Novel & Cerita Never Knew What I Needed

"I d​on't know." Kieran was quiet for‍ a mom​ent. Then h​e said,⁠ "Maybe that‌'s⁠ okay." "H​ow‍ is any o⁠f th‌is okay?​" "Mayb‌e yo‌u'⁠re not supposed t⁠o‍ k‌now y⁠et. Maybe becoming som‍ething new m‍eans not kn‌owing w‌hat⁠ you are for a wh​i​le."‍ He leaned back. "You've spent your w‌hole l⁠i⁠fe‍ be​ing what ot‍her people needed. Your‌ mot⁠her. Your stepfather. Now you're here and​ n‌o on⁠e's ask‌ing you to⁠ be anything except⁠ yourse‌lf. A​nd you don't kn⁠o‌w who that⁠ is beca‌use you've never been allowed to find⁠ out."

Then the apartment was completely quiet. I stood against my door in the dark for a long time. Then I crossed to the window and looked at the city, all that light, all those lives, and I thought about needing someone who shows up in the moments that cost something and wondered if I had just given him the thing he needed to become that person or the thing that would make him walk away. I did not know. And not knowing was its own kind of weight to carry to bed.

Finally, I asked the only question I could. "What do you need?" The answer came almost immediately… small, broken and honest. "I don't know."

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do.

Not someone she had to shrink for. Not someone who mistook silence for safety. But someone who could say, out loud, I need you. And mean it. ... I didn’t know how to do that yet. But for the first time in my life, I wanted to learn.

I wasn’t ready for this. Or… was I? One thing was for certain. I needed to find out the truth.

I don’t have time. My hands keep movin', throwin' out clothes, weapons, anythin' that’s in my way. I need somethin', but I don’t even know what it is. I can feel the madness bubblin' up inside me, the walls closin' in. My heart’s racin', my breath coming in short bursts. The world’s spinnin' faster, and I’m stuck tryin' to catch up. What do I need?

All I knew was that I needed more time, and I didn’t know how to make her understand that. I couldn’t find the right words to say. The truth was, I didn’t know if I was ready for that step, and I didn’t want to make a promise I couldn’t keep.

And I needed to know. To be continued...

I was notable for being curious, but in this scenario the need to know sent a wave of irritation that ran through me. The need to know who she had been with.