Funny Cartman Novels & Stories

I slipped the pregnancy report back into my bag, my hand instinctively resting on my stomach. To the little life inside me, I whispered an apology. I had planned to share the good news today. Calvin Leeroy had longed for this child for so long. It seems he would rather that Susie Cartman be the one to give him a baby. That explained why he had been smiling at his phone so often as of late; his heart was already elsewhere. When I stayed silent, Calvin transferred money to me, just as he always did.

“I mean, what are you doing in a storage closet at a fundraiser? You look like you’d rather be in court, or in a classroom” He huffed a quiet laugh. “Is it that obvious?” “Painfully” my mouth curved slightly. I noticed he smiled a faint smile but it was just for a second. His sharp dark green eyes shone in the dimly lit room. “This isn’t the first time we’ve been in a room together, alone” I blurted out. “That’s not funny,” Carter said coldly, but I could see through him. He didn’t find it funny but he was definitely amused.

James looks back at me with hopeful eyes form the setting room before running back to sit beside me. The cartoon was a 10 mins video about a little boy who's dad was a mutant with extremely large teeth and a green eyes. It was sad and satirical but it was also very funny. I could feel James hopeful eyes staring back at me until the very end of it. He turned the lights back on before the end credits began to play.

Wade gave his friend a tired look, his eyebrow raised as he silently questioned Carter's sanity. "Do you actually hear the things you say?" Breyona quipped, not skipping a beat as she glared at Carter. "Or do you just talk out of your ass and hope it goes well?" I couldn't help but snicker at her comment along with the death glare on her face. Carter placed a hand over his heart, giving Breyona an insulted look. From the looks of it, Breyona's comment earned a chuckle from all of us, a nice distraction to lighten the soul-crushing mood.

Okay, I guess I can’t keep a secret but I don’t think I like this man. “You were so sweet to me when we first met. Where did the magic go?” I ask, making him laugh as he loads his gun and takes out his walkie talkie. “Carter, your liability is here with me, making jokes even after witnessing a massive shooting, where a lot of people got shot but she is still…. making jokes and remains unaffected. Also, still has time to remind me to return her salad spinner.” He says into the walkie talkie. “I am sorry. Was that supposed to be humorous?” I say as I roll my eyes.

“Just a video of a dog playing basketball. Nothing that would amuse you.” Matt chuckled. “Is that all?” Judging by Williamson’s reaction, it was probably a dirty video of a woman. “You boys look like I caught you with your dicks in your hands.” “Sorry, sir,” Carter said nervously and put his phone down to his side. “It won’t happen again.” Matt laughed. “All right, guys, I’m not mad. I was just kidding with ya.” They seemed to relax. Carter was about to put his phone in his pocket.

"I'm not reading into anything. I'm just observing that you laughed at my joke earlier. Actually laughed, not the polite fake laugh you do when you're being professional." Carter was smiling slightly. "Made me realize I haven't heard you really laugh in years." "You made a joke about Marcus's lawyer looking like he wanted to cry. It was objectively funny." I tried to remember laughing, couldn't pinpoint the moment. "Doesn't mean anything." "Maybe not. But it was nice. Seeing you less guarded for a second." Carter went back to his food. "I miss that version of you. The one who laughed at stupid jokes and got excited about strategy sessions."

One of Carter's brother who had blonde hair, Justin suddenly spoke, his voice filled with malice. "Yes, I'm his wife" I replied politely, choosing to ignore the tone he used on me. For some reason, my reply made them all burst into laughter, except the overly quiet guy who just sat, studying me. "Is something funny?" I asked. "I didn't know Carter's standard could go any lower, guess he's still in the business of being the worst among us. Well, I hope he treats you well." The brunette brother, Sabastein spoke this time around.

“They always get mad at me. They say I don’t listen.” “Maybe you don’t,” I teased lightly. “I do!” he protested, defensive. “It’s not my fault they didn’t like my pranks.” I blinked. “Your pranks?” He nodded toward the big TV mounted on his blue wall. “Sock Man likes pranks.” Under my breath, I muttered, “I guess we’ll have to do a little digging into the cartoons you watch.” I turned back to him, biting back a laugh. “Well,” I said softly, “good thing I’m not your nanny, then.”

I gritted out. He sits up straight again. "Okay, hold up man. But she hasn't tried anything crazy since you found her in your house, right?" "Not yet, but I know she will soon. She is a fucking lunatic!" I said and gulped the remaining drink in my glass. Carter burst into laughter again. He doesn't know how angry I am right now. Everything is always a joke to him until I punch that silly face that he uses to deceive girls. "Sorry dude, can't help it. This is so fucking hilarious. I can't believe a girl who is not Megan, is getting you this worked up"