The Night He Doesn't Remember

Bella

I have been rehearsing this conversation in forty different ways. None of them made it seem like I was going to express my anger at him.

It was time to address the baby growing in my tummy, the secret I have been planning to hide, but I hadn't believed myself to do any of such.

I wanted to remind him about the one night stand. I wanted to say everything, to express myself, to feel like myself, to let him know that I wanted to feel the same way I felt that night.

“Bella! Bella!!”

I shook after hearing my name. I turned and it was him.

I stood up abruptly while trying to understand what exactly just happened.

“What?” I muttered, furrowing my brows in confusion.

“I have been calling you for a while now. What have you been thinking about?” He asked in a tone that felt immersed in anger.

“Nothing…I've been waiting—for you—you return home late,” I replied, demonstrating as I uttered.

“Really?” He stared at me from my toes back to my head.

I would hate to say he looked at me in a disgusting manner.

“Whatever you are doing right now is not part of the contract, Bella,” his tone rose at the utterance of each word.

I buried my face to the ground because I didn't know what to say anymore.

When he saw I had nothing more to say, he walked away.

I failed. I couldn't even tell him his reality—that he was going to be a father soon.

While moving back to my room, the voices I heard from a distance were mellow.

I was pushed to go closer out of curiosity.

Oh well, that's just a summary of how to eavesdrop.

I stood by the door, and placed my ear on the door.

“We won't be here on a Sunday, so don't forget to finish all you have to do.”

“Finally, a beautiful day to rest,” the other worker uttered.

Tomorrow was going to be a free day?

It was bittersweet news. I had no idea what it felt like to be around Alex with no one around.

The last time I got that feeling was the very one night I told myself I live only once. Now, I found myself in places I don't think I should be in.

The next morning, I woke up early, finished my makeup and got dressed before coffee time.

I need to be out together before then.

When I heard some noises in the kitchen, I moved out of the room quickly.

“Who is there?” I asked like I was expecting to see one of the workers.

I walked briskly after I saw Alex at the kitchen island. He stood with his left hand on his waist and with the coffee cup in his hand.

When I got closer to him, I sighted the tattoo on his body.

“Do you remember this tattoo? They look familiar to me. Do you remember a lady's bracelet? They were mine.” I stared at him frantically, not trying to pose an act of joking with him.

“Bella, what are you even talking about?” He furrowed his brows after dropping the coffee cup.

At this point, I knew I got all his attention.

I moved closer to him and traced my fingers on his bare chest, “Do you remember the penthouse?”

I used all I could as anchors. I had this one chance and I knew I wasn't going to let it pass me by.

“You still have not told me what you were talking about,” he uttered carefully, like he was listening.

“We happened, Alex.” I retorted with a raised tone. I moved away a bit, and started pacing around the kitchen.

“Are you going to tell me that you don't know what happened between us? You are not pretending?” I added.

When I turned to watch him, his expressions remained unchanged.

He scoffed and watched to see if I had more to say.

Words had no room in my mouth.

He moved away from his coffee cup, and started pacing around like I did.

“I sleep with a lot of women, I can't even lie,” he narrates with so much flatness that it was worse than cruelty.

“I don't keep it a secret and I don't have a record,” he added.

His replies landed like a hard slap on my face.

That night was special to me. I felt like a woman. I felt like even when it was unplanned that I had given my virginity to a reasonable man.

I held on to that idea for so long. I even added it to be like destiny that we met again.

How foolish was I?

I was erased. It tasted like I'd forgotten about. I was not even important. I would never be important in Alex Blackwood’s eyes.

“I am far from foolish to think that you were going to even agree with me,” I started, finally standing in front of him.

“You have no idea about what you're saying,” he replied, refusing to allow me to speak.

“Why are you not letting me speak?” I retorted.

“Whatever you are saying right now is far from sense,” he uttered.

“Well, you are so indifferent. You don't even get it. You don't even care,” I frowned so hard as I raised my voice.

“I'm indifferent? Well, you are being sentimental right now…don't forget about the contract agreement.”

“The contract doesn't make any sense when you have refused to get all the information,” I pushed further to tell him the truth.

I wanted to let out the truth I couldn't even bear anymore.

I wanted to be free. Nothing more…

“Which information? The information that you needed to clear off your father's debt? The information that you had no gigs from your so-called event planning work?” He angrily blew out that I couldn't speak anymore.

" So-called..?” I mutter in disbelief, with the inability to even look him in the eye.

It felt like I was stripped off naked and he knew every little thing.

"So you married me out of pity?” I asked and he looked away as well.

"I never said pity. Don't…put words in my mouth," he corrected.

Damn. It was then I knew that I was swimming in a deep trap all this while.

“So you've always loved Valerie?" I turned and asked him with my arms folded across my chest.

“I-I have no business with…with Valerie," he stammered. Oh no! I wish he didn't. My suspicions would have just died, but instead it grew intense.

I had no answers.

"You need to learn about me at least. Know me. Know what I carry—at least within.” I stuttered as I was so close to letting the cat out of the bag.

“Do you need intimacy?" He asked, grabbing his cup of coffee again.

"For a relationship of ours, don't you think so?" I replied rhetorically

“Bella, I think you need to read the contract again." He dropped the cup of coffee and walked out of me.

Goosebumps raided my entire body. I felt cramps on my legs and head continued spinning for minutes even after he left.

What else can you describe as shame?

This was perfect.

I couldn't even tell him to his face that I was pregnant. Days are passing and one day I wouldn't have this chance.

We said too much and ended up saying nothing.

I stared at myself from the oven. My reflection made me feel disgusted. I was so irritated by my own reflection.

I saw the coffee cup he had left with remains of coffee in it. I picked it up and washed it—a very mundane act which cracked something open inside of me.

Alex never left. He heard everything I said. He knew. He knew there was something I was hiding.

“Whatever it is you're not telling me, I'm going to find out." He paused abruptly. "I mean, Alex Blackwood always does that.

He left and I placed my hands on my stomach. What if he was never going to accept the child I carry?

He could tell me to forget about it? I could even have an accident informing me of an abortion.

Oh damn! What the hell was I thinking?

I paved my hands on my stomach and caressed it gently, “He can't find out. Not like this. Not yet."