Why Do I Hate Repeating Myself Novels & Stories

She took another sigh, "You don't have to threaten me again." 'F***! I hate myself for this. But I'm being selfish. I won't regret it. The days are filled with anticipation. I want exactly what I think. '

I know I can’t hate you and I know that if I don’t hate you I will hate myself. You made me have nightmares, you traumatized me, you put me in a dark position that I can not even begin to describe and you know what hurts more is when I think about that horrible memory, all the good memories I shared with you fade away like it was nothing and just like that I begin to feel hatred for myself because no matter how I try I can not hate you even though you are the reason behind my ten years of miseries.

The word barely made it out of her throat. "I just, I just can't fucking deal with this right now!" I moved backward, "I can't keep going through the same cycle over and over again, whenever I feel that we can forget what happened and work on this, something happens, I discover something new and we are back right where it all started!" I snapped, letting it all out, "I am sick of it, I am tired of all of this, it's not supposed to be that much hard for god's sake, it's not!" "What do you mean?" She asked.

"It makes me feel so little of myself, I hate myself and sometimes all I can do is think of putting myself out of this misery" "Then put yourself out, who is stopping you?"

For as long as I remember, I live like walking on thin ice. If I took the wrong step, I could sink then freeze. And no one would reach out to help me out. I hate that. I hated why I had to take so long just to talk. Thinking it over word for word, so that other people wouldn't find fault with the way I spoke. I hate it when I have to think about how well I should behave. May I cross my arms, legs, may I lean back, or may I express my displeasure?

But because I know, deep down, that one more minute and I might not have told him to stop. And I hate myself all over again.

Because he claims that I was lying to him all along. I'm tired of going back and forth with my thoughts, and I honestly don't want to think about it anymore, but I can't help myself; I keep reminiscing about everything that happened, and I don't know how to stop thinking about everything. I just hate myself right now, and I wish I was never born or I never came here in the first place.

Even after all these years, my feelings for him, the idea of me loving him is a fact. But I can not, for the life of me, take the risk of getting hurt once again. It is too painful. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Shame on me. I felt tears falling down my face as my legs give out on me. I dropped on the floor and my heart clenched angrily. My heart hates me, despises me. It is asking to why I keep on voluntarily hurt myself by hoping that this time, maybe things would be different. My heart hates me because I am so stupid.

He says it with a tenderness that makes my throat hurt, but I can only think of three words, over and over again: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I was too busy freaking out. "I didn't mean to" I tried to justify but I couldn't. The truth was that I meant to do what I did. After I had one over on him, I could have left. But the hate had bubbled up inside of me and mixed with the adrenaline, I went too far. That wasn't what I had a problem with. I had a problem with the fact that I enjoyed it a little too much. Do I regret it now? I'm not sure. I'm filled with guilt and self loathing. It's my fault, I shouldn't have done that but- if I was put in the same situation, would I do the exact same thing again? Probably. I would.