Funny Cartman Novels & Stories

“Be safe, sir. Please, call if anything changes and you need me to pick you up at a different time.” Carter squeezed Don's shoulder. “You're the best, Don. Don't know what I'd do without you.” “You'd most certainly be screwed,” Don replied, then winked in the rear view mirror. It was the first joke I'd heard from his lips and it was actually pretty funny. All three of us started laughing. “Alright, we're out of here,” Carter said. “We'll see you tomorrow.” “Wait, wait. Hold on a second, sir.” Don then hopped out of the driver's seat. “Let me get your door.”

Carter cooed friendly, waving at my brothers who just looked back at him blankly. "Who is this, Ryry?" "Is he your lover?" "Why ish he in a wheewchair?" "Who is the girl in the relationship?" "Did you buy me Skittles?" Some strange emotion swirled in Carter's dark eyes and soon a wholehearted laughter escaped his sexy mouth. "Hey, boys! Uhm... This is my friend, Carter. No, he isn't my lover. And no, I didn't buy Skittles, Sky. I told you I’m not going to the shop.”

"With me, you don't have to do that... People already look at us funny if we go anywhere." He snorts. "They look because you're cute..." "No, trust me, they are probably wondering about our sex life. You've seen the hamster eating a banana picture?" Nathan chokes on laughter behind me. "Oh, I have, but... I find it kind of hot. I mean, you're fun-sized." "Fun-sized?"

*Fuuu-uuuck* this guy just did it for me. “Hey, Ryan,” I hear as I pass by. I turn to see Carter smiling at me, while his friends watch and giggle. “Hey, Carter,” I mumble. I try to smile, but it probably comes off as more of a grimace. I hurry past, hearing Patrick (dickhead) guffaw. When I look back, Carter is watching me. There’s a look on his face. Disappointment? Frustration? What was that? Probably my imagination.

The amount of scoldings he receives from the other family in our team can’t be overemphasized. Our kids didn’t really query him but they look sad for being the first to fall off the game. “I’m really sorry kids, Tell me what I can do to make it up to you guys.” Carlton is feigning a cry-face as we are walking away from the Game scene. I don’t know what I’m expecting from the kids but I certainly didn’t expect the abrupt switch of mood. One second they are frowning so hard and next when they look at Carlton, they all burst out laughing in sync. Andre takes the lead.

And the silly idea just pops right in my head, right at the time Calhoun shifts his attention from me to his cooking. Pushing my fists through the pockets of my denim trousers, I whistle a song, suck in my butt so hard until I can't anymore, then I release it and fart so loud that it sounds like a groaning old man who was forced to exercise. Calhoun flinches like he saw a ghost, snaps his head in my direction with eyes raised in their sockets. Suddenly I wish I hadn't forced a fart right out of my butt. Because he's laughing so hard right now.

He fumed “My badd…” Nate managed to say in between his laughs “I bet you’d find it very funny when your friend comes” Wyatt spat and walked out of the caravan

I was not in the mood for jokes. Sonny chuckled from the back seat of the truck. “Cheerful as ever, Carter. Is this what we have to look forward to while we are here? If so, are we taking bets on how quickly you piss someone off today?” He too joked. “Or maybe the easier bet, how quickly you make the young gal cry? I assume she will be with us again?”

“So tell me: what the fuck is the problem now?” Carter laughs, but it’s a cold, lopsided laugh, the kind that carries more disgust than humor. “Do you really want to convince yourself that you’ve always been like this?” He tilts his head, studying me critically. “Do you want to lie to my face and say you’re not at rock bottom?”

He crouched to straighten Adrian's clothes. "Dad, will you make up with her?" Adrian glanced at Lauren. Carter looked over, too. A second later, he frowned. "Your old man isn't going to fall into the same ditch three times." Adrian didn't know what to say. Indeed, it would be the third time. "Behold my cotton candy attack!" Carter's vision suddenly went dark. Then, his face felt hot and sticky. It smelled sweet, too. Lauren kicked him square in the lower back. "And why didn't those falls kill you?"