Funniest Cartman Novels & Stories

Dad looks me in the eye laughs. Slow at first, then hysterically. He laughs so hard the whole golf cart shakes under his weight. His face turns red and tears roll down his face. I've never seen him find anything so funny. He wipes a couple of tears from his eyes. “You had me going there for a minute. Keller ‘The Playboy’ Marshall with a sigma for a mate! That’s rich!” I furrow my brow and frown. Has he lost his damn mind? Why would I make any of that up? When he sees I’m not laughing along with him, he suddenly stops.

Looking at the cow face made me snicker. "What's so funny?" Mom asked, peering over my shoulder. "Oh, it's nothing-" "What's that, honey?" she took the milk carton from my hand and studied it. "Just a tongue in the cheek joke," I replied. "You draw a cow on your milk carton?" she asked, looking absently. "Yes, because that's cow's milk, right?" "Uh, yes, right," she replied awkwardly, "Nice drawing by the way," then she handed it back to me and walked away. Well, that made me scratch my head in puzzlement.

I forget there is a reason they connected fast. “I am not in the mood for jokes." I warn. “And I do not mean to make jester too my Lord. Pray tell, my Lord, are we to expect some Dimitri minions in the near future." Where did I get friends like this? How is it that I am the only serious person? I face-palm myself the moment he starts to laugh. Well, maybe I should indulge in this conversation. Yelling at them does not work. Threats do not either. Hanging up cannot keep them away. But digging into their personal lives did the trick twice with Carter so maybe it would work the same way with him.

Carl was amused when he saw their expressions, which seemed as if they had just swallowed an annoying fly. He laughed as he unhurriedly sat on the single chair left for him. He looked at each one of them and spoke, “Why are you all looking at me like that? You did not think that I came out of a rock, right?” The people in the room were startled when they heard him. They came back to their senses and immediately slapped themselves on their chests as if they finally understood. “Oh, boss, you are very humorous.” Carl looked at them and as if he had thought of something, his expression became extremely gentle and his gaze was even a little sweet.

He laughed harder. His laughter was infectious, and despite what had just happened. I was laughing too. “Oh, come on! You were practically waving a flag saying, ‘Come at me, bro!’l” I said, shaking my head as I leaned back against the tree. Carter was still laughing, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “So that’s your mate? That blond jerk who just walked off? The one who rejected you? The one you keep having drama over?” He leaned in closer, his voice teasing yet curious.

“But, I mean, if you’re that desperate, bro, I don’t mind jerking you off. Charity work. For old times’ sake.” I stared at him. Deadpan. For a full three seconds. Then I said, voice flat as asphalt, “Even as a joke, that wasn’t funny.” He threw his head back and howled while Ellis choked on his beer, coughing and laughing at the same time, tears actually forming at the corners of his eyes. It wasn’t fun being the fucked-up sideshow. I took one last drag then crushed the joint out in the ashtray so hard the glass cracked.

He glares at his little nephew with an expression of utter, catastrophic betrayal, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. A sudden, loud laugh bursts right out of my throat before I can even think to suppress it. It’s a raw, unfiltered snort—completely unladylike, entirely breaking the strict rules of decorum I’ve lived by my entire life. I quickly clap both hands over my mouth, my eyes crinkling as my shoulders shake violently. The pure, unadulterated absurdity of Russia’s most feared, terrifying mafia boss being drawn as a literal pack horse by a six-year-old is too much for my fragile walls to hold.

"I'm not here to fight. I'm just here to see my lovely brothers and ask them about their plans for our lovely father's pack. That's all, Gaby," I gritted my teeth, taking in all the control I could before I would snap and break his bones. Gosh! I hated the fact that Carter was still breathing. "That pack belongs to the rightful person, Carter. Don't you dare do anything stupid? Understood?" He whistled through his nose, then started laughing again. A deep frown creased my forehead as I watched him hit his knees as he laughed again and again. "Dear heavens, you're so funny, Gabriel. You should consider stand-up comedy, dude. What an amazing show you just put up?"

She said that and I started dying on the floor, that was probably the funniest thing I've ever heard. "That is the fucking stoner spectrum!! Either you're a fucking Einstein or a fucking retard that tried to play baseball with a robot," I said, laughing through my words, causing Alex to break too, laughing and pointing out how fucked up my sense of humor is, "It's not my fault! Imagine having a fucked up humor before going through the dungeons of hell to become an arch-demon." "Tha-That's fair but still, that's fucked!" "Fuck me, that was funny," I said and the look I got from Alex scared the fuck outta me, she looked hungry but also cautious, "You good?"

“Well, well. Look who’s back. The fat ass is back.” I turned slowly. Carla stood a few feet away with that same nasty smirk she always wore when she wanted to hurt someone. A couple of nurses nearby went quiet. I looked her dead in the eye and replied calmly, “At least I have a fat ass. Unlike you, whose ass is flatter than the frying pan in your kitchen.” The hallway went dead silent for half a second. Then laughter exploded. Several nurses covered their mouths, trying (and failing) to hide their amusement. Even Mrs. Grant let out a surprised chuckle before quickly turning away. Carla’s face turned bright red. Her mouth opened and closed like she couldn’t believe I had actually clapped back