Novel & Cerita Never Knew What I Needed

I stood there, fury clawing at my ribs, knowing I was missing something. Something they all knew— That I didn’t. What the fuck was I missing?

Tired of pretending the holidays didn’t take every insecurity I owned and amplify it by ten. The worst part was that I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. Not really. Just that I needed space. Somewhere, I wasn’t being watched. Somewhere, I didn’t feel like a progress report. Somewhere I could exist without explanation. I reached for my phone again. I wasn’t planning anything dramatic. This wasn’t a breakdown. This was a browse. A harmless scroll. Completely reasonable behaviour. I opened a travel app. France appeared almost immediately, as if it had been waiting for me to admit something.

bubble", so to speak. My life has always been complicated, what do I want? I don't know, what do I want? No idea, but I can't stay asleep, life has taught me in one way or another that if it catches you flying low it hits you where it hurts the most and I don't want to keep suffering for those things, I just like to think that I'm not weak, even if deep down, I'm still the same little girl.

He whispered softly. "Sarah, I want you to know... uh?" He asked cautiously. "You want me to know what?" she breathed softly, biting down on her lip. "Before I met you..." he trailed off, lowering his gaze. "I had no idea what happiness was like." A sad smile grew on his lips. "There was no one to talk to who understood me. No one to look forward to seeing, no one to laugh with or be silly with..." he trailed off, his voice growing quieter and weaker.

It had been about the not-knowing itself—the same helplessness I'd lived inside for five years, never certain which version of my uncle would walk through a door, never able to predict the shape the next cruelty would take. "I don't want to be protected from information anymore," I said quietly. "Even bad information. Even uncertain information. I spent five years not knowing things because someone decided I couldn't handle knowing them. I can handle this. I need to handle this. Not knowing what you know is worse than knowing something frightening." Ryker's arms tightened around me. "I hear you," he said. "I'm sorry. You're right."

I didn't know which was the right choice. But I knew I couldn't make it alone. I needed help. I needed guidance. I needed someone to tell me what to do. But there was no one. Just me. And the weight of the world on my shoulders.

And she wouldn't have let my life be this terrible. I remembered her laugh. Her hugs. The way she actually listened. A sigh escaped me. "Where is my life even going?" I fell backward onto my bed. I didn't know anymore, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I just knew I was tired of being moved around like I didn't have a say. A knock sounded at my door. I frowned. I sat up. "Come in." The door opened slowly.

I knew what I was missing was very important to me, but to remember it was my biggest problem. I didn't know what else to do. I knew I had to find out what was happening, but I didn't know how to find out. I could feel that what I was missing was part of my body, but I couldn't think of anything else. I don't know what was happening to me, I could feel that all my body was in pain, and I felt sad and angry, but I don't know why I'm sad and angry, I don't know what is happening to me now, I knew I had to find it out.

Silent understanding. Exactly what I needed.

"What do you need from me?" The question arrived in the way it always did from him — not rhetorical, not performative, a genuine inquiry about what would actually be useful. I had learned to take it seriously rather than deflecting it. "I need you to know," I said. "So I'm not carrying it alone. And I need to think about it without pressure." I paused. "There's nothing to do yet. There may not be anything to do for months. This is a person who has lived her whole life without knowing where she came from, and she picked up the phone and called a stranger and asked if her possible parents were good people. That took a great deal and I don't want to crowd it."