Drowning In My Own Thoughts 소설 & 이야기

Binalewala ko ang pagsuway ni Avi sa'kin at agad na tinutungga ang bawat shot na natatanggap ko. I have this annoying habit of torturing myself with my own thoughts. I can't stop myself from overthinking. Hindi ko titigilang isipin ang isang bagay hanggang hindi ito nagiging malinaw sa'kin. Hanggang hindi ko nakukuha ang sagot sa aking mga katanungan, patuloy kong iisipin ito.

I just want to be alone, I don't think I can trust anyone now, because the last time I did, it leads me to destroying myself. Nakakatakot, nakakawalang gana, nakakagago. I tried getting out of bed, and I succeed. Umiiyak pa rin, nagtungo ako sa banyo. Naghilamos ako, para kahit papaano ay matauhan, pero hindi iyon nangyari. My mind still continues to wander, to think about what happened last night.

It was cold, yet the desire to go further was evident. Gusto kong maligo. The thoughts with Psalm and… everything that happened tonight seemed to get me, and the only way to wipe it out for a minute is if I drown myself a little in this cold ocean. Is if I… drown my thoughts, as well as myself in this horizon.

Lumakas ang tahip ng aking dibdib, mukhang hindi ako makahinga sa nakita. I feel like I am drowning, hindi ko maigalaw ang aking mga paa at kamay. It's like someone pushing me further. Hindi ko alam tong nararamdaman ko pero takot na takot ako hanggang sa mailublob ko ang aking ulo sa bath tub. Hindi ako makahingi ng tulong, iniisip kong katapusan ko na to hanggang sa makarinig ako ng malakas na boses.

He made me who I am supposed to be. "Alright, I'm leaving now, but try to think about what I said." Paalam niya saka tuluyan ng umalis. Isinubsob ko ang sarili sa trabaho. It's my only way to divert my mind. I think it's better than drowning myself in alcohol. I didn't want to look miserable. I opened my email.

With that resolve, tumayo ako at naglakad papasok sa bahay, hindi para magpahinga na, kundi para kumuha pa ng isang bote ng alak. I wanted to drown these unnecessary thoughts and feelings so bad. The backdoor led me straight to the kitchen. Pakiramdam ko ay umiikot na ang mundo, pero kulang pa ang kalasingan kong ‘to, hangga’t hindi pa pumipikit ang mga mata ko.

Gitil ko at masama siyang tinignan bago ko tinulungan ang sariling tumayo. "Pakawalan mo na ako Zai, k-kalimutan mo 'ko tulad ng ginawa mo nang gawin mong gaguhin ako." The grudge in my heart is making me hard to breathe, I swallowed the lump in my throat. My thoughts were making me crazy, I'm thinking of jumping on the rooftop, i'm thinking making myself drown until I'm out of breath. "Dahil kung hindi, hinding hindi mo na ako makikitang humihinga pa pag-gising mo—"

Sa wakas ay umalis na siya sa tabi ko kaya nakapag-focus na ako sa pamamalengke. ROME Pinagbuklod ko ang mga hita ko habang binabaling ang tingin ko sa paligid. My heavy breathing doesn’t stop. My soul was drowning in the river of my grief. Even if my sight caught the amazing view of the world, my mind was exploring a lot of places in sadness. Sino ba naman kasing hindi malulungkot? Even if my parents are with me, the reality makes me feel that I have no one by my side.

nakangisi niyang sabi. Lumabas na siya ay iniwanan ako rito. Much better! I can drown myself again with my thoughts like what I have use to do these past three days. "TOPHEEER!! TANGINV! HALIKA RITO!" I'm taking my words back. My cousin doesn't want to give me peace. My Good God, please never let our path cross again. My cousin will be the death of me. Hindi ko pinansin ang tawag at malutong na mura sa akin ng napakabait kong pinsan. I want to overthink things peacefully.

My cousin's voice that seems like don't matter anymore and the loud beating of my heart. Nagpumiglas ako sa upuan na para bang walang masakit sa katawan ko. I am more determined to hurt myself just to get rid of the voices. My mind got disoriented...hindi kuna alam ang nangyayari sa palagid ko. I just found myself, lying of the floor as my consciousness slowly fading. - "As of now... your Zhia is suffering. Her trauma is coming back." Napakuyom ang nga kamao ni Lleidzy sa narinig pero matapang niyang sinalubong ang mga tingin ng babae.