I Thought It Was Just Me Romane & Geschichten

Because maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I was just spiraling again. Or maybe I was right. And if I was… then something was coming.

After asking into nothing if Sei was really there, I realized that it was ridiculous of me to do so, so I just drove home. I concluded that what happened, was only in my head. I have no idea why Sei, of all people, would be the one I thought of for comfort but I won't question it any further since it actually worked.

I thought…" I cut him off. "You thought I was joking because it was April Fools' Day? Or that I was just throwing a tantrum? Either way, from your perspective, I have no one to rely on and I'm easy to persuade, so my feelings never really mattered. Isn't that right?" His expression froze. His lips parted as if he wanted to explain, but nothing came out except hesitation. "No… that's not what I meant. I just… I just…" I thought.

I stood alone, her words echoing in my head, and I realized that she was right about one thing. I was an idiot. But not for the reasons she thought.

The bitterness of it rose in her throat, a sharp, metallic taste that made her want to weep, she thought about the effort she put in, the extra shifts, the planning, the emotional labor she poured into their relationship, and how it all seemed to evaporate, leaving her standing alone in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, invisible to everyone. She stopped at a red light, watching the cars stream past, their headlights blurring into streaks of light, she wondered if he would notice she was gone, or if he would just assume she had gotten busy, or perhaps, even worse, he would be relieved, free to talk about work without the guilt of her presence dampening his mood. The thought was a jagged piec

he was thinking about this. Thinking about me. And somehow, that made my head feel just a little bit lighter. Though still not quite enough to move.

Because a tiny, stupid part of me couldn't help but feel disappointed. I told myself it was just the hormones messing with me. That had to be it, right? I couldn’t think of any other explanation as to why I felt the way I did, but I just decided to push everything to the back of my mind and just pretend not to be bothered. The more time I gave to this issue, the harder it would be to walk away without losing my sanity. But I did my best, and I threw myself into my work.

Explaining I was just so fixated on myself that I forgot about everyone else. I know though, he won’t reply, why would he?

Something quieter but heavier because suddenly, it felt like I was the only one carrying anything. The only one thinking. The only one affected. I looked away quickly, forcing myself to focus on the conversation around me. But it didn’t work. Because once you notice something like that, you can’t unsee it. I picked up my drink, taking a small sip, trying to ground myself. But my mind was already moving and questioning. Was yesterday nothing to him? Was I just… overreacting? I hated that I couldn’t answer that. After a few minutes, I stood up.

I corrected, adding a chuckle because deep inside me, I mean both. "You mean I'm special to you, I thought…." "Wait, did you withdraw because of this?" I cut in leaving him in a puzzled mood.