Funniest Cartman Novels & Stories

She climbs on the couch and tears the pack with her teeth. "Let's get some fat!" she munches on the crisps. She's watching some cookshow, something I've never seen her do. She flips the channel and screams when she comes across some cartoon. "What?" "It's American dad! I'd binge this cartoon all day everyday." ^^^^^^^^ I'm not a cartoon person. But American Dad is hilarious. I'm laughing more than Amira is. Amira has stopped eating the crisps and watching the cartoon. She seems distracted.

He crouched to straighten Adrian's clothes. "Dad, will you make up with her?" Adrian glanced at Lauren. Carter looked over, too. A second later, he frowned. "Your old man isn't going to fall into the same ditch three times." Adrian didn't know what to say. Indeed, it would be the third time. "Behold my cotton candy attack!" Carter's vision suddenly went dark. Then, his face felt hot and sticky. It smelled sweet, too. Lauren kicked him square in the lower back. "And why didn't those falls kill you?"

However, it did nothing to mask his sleazy demeanor and the greasiness on his face; it only made him look comical, like a clown. Lily couldn't help herself. "Didn't you say you weren't coming?!" "I heard you were going to invite me to dance and confess your feelings," Cartman said with a lecherous grin, his eyes filled with sleaze, taking shamelessness to new heights. Lily: !!! She had been far too naive in her thinking. Cartman, a shameless and lecherous man, couldn't care less about what others thought of him. As his words hung in the air, laughter erupted from the surrounding crowd.

He's watching Futurama. He laughs at the scene where Fry, the cartoon's protagonist, makes a joke about gum and I lose my straws. Or is it the last straw? Whatever. Without giving it much thought, I pick the pillow up from the side of the couch and toss it as hard as I can in his direction. The pillow hits him in the side of the face and Hudson jumps up in surprise, looking in each direction like the San Francisco mob has started pelting people with pillows rather than bullets. "What the fuck was that for?" he asks, staring at me completely bewildered.

status to flirt with female colleagues from other departments. I tolerated it, telling myself he was just networking. But now, just to impress Miguel and get ahead, he couldn't wait to trample all over me. I let out a short, humorless laugh. "Todd Westman, what right do you have to lecture me?" His eyes darted around for a second before he raised his voice even louder. "I'm just saying this as a colleague who knows right from wrong! You should know what's good for you, Macy!" Looking at his hypocritical, revolting expression, I couldn't even be bothered to argue. I picked up the iced coffee on my desk and, without hesitation, splashed it straight in his face.

His response made my smile widen. "Are you talking about Shrek, sir?" I enquired. My beaming smile was still intact on my face. "I have no idea about that cartoon's name," he replied coolly and scrutinized his gaze on my still beaming face. I was damn sure that I resemble a smiling hamster due to my chubby cheeks. "I would have never guessed that you watch cartoons," I replied him with laughter in my eyes. This was gold, this man, 'I was always serious' man over here watches the cartoon and I would have never guessed it in my entire existence.

"Ms. Sampson's villa isn't home for the homeless. They're your parents, aren't they, Felix? Figures. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Ugh, I can still smell the mud on them." Rage flared within my heart, but I held it back and quickly wiped the water off my in-laws. Diane had a short fuse. She would not stand for this insult, so she snapped, "And who are you supposed to be, you uneducated swine? How dare you call Felix a homeless man!" Zack did not hold back. Instead, he pressed on the attack. He picked up a ceramic ornament and hurled it at Diane. I deflected it with my hand, and the ornament grazed me.

He just set the bowl of popcorn between us. "Seriously not having any?" "No." On the TV, a groundhog tumbled off a cliff, letting out the weirdest high-pitched scream. Then it landed straight in a pile of cacti. Its butt got stuck full of needles. Richard burst out laughing. "This little dude had worse luck than I did when I was young." I sneaked a glance at him. "Did you fall into a cactus before too?" "Something like that." Richard said it easy, like it was no big deal.

Okay, I guess I can’t keep a secret but I don’t think I like this man. “You were so sweet to me when we first met. Where did the magic go?” I ask, making him laugh as he loads his gun and takes out his walkie talkie. “Carter, your liability is here with me, making jokes even after witnessing a massive shooting, where a lot of people got shot but she is still…. making jokes and remains unaffected. Also, still has time to remind me to return her salad spinner.” He says into the walkie talkie. “I am sorry. Was that supposed to be humorous?” I say as I roll my eyes.

“Emma, come here.” “But, I need to….” She tried to pull away from me. I knew she wanted to set her books down, and I knew she hated that I was touching her, but I needed my friends fixed, both of them, and there was only one person who could do that. He was telling a story as we approached, and I didn’t want to interrupt, but I also couldn’t wait too long either. “And then, wouldn’t you know it, but that bear totally left my lunchbox alone and ate every last crumb of my brother’s sandwich!” The kids standing around Mr. Horton’s desk laughed as if that was the funniest thing they’d ever heard in their lives. “And that’s why you don’t always have to be fast—you just have to be faster than the