You're So Old Jokes Novels & Stories

I was halfway through a sad cafeteria lunch when a livestream popped up: [Ring toss—whoever lands it gets the dog.] Onscreen, Alverton University's rich-boy squad cracked up, betting on who'd "own" me. Adrian Locke, the student council golden boy, flicked his ring. It landed dead center on my nameplate. "One month. Let's see which owner the little bitch wags her tail for." I closed the stream. Right then, a text from my dad lit up my phone: [Sweetheart, have you chosen your fiancé candidate?] I smirked, snapped a screenshot of the stream, and sent it. [Evaluation complete. All four disqualified.]

Since battling over a spade in kindergarten, Dior and Patricia have been life sworn enemies. Despite Dior being the future alpha, Patricia never respected or feared him. She was always a daring omega, not afraid of stating her opinion. With age, the venom runs thicker in their veins. While Dior becomes popular and sought-after, Patricia finds herself bullied by the entire pack. Sick of the treatment she receives, Patricia decides to go rogue, only for fate to laugh her in the face—it turns out the alpha she left is her mate.

Tracie Conner has saved my mom's life before, so I've given her ten chances to make mistakes. On the day of our engagement, Tracie fled the venue with her first love, Elton Stafford. I chose to forgive her. On the day my mom gets discharged from the hospital, Tracie and Elton can be seen making out passionately with each other at the main entrance. I merely ignore them. In the year after that, Tracie keeps making all sorts of mistakes because of Elton. But I treat her like the same and never take her behavior to heart. That's why Tracie begins acting out of hand, thinking that I will always love her. The tenth chance is used up when Tracie brings Elton to our marital home on our wedding day. When her best friend, Erica Frey, accidentally stumbles upon them during their deed, Tracie doesn't give a damn at all. "Elton is my first love. What's wrong with us using this bedroom to get closure? Besides, Jonas loves me so much. Even if he sees me cheating on him, he'll forgive me." I chuckle softly as I watch everything unfold from a corner. Tracie has used up her tenth chance. Now, I no longer owe her anything.

When Nathan comes to pick me up on the day of the wedding, he loses his footing and falls down a flight of stairs that's several feet high. He's not badly injured, but he bumps his head on the steps and ends up with jumbled memories. He mistakenly thinks that I am his first love, who had once hurt him. He reacts violently whenever he sees me. At this time, I found out that I am pregnant. The doctor says that the good news might be able to awaken his memories partially. I rush off to find him, holding the medical report. However, I accidentally overhear the conversation between him and his friends. "Nate is always full of ideas. Now he's even claiming that his memories are jumbled up! As long as you don't get bored, Olivia will never be able to force you to get married." "Don't spout nonsense. I do love Liv, and she's the only one that I'll ever love. I'll just have fun for half a month more before I settle down and get married." "Half a month? That isn't even enough time to flirt with all the female models at the club. Can you really be satisfied with that?" Nathan's expression turns cold as he snaps, "I'm not an irresponsible jerk. Liv and I have been together for so many years. "I'm definitely going to marry her. Call someone now! I want the one from yesterday with a tiny waist and a big bottom. It excites me to look at her!" Trembling, I tear up the notice from the hospital and turn to leave.

To celebrate our third wedding anniversary, I get us a dinner reservation and prepare a gift for her, complete with a handwritten love letter. But my wife, Teresa Sloan, doesn't show up. Meanwhile, while attending the welcome-back party for her first love, Carlton Unger, she walks around on his arm with a radiant smile on her face. Someone asks her who I am. She replies, "No one worth mentioning." From that day onward, I stop waiting around for her. Sometime later, she comes crying to me, saying, "I love you, Silas." I tell her, "It's too late."

I've just left the washroom when Vanessa Shallow, who has just returned from her maternity leave, covers her mouth as she laughs at me. "Wow, you really are quick when it comes to bathroom breaks, huh? No wonder your sales performance is increasing by leaps and bounds! I suppose it's all thanks to your ability to take off your pants very quickly!" Vanessa acts as though she's joking as she starts making faces at the male colleagues around us. "Right, I forgot how prideful young ladies are nowadays! They can't seem to accept such truths when spoken in such a blunt manner!" The colleagues burst out laughing in a lecherous way afterward. Their perverted gazes keep clinging to my legs the whole time. As I stare at Vanessa's slightly bloated face, my gaze grows cold. It seems that she's so anxious to get her position as the project leader back that she's willing to shed even her sense of shame and propriety. I take a step forward and speak up. "I'm not as skilled as you are when it comes to such things, Vanessa. After all, not everyone is capable of making Mr. Studdard visit their home every midnight during their maternity leave." As soon as my words fall, the previously rowdy office goes deathly silent.

A video of my boyfriend proposing to his secretary makes it to the trending topics. Everyone squeals over how romantic and touching it is. His secretary even posts on social media, "I've waited so long for you to appear, and I'm glad I didn't give up. I'll leave my life in your hands, Mr. Emerson." One of the comments goes, "God, this is so sweet. A CEO and his secretary—I ship them!" I don't weep or cause a fuss. Instead, I close the webpage and ask my boyfriend for an explanation. That's when I hear him talking to his friends. "I didn't have a choice. She would've been forced to marry someone she doesn't love if I didn't help her." "What about Vicky? She's your actual girlfriend. Aren't you afraid of her getting mad?" "So what if she is? She's been with me for seven years—she can't live without me." Later, I have my wedding on the same day as his. Our cars drive past each other, and I exchange bouquets with his secretary. When he sees me, he breaks down.

She’s texting him her heart. But she’s got the wrong number… When Isabel “El” Watson applied for a sales job with her company, she had no idea a jelly donut would explode on her blouse, or that her grumpy boss would practically laugh her out of the interview. Accountants could be salespeople, she was sure of it, even if that jerkface didn’t think so. So when a lady at the local wine festival offers her a sales job on the spot at a new boutique winery, El jumps at the chance. She also jumps at the chance to text with the guy who danced with her at the festival. Life was finally looking up. Boston’s friend, Chad, never should have given Boston’s number to the girl at the wine festival as a joke, but the damage was done. When El sends Boston a text later that night, believing he is Chad, he’s too nice to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth. But there are a few other truths Boston might have thought about: Truth #1: He’s her boss Truth #2: She just accepted a job at his mother’s new winery Truth #3: He’s always had a crush on her Even though Boston is no longer El’s grumpy boss, they still work together at his mom’s winery. And while sparks are flying as they get to know each other for real, El’s kind of sweet on the guy who always seems to know just what to say via text too. Obviously, things will come to a head. Will Boston come clean about the flirty texts being from him? Or will El figure out on her own that she’s been Texting With the Enemy?

Fifteen years ago, my parents-in-law were cut into pieces. My wife and I spent years searching for the killer. One day, I came back from the market and found that the neighbor’s family had been murdered in the same way. At the crime scene, I saw the neighbor’s face in the mirror. I rushed out and chased him. I was just about to catch him when my wife stopped and handcuffed me with her own hands. “Drop the act. You’re the killer!”

As the only daughter of a casino magnate, I have grown up surrounded by danger and betrayal. To keep me safe, my father has raised nine bodyguards from a young age. After I come of age, he asks me to choose one of them as my fiance. Everyone expects me to pick Harry Hunt, the man I have secretly loved for years. But I do not—not after what happened in my previous life. On the day of our engagement, I was kidnapped, and my hands were pierced with poison-tipped spikes. Tortured and desperate, I called Harry for help. His response still haunts me today. "Victoria, stop with these games. Your location shows you're still in the hotel suite. Trying to pull these pity stunts just to keep me to yourself? Pathetic." With another woman laughing in the background, I closed my eyes and gave up. As the iron cage sank beneath the waves and the sea filled my lungs, my life ended. Then, I open my eyes and find myself back on the day my father asked me to make a choice. This time, Harry's name is the first I cross off the list. But why is he crying and begging me to marry him at my engagement banquet with Jeffrey Reed?