The Midnight Moon Howls My Name

It feels like the walls around me are closing in and I can’t get rid of the heavy weight in my stomach. The walls of this room must be the whitest I’ve ever seen; who keeps their walls this clean.

My eyes wander over to the large plant in the corner. I’ve hated this room from the moment I stepped foot in here. It reminds me of my failures- and trust me there are so many I’ve lost count. 

I look down and make eye contact with Natalie; my therapist. I have been meeting with her every Tuesday and Thursday for the last three weeks.

I hear her faded voice telling me “it’s normal to feel this way after losing so much in such a short time.”

My mind drifts to the reason my heart is aching - the reason I am here in the first place. A flashback of my best friend and my husband fucking in our bed. Carly’s long brown curls bouncing down her naked back as she rocks back and forth on top of him will forever be etched in my mind. I feel nauseous. Why do I do this to myself? 

I shake my head trying to get rid of the sounds of her moans and the bed squeaking out of my mind; it was all quite theatrical. I can tell they have done this before. I’m about to say something when he looks over her shoulder and realizes I am standing there behind them frozen. He has a look on his face I have never seen before. Maybe it’s guilt  or shame? 

“Hello? Willow are you even listening to me?” She asks saving me from myself.

“Oh sorry, what?”I answer my voice low trying to hold back tears.

“What do you love?” She repeats. 

What do I love? It feels like everything I love has been taken from me lately.

I love my job at the lab, but my best friend works there too and I can’t face her, not after how she betrayed me. I try to think of what I enjoyed doing before I got married. I spent a lot of time outdoors, but I can’t think of anything else.

I shake my head and answer “sometimes it feels like nothing.”

My grandma died two months ago and I have been in a deep sadness; lost without her guidance. It’s probably why my best friend and husband had an affair. 

“I know it’s hard and you have so many reasons sad” she sympathizes “but the only way this will work is if you try. Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

I thought about what she meant by this. If I didn’t do anything to change my current situation I would feel like this forever. 

“What do you suggest?” I whisper.

“I am not sure how much more I can help you” she answers, “I will always be here to talk to you and help you through things. But I feel like you need to do some healing on your own and figure out what makes you happy.”

“What if I am not ready to be alone?” I said looking down at the floor.

“The times we feel like we shouldn’t be alone are often the times we need to be alone the most” she answers “it’s important to sit with our feelings so we can heal from them.”

I thought about what she was telling me. I have always felt connected to nature.

“I like being outside” I answer. 

“Why don’t you get away for a while?” She suggests, “somewhere where you can spend time outside and be alone.”

I sat silent for a moment. Where would I even go? I have my Grandma’s inheritance and I can take more time off work to focus on myself.

“What if I leave and it’s all just too much?” I question.

“If you need me I’ll be available on my cell phone” she said reassuring me. 

The timer rings. 

“That’s all the time we have for today.” She said her face soft. “Please think about what I said and take care.”

“Thanks, you too” I said getting up and walking towards the door to leave this dreadful room.

The afternoon sun feels warm on my skin. On the way to my car I think about everything Natalie has just told me. She was right. I have always wanted to stay near Lake Superior.

When I get inside my car I look through my purse for my phone. Once I find it I pull up the internet browser and search for remote places near Lake Superior. Hundreds of listings pop up. How am I going to pick?  I begin to search through the overwhelming amount of places until I come across a small wood cabin on 20 acres of private land for a reasonable price. This place looks perfect and is vacant for the next month. It’s close to the lake and even has a hot tub.

I plan to stay three weeks starting tomorrow and start to fill out the reservation details.

Panic sets in as I realize I will be completely alone in the wilderness with my awful thoughts.

I shake my head and take a deep breath. I have to do this. I click the reserve button and a confirmation number pops up.

Relief falls over me and I head home to pack my bags.

Solitude and nature; here I come.