Novel & Cerita Within You Or Without You

Aninka is so her, surely my mom and her would mesh so well it would drive me crazy. Opportunity. A single word that contains so many internal conflicts to use, a word that makes accepting it raise expectations, a word that could make me have happy or sad moments. Will I be ready to use it?

I was completely, utterly trapped. My mind was a chaotic, swirling nightmare. Bryce was out there. A man who shared my exact face, my voice, and my DNA, was currently wearing my clothes and my wedding ring. He was a deeply traumatised, dangerously delusional stranger who was actively infiltrating my life.

"And whoever sent that message." We were quiet for a moment. "You are not going to back out," she said. Not a question. "No," I said. "Even with this." "Especially with this," I said. "If someone is already watching then walking away does not make me safer. It just means I am outside whatever this is rather than inside it." I paused. "Inside I can see what is happening." "Or you become part of whatever is happening," she said. "I am already part of it," I said. "I was part of it before I walked into that building. I just did not know it."

𝘼𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙧𝙚𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣. 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙫� ��𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙙 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙜𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙚𝙙.

You and Instinct work together on that. You are also that feeling that sits just near my heart, beneath my breastbone, that makes me think twice before I do anything that could potentially make me feel vulnerable. You are there. Hovering. I feel you, and I can hear you telling me not to do it because I may get laughed at. You're telling me this isn't a great idea. You really are quite persistent.

They aren’t here for me physically but I know they’re here in spirit. “How can you see into my eyes, like open doors? Leading you down into my core. Where I've become so numb. Without a soooouuul. My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold. Until you find it there and lead it back home” My voice carried itself up into the ceiling and the echoes vibrated off the walls and surrounded me in a hug. “Now that I know what I'm without. You can't just leave me. Breathe into me and make me real. Bring me to life”

She looked at her reflection in the mirror behind the bar, she looked at the woman staring back, and she realized, with a sudden, strange sense of power, that she had nothing left to lose, she had lost the man, she had lost the friend, she had lost the illusion of a perfect future, and in that loss, there was a terrible, dangerous kind of freedom, she didn't have to be anything for anyone anymore, she could be herself, whoever that was, she could be angry, she could be sad, she could be broken, and it didn't matter, because no one was watching. The door opened behind her, a gust of cool air sweeping into the bar, she didn't turn around, she kept her eyes on her glass, she was in a cocoon of

I sigh. “I don’t want to be a bottleneck,” I say. “Or a ghost.” “There’s a third option,” he replies. “What?” I ask. “Be present without being pivotal,” he says. That sounds elegant. It also sounds terrifying. Presence without pivot means influence without control. Contribution without indispensability. Love without ownership. I don’t tell him that part. But he sees it anyway. “This is the cost of what you wanted,” he adds gently. “You asked for coherence instead of dependence. You got it.”

And let myself be fully present in it. Without apology. Without absence. Without shadow. Just here. In the room I built. In the life I made. In everything that was mine.

I sometimes think my thoughts have its own thought, and it made me feel crazy thinking about it. “No, I’m not you. I mean, in a way.” “Uhm, yes you are.” And here I am, debating with myself. “Listen carefully Ell, I am not you okay. I also thought that you and I are one and that I am also talking to myself. But I figured that I am a different being. I am inside you, for starters. It’s like I am another version of yourself.” “What do you mean inside me?” “I can’t explain it, okay? I just woke up one day and I’m here. This is also new to me. I am confused as well.”