Why Do I Even Bother Novels & Stories

What the hell am I to expect? I shook my head and turned to my books. I shouldn't over think it. It might be nothing after all. I need to get back to school stuff even though I didn't need them. I just needed a distraction. This silly thought of fucking him has to let me be...

Jayla Later that evening, I am still in my room and I try to write an English paper which is due next week. I really shouldn't hurry to do it but I just want to do it and get it over with. But the problem is that no matter how I try, I can't just seem to focus on it and that is because there is only one thing or rather, person in my mind.

DARREN’S POV Boredom has always been a problem for me. I’ve known that for a long time, even before anyone else pointed it out. Most people can sit still when they have nothing to do, find something quiet to pass the time, or just let their minds rest. I can’t do that. When I’m still for too long, my mind doesn’t calm down. It starts searching. It looks for something to focus on, something to move toward, the same way a wolf starts pacing when it’s been held in one place for too long.

It seemed that he does not like being bothered whenever he was busy doing something. Which is normal. After all, who won't feel bothered if someone keeps on disturbing you when you want to focus on something. But Audrey did not stop on bothering her cat just because of that. She continued to ask him questions, trying to see if she could distract him. "Why is that? If I had known before that you like doing this kind of stuff, I would have asked you to do it earlier." [Okay. Now, stop bothering me, could you? I'm busy, can't you see?]

I just needed an escape from my depression and hollowness. “ Or are you feeling guilty for being absent all these while and are trying to make up for it?” Mrs Smith rested against my desk. Why did they keep popping up unexpectedly like they were respawning? “ Not really, I just want to work. I can handle things so don't worry. It's not as hard as you think,” I said.

Sometimes I wobble, but it’s no use crying over spilled milk. What’s the point in obsessing, thinking? It’s not going to change a damn thing, and it can’t alter who I am or what’s expected of me. This is my life, and I need to suck it up and face it like I always do. Crying over what’s broken is for the weak.

I don’t need Jasper’s attention. I have a purpose. That has to be enough. I take a breath, flip the page, and get back to work.

What would I even say? I turn off my phone and try to focus on the tv. The show is over and I haven't even cracked a smile. I pick another one, sci-fi this time, and hope I can watch it. I can't because three minutes in, my phone rings. The way I rush to grab it should be studied. "Yeah?" It's a spam call. I breathe out and drop my phone farther away from me this time. What is on the screen gets interesting until I wonder why I even bother with tv. I pick up my phone, again, this time, having learnt self discipline and scroll through my handles.

“You don’t bother keeping your heart close! You give, and you give, and nothing is ever given back to you; don’t you see how terrible that must be?” I’m stunned and speechless because, in the past, that’s how I used to feel. But I know what I want to do, and furthermore, maybe someday, one final large incident will blow all other's expectations out of the water. “Maybe instead of worrying, you take risks and new hobbies or other things? Why sit at a bar hitting on men you don’t want?”

You’re not good enough. “Why am I even thinking about this like it was an actual option?” I asked myself, while I stared into the mirror. The frustration was written all over my face and my dick was still painfully hard. But after a few minutes with more pacing and several rounds of throwing cold water in my face, I was finally calm enough to go back.