I Hate Myself So Much Novels & Stories

I was a failure, a disappointment, unworthy of the love and affection I so desperately craved. I clenched my fists in frustration, the anger boiling within me like a tempest raging in the depths of my being. "I wish I wasn't in this world at all," I muttered bitterly, my voice laced with bitterness and despair. But even as the words left my lips, a small voice whispered in the depths of my mind, a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness. "You are worth more than you know," it said, a faint echo of encouragement in the midst of my self-loathing.

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"Because I hate them. Because I’ve hidden them for so long I forgot how to be anything but ashamed." He didn’t speak. "It’s not something I ever let anyone see. Not because I don’t trust… but because I don’t want to be reminded of who I used to be. Of what I let happen." Tears slipped down before I could stop them. "I’m a mess, Leo. A disgusting, broken mess. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I hate what looks back." He stepped forward. I stepped back. "I hate my body. I hate my past. I hate myself."

But now… now I can see it now I can see how fucking stupid I have been, I can see why my life was so horrible while I was ruining his like nothing, I have been so fucking stupid all this time, so stupid to let him suffer because of me, because I couldn’t even say the one thing he needed to hear, because I had been thinking the world revolves around me and only me Oh lord, how could I have being this heartless? I hate myself so badly that my chest hurts, my head hurts, cause I did all this to the one guy I love

I punish myself daily because of this. I was worst. I stared back at the door. Dhruv couldn't love the bad me. Nobody could love that part of me. I myself couldn't love that part of me. At least, he despised me now.

“I don’t know how to live through this without you.” I waited for something to happen, for him to answer me. But he was not in there anymore. My fingers squeezed the bowl. Ash spilled over the edge. “I hate them,” I said, louder, and my voice did not sound like mine. “I hate them for taking you.” I clenched my jaw hard. Something inside my chest broke. “I hate myself more.” I lifted my hand and let the ash fall. It landed on the white cloth, and it felt wrong to do.

My body has become so numb that I can no longer feel pain, as the day goes by I’m becoming a whole me person, I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I don't even love myself anymore, the only thing I feel for myself is hate and disgust, my past is now hurting and hunting me more than ever, I cannot continue to live like this, there's nothing left for me in this world anymore, I’ve made up my mind, it's now or never, it's better to be dead than to be alive, and wish I was dead, I rather die maybe in my next life, I will get the chance to live a better life, after all, if I die no one is going to ask of me, it's not like anybody cares about me, I stood up and walk straight to the bathroom,

I ask in a small and pathetic voice that makes me cringe at my own self. Why won't he hate me, when I'm always so stupid around him? I hate myself too for being like this.

So, I rolled over, burying my face in the pillow, and screamed. I hate this life. I hate Ryder. I hate Hunter. Most of all, I hate myself.

I sighed. "I hate that you aren't here." I choked. "I hate that I can't call you. I hate that I can't hug you." I cried softly. "But while I hate all of that I need to learn to not hate myself. I've spent so long hating myself for my kidney not working. Someone recently opened my eyes that blaming myself isn't what you would have wanted." I looked over at Knox who was talking to my mom. "I"m ready to stop hating myself."