Drowning In My Own Thoughts の小説・ストーリー

ibang tao pa kaya? Tulala akong tumayo. Naglakad papuntang banyo. Agad kong binuksan ang tubig sa bathtub. Wala na ako sa aking sarili. Para na akong nakalutang sa kawalan. Biglang naging manhid ang aking pakiramdam. Ayaw ko ng mag-isip pa. Pagod na ako...pagod na pagod na.......Hangang sa nakita ko na lang ang aking sarili na nasa bathtub na ako. Nakalublob sa tubig at nakatingin sa kawalan...........

Dumeretso ako sa kung saan pero natagpuan ko yung sarili ko sa gitna ng isla. Sa buhangin kaharap ang dalampasigan dahilan para manghina ang tuhod ko at mapayuko, rinig na rinig ko ang pag-iyak ko kung kaya't hinayaan kong mapaluhod ako sa buhangin at yumuko sa sariling palad. I thought I was getting used to it, but no it's getting worse. Now my mind is telling me a lot. I wonder if I'm crazy 'cause it feels like I'm hearing words telling me to get drown so this pain would totally end. I shrugged, thinking it's not true.

I could not move… I felt like I was slowly sinking into the water. Then, memories, voices, confessions flashed in my head like lightning in a storm… “I am a sinner, take me Lord, I am ready to go…” “I deserve this, I am sorry…” “Ayoko nang mabuhay pa!” Each thought echoed louder than the last, drowning me more than the water itself. My lungs burned, my chest ached, and then, silence. Ngunit, bago ako tuluyang lamunin ng dilim, narinig ko pa ang malakas na lagapak ng tubig. Tila may tumalon.

Nanlalabo na ang paningin ko at umiikot na rin ang paligid. “I’m okay, I’m okay…” I kept whispering to myself, pero hindi umuubra. Pumikit ako nang mariin. I saw an image of Mama in a river, dead cold. Another image of her hanging lifeless on a rope. Sunod-sunod ang iling ko. My body shook so badly that I was losing my grip on myself. Para akong mamamatay dahil hindi ako makahinga. And then there was blackness, freeing me from my bad thoughts.

Muling nagpaparamdam saakin lahat ng sakit na matagal ko nang tinatakbuhan. "I got drowned, but there was no one to save me but m-myself. I hugged myself in the dark room. I comforted myself... I made a deal with myself. I told myself that I'd be f-fine, that everything would be fine. I do those things for myself because no one can do them for m-me."

i added with sobs. Napaluhod ako at patuloy na hinihimas ang lapida ng aking anak. I drowned myself in this sorrow, sadness and pain until the pain turn numb. I drowned myself in my tears until they completely drained. Gustohin ko magpakatatag pero saan ako huhugot ng lakas? Bakit sa kabila nangyayari sa buhay ko bakit nanatiling nakatayo pa rin ako sa mundong ito.

Pero kahit iyon ay tila kay-ilap at imposible. I kept asking myself ‘why’ as I drown myself. I didn’t mind to struggle even when I don’t know how to swim. And I don’t expect anyone up there to save me either. I just closed my eyes as my back touched the cold floor of the swimming pool. I heard water splashing but I couldn’t care less.

My eyes welled up when I started to become emotional. Lumamlam ang mata niya habang nakatingin sa 'kin. Sarkastiko akong natawa dahil sa kadramahan ko. P*****a, kung pwede lang lumubog sa kinatatayuan ko ay ginawa ko. Hinding hindi ko hahayaang makita niyang may pumatak ang mga luha ko kaya ginawa ko ang lahat para patuyuin 'yon at hirap man dahil parang may malaking batong nakabara sa lalamunan ko ay lumunok ako. "And it wasn't you, it was Duex who saved me from drowning on my own thoughts," matigas na sambit ko kasabay ng pamumula ng mata niya.

Pero minsan ay wala siya sa tamang pag-iisip. ''You're not thinking I'm crazy, right?'' Biglang bumangon ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Hindi ko inalis ang pagkakatitig ko sa kanya. I have to be alert. Marunong naman akong lumangoy. Hindi nga lang ako magaling. Baka hindi ako umabot nang buhay sa pampang. ''I won't drown you.'' Napamulagat ako. Mukhang nababasa niya ang nasa isip ko.

I was drowning in chaos, paralyzed by the weight of a truth I didn’t yet understand. And in that exact moment, it felt like my skull had been slammed by something brutal and unseen — a violent jolt of pain that shot through me like lightning. My vision blurred. The world around me dimmed. Every thought I had shattered into silence, as if my mind had been forcefully ripped from reality. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe — just frozen, drowning in the chaos of that split second.