Why Do I Hate Repeating Myself Novels & Stories

Looking at the mirrors, I had the same feeling I had back in the mansion. I know she was falling for me but why was I not able to control myself in front of her. So many questions were raised to me in front of my eyes. The face I was looking at in the mirror was someone I hate the most right now. I punched my right hand in the mirror, making the breaking sounds and hurting my hands again. It was like a disorder to me. whenever I was disappointed with myself, I hurt myself for the sole reason, hatred for myself. “What’s that sound, who’s there?” One of the staff shouted out from the bathroom and entered panicking.

Mykel broke in gently, "easy. Take a breath. Try again. Slowly." I screwed my eyes tightly closed and shook my head as if trying to dispel the stutter from my mind as if shaking my head would make it forever leave me. "I w-was afraid th-that if I made you feel worse about it th-that y-y-you'd do it a-a-ag-ain. S-so I thought that it might be better if I just...dealt with this on my own...'cause if dealing w-wi-with i-it on mmm-m-my o-own kept y-you ffffr-frrr-from killing yourself then th-that's what I w-would d-d-do." I sighed in an exasperated manner at myself. I hate when I stutter. It always makes me feel inadequate, even today. "I won't ever put you or Liz, for that matter, through this

God, why am I feeling so lost and confused? I've been trying my best, but it feels like I'm going in circles. I thought it was finally time to move on, with new people and new experiences, but instead, I found myself involved with the same person who hurt me over and over again. It's frustrating to see history repeating itself, and it's making me question my own judgment. I need to find the strength to break free from this toxic cycle and prioritize my own well-being.

But it's not enough. Something hot and disturbing coils at the pit of my stomach. I always do things after thinking them through. Never do things on impulse. That way I minimize the risk of having regrets. I can't say I've done anything in the past years that I've regretted. I haven't felt its foreign claws grabbing me to the point where I don't remember what it feels like. But whatever sits low in my stomach feels very close to it. "I hate you." "Fuck!" I mutter, pouring myself another glass and drinking it.

I couldn't stop imagining what would happen the next time we were in a room together. ‎And I hated myself for it. ‎Because Silas Crowley was right about one thing it wouldn't be the last kiss. ‎There would be more, there would be so many more. ‎And I would hate myself for every single one. ‎But I would still want them. ‎ ‎

“I’m… I mean yes. I did.” “And you came here?” “Yes.” “Because…” I don’t answer. But he just waits, not supplying any rescue. I swallow and try again. “Because I didn’t want you to be alone. I get what… I get what it’s like. To be in that place. And I went there so many times… I mean, I’ve been there so many times. And sometimes I hated myself for doing it. And sometimes I hated life so much I just didn’t want to remember anymore.”

The clink of his glass hitting the table cut the air. “Again.” My stomach dropped. “What—” He didn’t even look up. “I hate repeating myself.” I untucked the sheets and redid them, moving slower now, my thighs burning every time I crouched to get the right angle. “Again.” Just kill me and get it over with already. “Again.” I wanted to scream. To throw the pillows across the room. Instead, I kept going, each corner folding sharper than the last. My bones throbbed, my back ached, and still—

"Do I really have to repeat myself or do you people just intentionally want to pretend like you didn't hear me the first time? " There was still an eerie silence and for the first time in a very long time, I was tempted to throw what was in my hand and just smash it across the room, hoping that it shatters one of the numerous glasses looking at me and hopefully, opens their mouths to answer me. "You do not have to repeat yourself Sir" One of them from the back of the room said. Then there was another round of silence. Gosh! I was going to lose it soon. "Okayyy...?" I asked impatiently.

What a mess, what a horrible mess. I've really made a mess of things this time, and though I knew there was no point in me sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I can't seem to dredge up the energy for anything else. The longer I sat there replaying the last decade in my head, the more the hate grew. It wasn't long before a thought started forming in my head. It won't change what's already been done, but it sure as hell would fix some of what I'd done wrong.

"Feeling used but I'm still missing you And I can't see the end of this Just wanna feel your kiss against my lips And now all this time is passing by But I still can't seem to tell you why It hurts me every time I see you Realize how much I need you I hate you, I love you I hate that I love you I don't want to but I can't put Nobody else above you I hate you, I love you I hate that I want you You want her, you need her And I'll never be her......." (Note:"I Hate U, I Love U" is a song by American singer and rapper Gnash featuring American singer Olivia O'Brien. It was released on February 17, 2016)