'the despair of not willing to be oneself.' That’s the quiet, everyday variety. It’s not dramatic weeping; it’s the numbing comfort of distraction, of choosing to be a collection of roles and expectations instead of a person. I see it all the time, in myself included – you avoid the terrifying freedom of defining who you are, so you just adopt a prefabricated identity. The despair is in that avoidance, in choosing to be a 'copy' rather than an 'original,' as he might say. He ties it back to faith, of course, arguing that true selfhood only happens in relation to God. Even if you don’t buy the theological framework, the psychological map he draws of self-betrayal is uncomfortably accurate.

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