Novel & Cerita Why Do I Even Bother

“He texted. I didn’t reply.” “What? Why not? Dammit woman!” I shrugged. “It’s just not right. I need to focus on me. I don’t need the distraction.” She groaned. “Focus on you? Seriously?” “Yes. Why is that so hard to believe?” “Because you have been focusing on you for thirty-something years. You know you. You don’t need to focus on you anymore. You got you. It’s time to start thinking about you with someone else.” I shrugged, pretending interest in Christmas decorations. “It’s too much work.”

Why is everything happening at once? The fact that I have to force myself to focus on getting through each day is making everything even harder. I can’t even think clearly anymore because of things that shouldn’t matter—but I can’t deny that they keep haunting my mind. Everything is crashing down at once. And when one problem hasn’t even been resolved yet, another one piles on top of it. Just like this, this case is draining me completely, but there’s nothing I can do about it. If I ignore it, it only gets worse. I don’t even know if I can still carry all of this.

"No, I know of a lousy reason you had given me before. I think I'm going to need something more complex." "No civilian. No civilian. It's like a chant in my head and it should be too with you whenever you see the importance of visiting this. I don't want to be with someone who's gonna call me boring tomorrow. I know I am. I seriously don't need anyone to amplify it for me. I just don't want it. I don't think I can handle it again if it happened."

I'm not sure I can muster the energy to truly feel right now. “Thanks, guys,” I mutter, turning away from them to look at my now blank screen. They leave in a flurry of worried goodbyes, but if I were them, I wouldn't be concerned about me. I’ll worry about where I'm going to turn my focus, and that's on what the hell I'm going to do to Jaxon the moment I figure out this IronRoot issue. The IronRoot institute wakes me up, the only thing capable of filling my brain with some sort of spark or momentum.

"You wanted to enjoy then focus on it... Why bothering for unnecessary things?" "No, seriously... What did you do to everyone?" She gasped.

They're shopping and bored as hell! I declined Terrence's offer of giving me a job. I'm very confident that I don't need his pity or whatever. I can get a job of my own and never will I ever let him intervene with my life. I will prove to dad that I can survive on my own. I can feed myself without anyone's help. "Argh!" I groaned again and sighed for the nth time today. The boredom is killing me. I'm not used to just sitting like this and doing nothing. I need to work. I need something to distract my mind because I'm going crazy!

AURELIA POV ~ By evening I was already getting bored. I had spent most of the day doing nothing but resting, thinking, and trying not to think at the same time. At first it felt necessary, my body truly needed the break, but as the hours passed it started to feel suffocating instead. I kept replaying the same conversations in my head, going over details that refused to settle into anything reasonable. I want to go back to work. That thought stays with me longer than anything else. Not because I feel fully ready, but because sitting still like this makes everything worse. At least at the company, there are distractions, things to focus on, something solid to hold onto instead of all these una

I just don’t know what to feel. Am I too selfish to think I don’t like it? That it wasn't the one I wanted to do. Okay, I don’t know what to do but I felt there’s something to do, not that. We can still make another plan. I mean, there’s always a plan b, right? Wait, I don’t know. I'm confused. I cannot think straight. Why, why does all this have to happen? Why just can't we be normal like other people? Why can't we stay human, live like humans, grow old together, die, and be reincarnated again?

I dragged a hand over my face, sighing. Boredom. That’s what it was. Heavy, dull boredom mixed with exhaustion, pressing down on me until I couldn’t tell if I wanted to sleep or scream. I scrolled through my phone for a while, flicking between apps without caring about any of them. A few people had sent me DMs from my livestream earlier, comments about my last post, offers I wasn’t in the mood to answer. I scrolled past all of it. Nothing stuck. Nothing mattered.

If someone is watching me right now and wonders if I have lost my mind, the answer probably is yes, yes, I have. I keep aimlessly walking from wall to wall until I have enough and my head starts spinning. This can't be the most productive way to burn some time. I could go over some paperwork, but what's the point of starting something new and signing some contracts if I don't know the verdict yet?