Hidden Affection

"Addie anak inatake ang daddy mo kaya kailangan nating lumipad patungong amerika. Your daddy needs us baby". nadurog ang bata kong puso ngunit hindi dahil sa nangyari kay daddy kung hindi dahil malalayo ako sa kababata ko.

On the first day of class, she immediately caught my attention. Her long black hair was braided. Her round cheeks were blushing. She wore a pink princess dress that perfectly fit her very cute figure. She was quiet and shy around the rest of us kids. She cried when her mommy left her. It was as if she would be left alone, yet they owned the building. They owned the school, so her mommy was just within the school premises anyway.

I couldn't bear to let the first day of class end without approaching and talking to her, and so I did. I approached her. I befriended her. I was excited to go to school because of her. Being with her at the school was fascinating. But dad got sick. We had to fly back to the US because mom needed to run our business herself. They planned to stay in the US for good, and so I had no choice but to go with them even though it broke me. My young heart broke at that very moment.

"Kuya sa Hotel Manila po" I excitedly announce my destination. Tumango si manong driver. I caught him staring at me through his rearview mirror. I waved my hand and smile wider at him. He didn't informed me the exact amount but he nodded his head. Nilabas ko ang cellphone sa bag at binuksan. Bumungad sa mga mata ko ang litrato niya sa wallpaper ng phone ko. I downloaded it from her I* account. She was pretty in this photo. Nakapeace sign pa nga at malawak ang ngiti. Showing her perfect set of teeth at the camera.

Bumili ako ng simcard sa airport pagkalapag ng eroplano. Binuksan ko ang internet at hinanap ang paborito kong account sa I*. May bago siyang post.

Sa loob ng 13 years hindi naging madali para sa akin lahat. We left the Philippines when I was five year old and I thought my feelings for her were just sisterly love but as days went by my feelings went deeper that made me realize it wasn't just a friendly love anymore but more than that. Morethan a sisterly love. When I turned ten I created an account on I* and started searching for her but it wasn't easy to find an account that is not even existing. Araw araw hinanap ko ang account niya hanggang sa naisip ko ang mommy Shanaia niya. And I was lucky dahil sa unang subok ko nahanap ko agad ang hinahanap. She has a lot of pictures with my girl. Yes at the age of ten I knew then that I was into her. And so whenever I look at her pictures I always claimed her mine..My girl. My vitals. Unang kita ko palang sa pictures niya I knew then I was attracted to her. Lalo siyang gumaganda habang nagdadalaga.

Napuno ng pictures niya ang gallery ng phone at laptop ko. Walang oras ang dumadaan na hindi ko pinagmamasdan ang mga litrato niya. Updated lahat ang mga pictures niya sa phone ko. And thanks to her mom dahil halos araw araw may mga litrato siyang ina-upload sa I* niya na siyang kumukumpleto sa bawat araw ko.

Then one day I messaged tita Shanaia. I introduced myself though I knew she must be forgotten about me already. But I was surprised that she never forgot my existence. Through her nagkaroon kami muli ng communication ni Asher. Gumawa siya ng account niya and we followed each other. Gaya ng dati mabilis din bumalik ang closeness naming dalawa. Araw araw nagsesend siya sa akin ng updates sa mga ganap niya and ganun din ako. Until one day she opened up about her huge crush with this girl named Mia Sandoval.

"I think my feelings is not just a simple crush anymore Addie. I love her..I am in love with her. She's very good at playing volleyball. Actually she's good at everything she does." she said smiling widely at the camera. Looking so proud. She called me through I* just to tell me this. Does she have any idea how much she's hurting me? I wanted to cry and tell her I love her too but damn.....naduduwag ako. I cannot lose our friendship. I cannot lose her.

Araw araw si Mia Sandoval at Amber ang laman ng usapan namin. Ang dalawang babaeng iyon ang bukambibig niya ngunit hindi naman ako makapagreklamo dahil kita ko sa ningning ng mga mata niya kung gaano siya kasaya habang pinag uusapan namin ang babaeng nagugustohan niya at ang matalik niyang kaibigan na si Amber.

"How about you Addie?Are you straight? Hindi kaba minsan nagkakagusto man lang sa babae kagaya ko?" she asked me curiously. She was staring at me intently at the screen of her phone. Natigilan ako sa tanong niya pansumandali. Ngunit nang halos magsalubong na ang kilay niya sa harapan ng camera habang naghihintay ng sagot ko ay wala sarili akong umiling iling. Kuyom ang mga kamao ko sa ibabaw ng lamesa. Gusto kong sabihing oo matagal na akong may gusto sayo. That you she was the one who bended me. But I chose not to say anything about my feelings yet. It is not the perfect time to confess yet.

"I am straight Ash. Straight as pole." I smiled sweetly. And deep down I knew then I was lying, lying about my feelings.