Insulting Humor Novels & Stories

“Will any of the Torro side be coming to the wedding?” “It would be incredibly rude to leave my father and thy out of the festivities.” I scoffed at him in the way that had always gotten Daddy in a huff with me. “That’s not an answer, and you know it.” “It would be enough of an answer for the average person with half a brain.” “Insults, always the best, are a way for an intellectual to shut someone else down.” Well, he was looking at me now, at least. “Would you like to trade further insults, or would you rather see what I was doing today?”

God really had his favorites. My face threatened to burn. I put the ice pack down and glared at him. "I'm not sure if you're giving compliments or you're lowkey insulting me." Another soft laugh escaped his lips as he flipped the page. "Didn't know saying cute is already a form of insult. Since when did they change the meaning, hmm?"

“Truth hurts, doesn’t it?” “What about ‘persistent’?” He counters. I roll my eyes. “That’s one way to put it.” “Or, maybe ‘physically strong’?” “Absolutely not.” “Smart?” “Good one.” “Right right. Insanely intelligent. That’s better.” “You forgot ‘humble’,” I retort sarcastically. “Ok. How about clever?” “That’s pushing it.” “Frustrating?” “Yes!” I give him a mocking clap. “You finally got one right.”

“You don’t have to insult me just because you are not giving me the job.” “If you are offended about being called fat,” he said with a grin that needed to be arrested, “then lose some flesh, boy.” That was when the universe decided I hadn’t suffered enough. Some idiot sitting in the corner suddenly piped up, way too excited. “Yeah! We could dress him in a G-string, put some makeup on his face. He’d look like a woman. Might even pass!” The two of them burst into laughter like they had just invented comedy. My brain completely shut down. I wanted to grab the nearest tray and fling it at their faces like a deadly frisbee. I imagined it. Slow motion. Beautiful. Satisfying.

"Ms. Sampson's villa isn't home for the homeless. They're your parents, aren't they, Felix? Figures. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Ugh, I can still smell the mud on them." Rage flared within my heart, but I held it back and quickly wiped the water off my in-laws. Diane had a short fuse. She would not stand for this insult, so she snapped, "And who are you supposed to be, you uneducated swine? How dare you call Felix a homeless man!" Zack did not hold back. Instead, he pressed on the attack. He picked up a ceramic ornament and hurled it at Diane. I deflected it with my hand, and the ornament grazed me.

"What? Not my fault you're dumb and you're bringing a diary into your bag at school. You know everyone hated you so it should be you keeping one eye open for your haters." "As if you aren't hated by everyone as well? Illegitimate daughter of the senator. Home wrecker and a shame to the well respected conservative family!" I chuckled hearing his classic and signature insult to me for a very long time. And then I observed myself... Before, I'd instantly flame up once I hear that from him. And most likely, I'd still have the very same reaction if I hear that from someone else. But it's him. And somehow, that insult has watered down to an inside joke between us two.

“My family owned this before but this is mine now and I manage this. They’re busy with their company” “That’s sick!” “You look really surprised” “I didn’t expect that from you. I thought you were a good-for-nothing jerk” “Hey! You’re insulting me!” “Am I? My bad” I jokingly replied. I know he’s not the type that easily gets insulted. He has deep humor and wits which makes him very versatile when dealing with words spitted out to him. “What about you? You’re alone?” “Uhm… ye---” “Zae!!”

Well that explains his lack of respect towards women. "So you're a whiny-ass piece of shit, a man-child, I presume?" I ask with mocking smile on my face. His smiled was wiped off his face clean off, and he looked at me enraged. "Bitch, what the fuck did you just say?" he growled, and the other two stopped laughing as well. Having caught the tension. They were too busy in their heads they haven't even realized I was throwing them an insult. "I said," I paused, crossing my arms against my chest. Their eyes quickly dropped to my cleavage peeking through my blouse, and I smiled, "You're a whiny-ass piece of shit man-child, at best, couldn't make the right decision without mommy standing by you?"

I used to think humiliation had a sound. Like glass breaking, or a car crash. Something loud and violent you could point to. I was wrong. Humiliation sounds like polite laughter. The kind that ripples through a rooftop party at 11:47 PM, when three hundred of Manhattan’s most connected people decide you’re the punchline. “Come on, Alina. Don’t act shocked.”

“Look at them. They look like bathroom tiles.” His insult is so on point and so unexpected that I let out a loud laugh. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe I’m just shrill after almost kissing him. Or maybe I’m just having fun with him. Whatever it is, the result is the same. A laugh loud enough to be heard even from the stage.