Jeff Dunham Quotes Peanut Novels & Stories

He narrows his eyes at me. “And So?” “And that means your pull out game might not be half as strong as it used to be.” His jaw drops so comically, I almost drop my sandwich while laughing. “You take that back.” The statement is even funnier that I find myself laughing even harder. “Never.” “Battle line has been drawn Peanut. Hope you can handle mine.” “Bring it on Vaughnhottie.” He quirks an amused brow, a laugh playing on his lips. “Vaughnhottie?”

“YEAH ! LET THE UNINVITED MOTHERFVCKER GET A TASTE OF ALL OUR ATTENTION AND LOVE” “KILL ! KILL ! KILL !” “BARBECUE HIS ASS, FVCKERS !!” “EVERYONE SHUT THE “HELL” UP ! SEE ? SEE ? WHAT I DID THERE ?” “YEAH SUCKER. YOU USED A PUN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE” “HELL NO ! I AM PUN LORD” “NO YOU ARE POOP LORD. THAT’S IT” “SHUT UP, GUYS ! YOU ARE BEING SO UNCOOL”

Less than 10 seconds later I receive a text. SLONE: Holy hell, girl, he’s FIIIIINE! ME: But is he a serial killer? SLONE: Nah, he’s way too hot! ME: So was Jeffrey Dahmer. SLONE: Would Jeffrey Dahmer let you take his photo? ME: Fair point. SLONE: If you don’t take a slice of that beefcake I will! ME: OMG!! SLONE: He he! (winking devil) Taking a deep, steadying breath, I cautiously step outside.

"Is this lunch?" "Whenever you wanna eat it." He shrugs. "It's just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some chips and cookies." "What kind of peanut butter and jelly?" "Crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jelly on white." "And the chips?" "Funyuns. I put a breath mint in there too, because I know you're self-conscious about it." I'm feeling lucky to know he's remembered all of this about me. For some reason I need to know he remembers the rest. "What about the cookies?"

They burst into laughter again — deep, full, the kind that makes your ribs ache and your eyes water. “And remember,” Nathan said, “when Daniel dared me to eat a jalapeño at the county fair and I passed out in the goat pen?” “You didn’t pass out,” Daniel said. “You just laid down dramatically.” “I was suffering,” Nathan said. “And Sophia gave me milk like I was a baby.” “I was trying to help!” she said. “You looked like you were dying!” “I was dying,” Nathan said, deadpan. “And you just stood there, laughing.”

Gem spits while standing beside mom who is shaking "Haahaa oh yeah we can see you need breaking in, well don't worry cheery pie there's plenty of us whos willing to oblige, and as for this chocolate muffin," he says nodding to mom "well i don't usually like them older but Mmmmm i think ill have a bite of this one",

Olivia said pouting her mouth and make her famous puppy eyes. We all started laughing, they are crazy funny. “ Come on, you got this” Alex is cheering for Damien. “Okay, Okay Pumpkin, Let’s win this”. Damien said rubbing his hands. “So, two words” Damien is trying to sober up..“first word ... aaa... making... cracking an egg?,Damn it’s hard” Damian was complaining ,” mixing... ok second word ... Olivia are you a DJ ?...” Damian was laughing …. “ Pumpkin let’s get our shot, I give up” he said grabbing the Tequila bottle.

“You know it’s never too late to pursue that dream of being a standup comic.” He grinned. “Duke the Cable Guy’s gotta a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” “Sure, your catch phrase could be “I’ll get ‘r done… tomorrow.” “How ’bout this for a catch phrase? ‘Hey, Minus. Shut your Yankee mouth or I’ll put a boot in your fuckin’ ass.’” “Perfect, we’ll call Carnegie Hall for a booking as soon as we’re done here,” he said picking up the ledger. “Now, what the hell am I lookin’ at?”

replied Damon carkingly. "He is so mean ." whispered Cynthia to Sheldon and Jackson. " I am evil dear duckling . " said Damon staring at Cynthia with a evil smile on his face. Cynthia was shocked how could he hear such slow voice. Sheldon looked at Cynthia's expression and told her that he has sharp ears. "Guys stop it please you are wasting class's time. " said Jeffery feeling embarrased because of his brothers .

NO 🍆! Me: AW, COME ON! U DON’T NEED ME FOR THAT! UR A CATCH 🐟😂 Darren: AWW, UR SWEET, BUT SERIOUSLY, IT’S LIKE THE VIBE HAS TOTALLY DRIED UP AROUND HERE. NOBODY’S BITING. AND BELIEVE ME, I’M CASTING THE NET FAR AND WIDE. EVEN 🍑! Me: LOL! THIS IS A 1ST. ME GETTING 🍆 WHILE U HAVE NONE!