Was It Worth It Taking The Risk

Ang buhay ay isang laro. Dapat kang manalo, pero dapat ay tumatanggap ka ng pagkatalo. Kasi hindi ka naman laging panalo.

Winning isn't always winning. Because in every failure, there's a lesson to learn. There is knowledge to acquire, and new beginnings to start.

Sa buhay ko naman, marami ang pagkakamali, ganon rin ang aral. Sa bawat maling desisyon, may bagong pinto para sa diskusyon.

A right balance of regrets and right decisions.

I had to remind myself a couple of times about the lessons. Sometimes, it would slip away from me, but I am thankful that I had a great hold of it. I had to have principles. I had to have something to stand on. I had to have something to hold on, to believe on.

"Happy Birthday and Congratulations, Tali!" My friends cheered the moment I opened the door of the bar. Iunupahan ba nila ang buong bar?

"Thank you, guys! This is really much appreciated!" I thanked them.

They throw a party for my birthday, at sakto pa na lumabas ang resulta ng board exam para sa mga accountant. I felt happy. The initiative of these people is top tier!

Matapos ang batian at kaunting kulitan ay nagsimula na ang kasiyahan. I can see everyone having their best time. Marami ang bisita.

"We told the DJ that we're here to surprise and celebrate you for your birthday and for passing the BAR. So, he announced it. People in the bar agreed to that, so, this happened," nakangiting paliwanag ni Alex.

I squinted my eyes.

"The DJ, huh?" " I teased.

"May selective hearing ka ba, Tali? Iyon lang ang narinig mo?" Umirap siya, pero nangingiti.

Tumawa ako.

"Napaka defensive naman...." I teased again.

"Che!" Irap niya ulit.

Nangingiti akong pinagmamasdan ang dagat ng mga tao.

"How was it?" Alex asked, now calm.

"What?" Nilingon ko siya.

"The exam. Did you have a hard time? I mean, sure it was hard, but I just think maybe you didn't… You're smart, right?"

I smiled. She sounded nervous.

Alex is my friend. Mas bata lang siya ng isang taon sa ‘kin. She doesn't want me to treat her like a little sister, pero ganon siya umarte. She wants a sister. So I acted like one.

"It's actually fine. Kung nag aral ka ng maayos, masasagot mo," I winked.

"So confident," she sighed.

"It's your turn next year."

"Yeah. I'm a bit scared."

Relatable. In my fourth year, I anticipated my downfall. Masyado kasi akong nahirapan at hindi ko pa naba-balanse ng maayos ang landi at aral ko. Good thing, my mother slapped me, one time. Tumino ako.

Well, my mother is a strong woman. She raised us alone. Without the help of anyone. Gago kasi ang mga naging lalaki niya. Iniiwan lang siya. Pinapabayaan sa mga responsibilidad.

Pagkatapos magpaka-sarap, aalis. Mag iiwan pa ‘yan ng blessing!

It's hard to grasp that part. Hindi ko masyadong maintindihan. I need to have deep knowledge in order to understand that part of our lives. Ang tanging alam ko lang, gago ang tatay ko, at ayaw ko siyang makita.

Hindi na ako humihiling na sana makilala ko pa ang loko kong tatay, ni hindi ko nga alam kung tatay ba dapat ang tawag ko sa kanya. I have no plans on meeting him, I don't even know if he knows me.

I think we both don't know each other. At mas mabuti ‘yon. Ayaw ko ng taong iniiwan ako, lalo na si Mama. Kung ayaw sa amin ng gagong tatay ko, bahala siyang magpakasaya sa buhay niya.

I'd rather live my life worry free than constantly remind myself that I had no father.

Tsk. Marami naman kaming wala ama. Parang common situation nalang ‘yan, nasasanay ka nalang. Ang gago nga, e…

And it takes one slap to make me wake up. My mother had to do it harshly in order for me to see the world I neglected. She made me see the things I should have put my focus on.

By then, I managed. I lessened my night outs, ignored the suitors I had. Kahit pa gustong gusto kong lumandi kasi nakaka-umay na puro numero nalang ang kaharap ko. It's a bit boring on that part, actually.

But now, looking back, I can say, all was worth it. It happened because I wanted it to happen. I made it happen.

"You'll get there. Don't be scared. Just trust yourself."

Trust. Such word, deep meanings. It has to be earned. I wish people just need to trust themselves other than people. They'll break it, anyway.

Tumawa siya.

"I can't believe I'm hearing that from you!" Tawa niya. Napairap ako.

"Well, I think it's hormones…”

"Hormones? I thought you’re in your drought season?”

I rolled my eyes. Ang dumi ng bibig nito.

“Hormones saying ‘I want to be fucked, already!’ ” Pag iiba ko sa boses ko. “So, you should shut up, and just drink!” I gave her a shot.

She laughed then, and drank the shot I gave. Gumuhit agad iyon sa lalamunan niya dahil nangasim agad ang mukha niya.

"By the way, we invited him,” she suddenly said.

Him. The moment I heard that, I knew she's referring to someone I wanted to have experience with… Totoo ba?

My head snapped at her. She winked.

"Baby, it's time for your birthday sex..." She whispered in my ear sexily.

Shit! Totoo nga!

Oh my fuck. I'll be damn watered tonight?

Matapos marinig iyon ay agad akong nagpunta sa bar counter. I ordered a bottle of tequila. When I got it, I also asked for a shot glass.

I'm gonna roam around and make everyone drink my damn tequila! But of course, body shot for one man... I crave...

I sound like a madwoman! Resulta ba ito ng halos dalawang taong walang dilig?!

Well, I have been playful. Fucking my life to the core that it come to the point my mother had to slap me. I was thankful for that, though. I didn't want to be like her.

I danced along with everyone, and poured tequila on their mouths. Hindi naman pala kailangan itong shot glass, eh!

I'd go to a group of people, make them drink, and then jump to another. Very easy, socialicey. Must go to the goal quickly.

I spotted my goal for tonight. Agad akong nagpursige para mapalapit sa grupo nila na hindi nauubos ang tequila. These people are damn hungry for shots!

"Hey, Tali! Happy Birthday! And congratulations for passing the BAR! Topnotcher!" Mailey shrieked, a friend.

We were grinding our hips to the music while talking. I have lived my life like this. But it stopped. Kasi nga nasampal ako ni Mama.

"Thank you, babe! Give it a shot!"

She opened her mouth and I poured the tequila on it. Naghiyawan naman ang iba. Nangasim agad ang mukha ni Mailey. Tequila effect…

I saw my target sitting on the red couch, with his legs spread. Whiskey on his hand. His friends around him, talking. He was serious and dark.

Tinitigan ko siya ng ilang minuto pa. Damn. He really looks good. Walang palya ang Maykapal sa pag gawa ng mukha niya.

I saw him smirking. Naka side view siya sa ‘kin. Kaya half lang ng mukha niya ang nakikita ko.

His sharped jaw, deepend. I pressed my lips. Damn... Gusto ko ‘yan…