Funny Sarcastic Quotes Novels & Stories

My husband, Steve Malone, thinks of himself as a highly-educated person. Not only that, but he's also very uninterested in physical intimacy. When we go to bed every night, we have to sleep with a bowl of water between us. In fact, Steve refuses to let me touch him at all. But on the day he returns from the volunteer teaching program in the countryside, I discover a pair of pantyhose all tangled up in his clothes. Upon hearing my question, Steve maintains his cool facade as he explains, "This is contraband that I've confiscated from a student." I never respond to Steve. Instead, I get in contact with the female teacher, Rebecca Cramer, who has gone teaching with Steve earlier. From the other end of the line, Rebecca's sarcastic voice drifts over. "Your husband sure is unstoppable, Audrey. He couldn't resist kneeling in the pig sty while licking the dead skin off that Paige widow's feet. No one could stop him at all. "I heard that Paige even intends to give birth to a child for him. They went at it once per day, you know. I think you should head over here and witness everything for yourself." As soon as I end the call, I contact my lawyer right away and prepare to file for a divorce. This time, I'm hell-bent on ending things with Steve.

In a college world where every hallway is a battlefield of intellect, pride, and desire, Rival Hearts explores the thin line between hate and a love that burns hotter than anyone expects. When fiercely independent Harper Lawson, a chemistry major with a sharp tongue and a stubborn streak, collides with Emery Collins, a confident and ambitious literature student, sparks fly—literally. Their rivalry begins in classrooms and spills into dorms, cafeterias, and late-night campus corners. Harper thrives on rules and routine, while Emery lives for unpredictability and teasing chaos. Every insult, every sarcastic remark, every heated debate draws them closer to a truth neither is willing to admit: attraction doesn’t always ask permission. What begins as antagonism turns into stolen glances, secret touches, and nights filled with whispered confessions and passion that neither can deny. Their friends notice the chemistry, professors are oblivious, and both women struggle with pride, past heartbreaks, and the fear of being vulnerable. As the semester unfolds, Harper and Emery navigate parties, group projects, dorm-room secrets, and the intoxicating highs of desire and intimacy. Amid campus gossip, emotional upheavals, and raw, steamy encounters, Rival Hearts captures the journey of two women learning that love can come disguised as hate, that surrendering to desire can be terrifyingly exhilarating, and that the fiercest rivals often make the strongest partners. Full of witty banter, heart-pounding tension, and intimate romance, this novel is a slow-burning, passionate exploration of the chaos of first love and the unstoppable force of attraction.

I need a wife. Now. It doesn’t have to do with love and living the good life. This is all about getting the money my billionaire father left to me. And I’m running out of time. But who proposes to a stranger after the first date? Me. That’s who. As if I have another choice. Luck is on my side though, and a beautiful model shows up in my office. Single? Gorgeous? Funny? All of the above. Our first date goes so well that I feel unsure about my decision to do this thing with her—you know, fake it. I put it off and decide to do it later, to ask for her help after we get to know each other better. But I like her more and more each time we meet, and eventually, offering her a ring isn’t for my dad’s money—it’s because I want her more than anything else in the world. Besides, who’s going to know if it’s fake or real? And does it really matter? Yeah. It does. To her…

They call it Area Alpha 101. It doesn’t appear on the world map or the satellites, but it’s rumoured to be there. It’s unofficially the largest continent on Earth, but the humans aren’t educated on it. Only the top shots in the governments and monarchies know about it, but have kept it a secret from everyone else. No-one answers questions regarding it. People have been quoted saying that they tried to get in, but they only hit a barrier. This barrier is said to be invisible, yet you can’t see what’s on the other side. For centuries, no-one has been able to get past the barrier, and those who try, come away ‘bewitched’, or so it has been reported. You know what the funny part about this is? There are literally signs that say “NO HUMANS ALLOWED” just a distance away from the ‘barrier’. You can imagine the insane theories that the human civilization has come up with in regards to what they imagine could be behind the barrier. The biggest guess as you yourself would probably guess is aliens; but that’s just it – NO-ONE knows what’s behind the barrier. Except me that is. Or so I thought.

Three years ago, Lucas’ mother paid me ten million dollars to play his fated mate with the help of a potion. Lucas believed I was hopelessly in love with him. What he didn’t know was that I was nothing more than a hired actress. By day, I stood at his side during training. By night, he paraded a she-wolf through the mansion. He once sneered, “Don’t delude yourself into thinking the mate bond can change me.” I only smiled, silently counting my money. “Funny, because I never planned on giving you my heart, either.” On the day the potion wore off, I walked away with the fortune, while he spiraled into madness. Three years later, I returned victorious as the youngest S-class strategy consultant. There he was, on his knees, murmuring, “I was wrong.” Little did Lucas know that his arrogance, handed out like charity, had carried a hefty price tag of ten million. Now, even if he lost everything, it still wouldn’t be enough to buy my forgiveness.

Meet Emily Collins, the devoted secretary with a knack for mismatched fashion, and Oliver Sterling, the brilliant but enigmatic CEO. Their worlds collide when Oliver, facing an unexpected ultimatum from his grandfather, turns to Emily for an unconventional solution. While Emily dreams of saving a million dollars and bidding goodbye to her corporate life, Oliver's goal is to introduce his secret actress girlfriend to his family. Caught between family expectations and a reluctant girlfriend, Oliver proposes a daring deal to Emily: a six-month contract where she pretends to be his girlfriend. The offer comes with a tempting promise—enough money to fast-track Emily's savings goal. As the two plunge into their fake romance, cue the funny twist—Emily knows every quirk and detail about Oliver, right down to the size of his ring finger, but Oliver doesn't know a thing about Emily. With the lines between reality and pretense blurring, the stage is set for a romantic collision where one is poised to fall in love, and the other is destined to fall even harder.

My mother-in-law, Mabel Grath, always liked me to arrange family trips. But she only transferred a small fraction of the cost. She called it a “deposit.” “I’m just following what you young people do with deposits. It’s not like I’m going to skip out on the rest.” After the trip, however, she never mentioned the rest of the payment again. I did not really mind. I quietly paid out of my own pocket for five-star hotels and luxury meals every time. Then one day, my husband’s sister, Marlene Grath, dropped a sarcastic comment in the family group chat. “Noelle Frost loves playing travel agent with my mom’s retirement money. “For all we know, she’s signing us up for cut-rate shopping tours and skimming the kickbacks.” Mabel replied with a smirking emoji. It seemed she was silently agreeing with her daughter. My heart sank. Over the years, I had taken them on trips all over the country and abroad. I had covered at least 100,000 dollars out of my own pocket. Yet, I still ended up looking like the one taking advantage of them. Mabel transferred four hundred dollars to me again and asked me to arrange a seven-day tour to Erope. So, I went ahead and booked them a one-day farm stay just outside the city.

Sasha was beautiful, kind, strong—and wickedly funny—until the night everything was taken from her. She watched helplessly as her family and pack were slaughtered by their enemies, the Shadowmoon pack. Her father, the Alpha. Her mother, the Luna. Her home, the Whitemoon pack—gone in blood and fire. With nothing left but rage and grief, Sasha makes a vow: she will avenge her family, even if it means turning her back on pack life and becoming a rogue. Damien is the Alpha Prime—the Alpha of all Alphas. Cold, ruthless, and unforgiving, he rules the Nightstone pack, the strongest pack in existence. Known for his merciless treatment of rogues and trespassers, Damien is feared across all territories. At twenty-five, he remains mateless—an anomaly in the werewolf world. Many believe the Moon Goddess has spared any wolf from being bound to such a heartless Alpha… or so they think. Two broken souls. One ruthless destiny. What happens when a vengeful rogue crosses paths with the most dangerous Alpha alive? And what twisted fate has the Moon Goddess planned when enemies, power, and passion collide?

At my wedding with my childhood sweetheart, Zoe Sutherland, I see live comments in front of my eyes all of a sudden. "This is so funny! The male supporting lead doesn't even know that the bride is a fake one! The actual female lead, Zoe, is actually keeping the male lead company in the hospital!" "It doesn't matter who the bride is! The female lead just wants to get married for the sake of her company's funds! After all, this story is about childhood sweetheart losing to the true love who's come out of nowhere!" "The female lead will end up screwing the male supporting lead's life over. Jeez, now I feel a little bad for him." Concealing the shock in my eyes, I go through the rest of the wedding while pretending to be kept in the dark about the truth. I don't want to become the stepping stone that will tie the two main leads together as the cannon fodder who dies a horrible death. Since Zoe doesn't want to marry me at all, I might as well marry the fake bride for real.

Dante Russo doesn't forgive. He doesn't forget. And when the President of the United States has the nerve to double-cross him, Dante doesn't go for blood—he goes for the man's heart. By kidnapping his son. Marco Powell never asked to be part of his father's shadowy world of corruption and backroom deals. But when masked assailants drag him from a glittering Washington soiree and into the ruthless grasp of Dante Russo, Marco's existence is distilled to the final bargaining chip. Kidnapped. Held captive. Compelled to kneel at the feet of Italy's most lethal man. Dante Russo doesn't just want ransom—he wants humiliation. He wants the President to hurt. And to make the whole world feel it, Dante does the unthinkable: he marries Marco in a ceremony as legal as it is lethal. An altar of a wedding shrouded in blood. A kiss meant to destroy. A war between two men who should hate each other but can't keep their hands off each other. Marco is everything Dante isn't used to. sarcastic, idealistic, infuriatingly beautiful and Dante is everything Marco should fear: fire, danger, sin, and temptation in a designer suit. Their arranged marriage sparks a deadly obsession. Every touch is a battle. Every kiss is war on their lips. And every night, Marco has to ask himself the question he fears most Does he hate Dante enough to fight him? Or does he want him badly enough to burn? Because in this game, seduction and revenge ignite and the line between love and hate doesn't just blur. It burns.