Drowning In My Own Thoughts の小説・ストーリー

Ipinahamak ko na naman ang sarili ko! Tuluyan na akong natakot at kahit anong pilit kong pagkalma sa sarili ko ay wala na. I am going to die because of drowning. I continue doing what I know I needed to do in this kind of situation. I used my arms to make me get up the water so I could still have some air. Ilang beses ko pang ginawa at nananalangin na maging okay ang right leg ko nang may humila sa akin. Trace! He didn’t leave me. Of course, why would he?

Tahimik ang buong silid pero ang dibdib ko'y parang may drum na tumutugtog. Pagkapasok sa banyo, binuksan ko agad ang shower. Hinayaan kong dumaloy ang malamig na tubig sa aking balat, hoping it would wash away not just the sweat, but also these... sinful thoughts. "Bakit ba ganito? Hindi naman dapat ako naaapektuhan ng ganito, pero bakit sa tuwing naaalala ko ang haplos niya, ang init ng kanyang mga labi..."

The demons of his past had risen to the surface, consuming his thoughts and driving him to the edge of reason. His fingers curled around the glass of whiskey, the burn of the alcohol a feeble attempt to quell the storm raging within his chest. The image of Summer and another man together was a thorn in his mind, a constant reminder of what he felt he had lost. He stared out at the vast expanse of his property, the darkness outside mirroring the shadows that had taken root within him.

I need a damn place where I can have a peace of mind. Everyday is tiring. Unti-unti akong nawawalan ng ganang makipag-usap sa kahit kanino. Ang interes ko sa ilang bagay ay naglalaho na rin. I feel like I’m losing everything again, even myself. I’m wasting my time just by laying in bed, cry at night, feed my mind with unhealthy thoughts, doing absolutely nothing until I fell asleep.

Her fingers found a way to claw his back through his shirt until she blindly felt it ripped. Umapaw ang tubig mula sa bathtub. Pinuno ng tunog ng tubig na humahampas sa kalamnan ang buong silid. Here is a man of more than six feet tall, drowning a woman of only five and some inches in a bathtub full of murderous water. ‘Dang it!’ Kimberly's brain was already hammering inside her skull. Every second passing by with her submerged under water was making her relive history. Flashes of images and scenes came playing inside her head painfully like they were being pulled out from a locked up side of her memory.

I heaved a heavy sigh and before I'd go, I leaped right into the pool and stayed at the very bottom of the pool, keeping my breath but at the same time, hoping that I would not rise back up anymore. Na sana, hanggang doon na lang ang lahat. People will soon find my body and will assume that I committed suicide. Ano pa nga ba? But quitting was never my thing. Struggle is. Thriving is what I am living for, perhaps ever since I was born. After quiet sometime, I rose back up into the surface, gathered my things and fixed myself. Hindi gaanong malayo ang tinitirhan ko kaya mabilis lang akong nakarating sa sarili kong apartment.

I'm alone. These waves of sadness come every so often and it feels like I'm drowning. And I'm reaching for anyone or anything to pull me out. But at the same time, I don't want to. I don't want anyone to be dragged into this. I catch my breath only to be taken out by the next wave I didn't see coming. I'm trying to just get to my feet but I keep falling. Another thing that adds to and worsens... is my condition. Suddenly, I was no longer responding to those around me. I just feel tired. Hindi ko na rin mahanap ang boses ko. Suddenly I lost the ability to speak and it freaking scares me more.

Hindi ko lang gusto na makita ni Charlie ‘yung ganung side ko kapag sobra na akong naiistress sa trabaho. Kahit na nakita ko na ganun din siya but I haven’t really seen her stress about anything. Siguro, iba lang din siya magtago ng ganun. Kasi ngayon sa akin, panibagong stress na naman yung iisipin ko na nagugustuhan ni Charlie si James. Gusto kong may gawin din ako pero hindi rin ako sigurado. Marami na akong bagay na hindi ako sigurado sa dapat bang gawin and that was kind of disappointing. Isang tao ako na alam lagi ang mga dapat at pinag-iisipan ko talaga. But right now, I feel like I’m drowning and I am continuously being pulled down deeper by my own thoughts and actions.

I whisper. He was now in front of me trying to hold my hand pero inilalayo ko iyon sa kaniya. I dry my tears habang nakangiting tumingin dito. "You know how I love water. I love sea and oceans. Swimming is one of my hobby. Diving and all but I can't do it now. I can't do it Dale because of you. Dale I lost my dream because of you. I lost my self because of you." I told him before I stand up and leave him there. Kahit na paika-ika ang pag lakad ko at nag patuloy ako. I want to be alone. I want to cry alone. I want to feel that I'm alone so that I can calm my self down.

I have plans on my mind, ready to execute when the right time comes. At hahayaan ko muna itong matulog nang mahimbing. Dahil sa oras na kumilos ako, sisiguraduhin kong pati sa panaginip nito ay hindi ko ito patatakasin. I will be his worst nightmare. At kulang ang salitang kamatayan sa ginawa niyang kahayupan sa ina ko. Pabagsak akong nahiga sa may paanan ng kama. I stared at the ceiling. Thoughts flooded my mind.