Stronger Than Pain

Did you kill him?" The detective asked again.

"I've already answered you like a thousand times... Yes, he was a monster. Yes, he beat me up a lot but I didn't do it. I didn't kill Jude!" Amanda replied.

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be a victim of abuse and all that, but you need to understand that murder is a serious case too. You'll have to forgive us for asking you continually it's just that you were the closest to him we've got here."

"I wasn't. There was someone else he was seeing that knew a lot about him than I ever did," Amanda replied.

*******

The night was growing colder and the rains seemed to have agitated in full force. Amanda sat on one of the soft leather chairs that squeaked with her every move in the living room with tears in her eyes as she watched the rains drop on the floor forming small pools and waited for Jude to come back. She was worried sick about his whereabouts even though all his presence caused her were pain and more tears. The protruding bump on her stomach, made it quite difficult to move around at ease so she was stuck with calling his busied line while she watched the clock tick its way into the midnight mark.

She struggled to get hold of her mobile phone and switched the flashlight on as the power had just seized. In my country, it was almost impossible for the rains to fall without a shortage in light supply. She held on to the arm of the couch and struggled to get up hoping to get into her son's room and switch his power saving light bulb on so he wouldn't wake up in utter darkness.

She had what most people referred to as a comfortable living. One of the best estates in Abuja with uninterrupted power supply except in rare cases like this one, water supply and a peaceful environ. Their house was a detached duplex whose outer coat had a solid white colour with a giant column on both sides that firmly supported the balcony. She had a very accomodating compound and you could see three cars parked at the garage by the side, which is only when Jude had driven the fourth Jeep out to work.

Beside the garage, a little house was erected and it was the boy's quarters. It was very close to the flowers that Okon the gateman, watered and sheared every morning. His house was just beside the big black gate and he always had a bench at the entrance where he would stay every morning or night whenever he waited for Jude to come back just like that night. 

She got into Junior's room and flashed the light at his face which he quickly jerked to and then she diverted the light somewhere else. She slowly moved to his bedside and fell slowly on his bed while she tried to turn the light bulb on. The energy saving bulb flickered to life and the room was lit once more. His room had a small blue plastic chair with a matching blue table on which a pile of disarranged textbooks she believed he was going to use the next day at school, laid. 

He had a small flat screen television quite smaller than the one they had at the living room where he would watch his favourite television shows since Jude often forbade him from coming down and as he called it 'littering' his living room. Everything had a touch of blue on it ranging from the walls to the sheets and rug since seemingly blue was his favourite colour, Amanda often went out of her way to make sure everything bore a shade of it.  

She stared at his face. He took every visible trait from his father and the thought of him being like Jude scared her the more. She used a finger to wipe off the bubbles of sweat on his forehead and used an old children's magazine on his bed side table, to blow off the heat that she felt he did feel.

She suddenly heard the downstairs main entrance door open with the wooden door slamming the wall behind it with a forceful impact and she knew that he was back. Her greatest fear was back. "Amanda! Amanda!" The coarse voice rang through. She thought about hiding behind her son's wardrobe, which was basically what she always did when she feared he was drunk and knew her presence which he would seek for, would warrant undeserved beatings.  

"Jude! I'm here," she said shutting her ideas about hiding down, she stood up from Junior's bed and made for the door when she accidentally bumped into him. "I'm sorry," she quickly said and bent her head in sincerity awaiting her fate.

"Oh! So you want to push me down?" He asked and she immediately perceived the stench of alcohol. It was not as though she was surprised because she expected it, but the influence on him that day, was stronger than she had ever seen before. She was too petrified to even make eye contacts with him. His deep yet steady and quite coherent voice rang through. His dark skin and evenly crafted lips of black and pink parting danced about as words flew out from his mouth. 

They were right in front of Junior's room which was adjacent to where Jude slept and directly opposite to her own room. She started sleeping in a different room from the main master's bedroom, when Jude had officially sent her packing and immediately after she had taken in with another pregnancy. It was a safe space for her at least she could sleep fully with eyes closed and rest from the tortures the day had brought to her while awaiting a new dawn.

There was an ironing board with a slightly faded wrapper and an iron placed on its top with the bottom of the iron keeping it in place. A large orange bag with loosely sewn netting was just beside the ironing board and had dirty clothes inside it filling it to its brim and some of it toppled and fell on the floor around it. 

"No, it was a mistake. I didn't mean to do that. Please forgive me," She pleaded and tears began trailing down. She figured she was too late with her pleading when she felt his palms across her cheeks making her to forcefully crash on the cold floor. She cried so painfully as she held on to her lower abdomen hoping nothing had happened to her yet unborn child and watched as he staggered into the room with his button undone.

She was six months pregnant and it had been five years of her marriage to Jude. As she sat on the floor, she ruminated on their past life and how it all began. Tears had been her second food as she cried all day and all night. Where did it all go wrong? She kept asking herself. She and Jude were madly in love with each other before the marriage and everything was perfect. Then it happened that a year into the marriage, he completely felt nothing but disgust for her presence.

Everywhere they went, people envisaged their marriage as a perfect bliss of love as a beacon of hope for other failing marriages... As the ideal couple. If only they knew the truth, she often said to herself. She was still at the floor where she was too weak to stand.  She placed her palm on the floor and assumed a kneeling position and reached for the door knob of Junior's room for support and slowly made it up.

She couldn't sleep that night. She turned from one side to the other on the bed wishing the living nightmare would be over at least for the sake of her son. She had sustained bruises and scratches over the years, each of them from horrible events that she could still detailedly describe. 

****

She felt a freshly scented shirt fall on her face and quickly struggled for defence as she twisted her wrists in the air until she discovered it was just Jude dropping his cotton suit shirt to be ironed for work. She held the bed for support and leaned forward making sure to place a pillow at her back for ease and reclining backward with a weak sigh.

"Jude, you know I'm pregnant?" She said more than asked.

"So? Pregnant women don't work? You want to excuse laziness and paint it as pregnancy abi? Women of even nine months in the village, go to...to far away to fetch water and you Madam, we should spoon feed you because you are pregnant."

"Jude that is not what I said and you know it," she sobbed. "The last antenatal I went for, it was Okon at the gate that took me. I haven't been eating well because I can't do it all. I need my husband... I need you," she said.

"Listen... I don't have time for this. I have to rush to work for a board meeting so please press that cloth and keep it on my bed while I go shower. Also, my breakfast has to be downstairs before I get there," he said and slowly walked out of the door. She took the shirt and mustered the needed strength to do what he had just said. In his defence, doing menial chores help in easy delivery or at least that was what the doctor said.

She walked over to the ironing table at the corridor just outside her room. She placed the blue shirt on the board and fixed the iron's cord to the switch. Just so she could keep up and multitask, she walked downstairs and boiled the hot water for his breakfast and for Junior's. She decided then to pack up and set Junior's lunch bag with few loaves of toast bread since she didn't have the energy at that moment to do anything more. She was placing the last partly burnt loaf, when she heard her name.

"Amanda! You foolish woman! Where are you?" She heard and squeezed her night dress hard. She moved back and stopped only when she had felt the burner behind her and kept wondering what she had done wrong? "Amanda! So I asked you to press my cloth and you burnt it?" He asked, his eyes red with rage. He waved the shirt up so she could see the large imprint the hot iron had caused. He also however, carried the iron in his other hand.

"I... I was..." She mumbled.

"What were you doing down here?" He asked.

"I came t..to make your breakfast. You said you wanted it ready before you come down. So... I.. I was hoping you could be eating before I quickly press it."

 "Do you know how much I got this shirt? I will leave an indelible mark on your skin," he said holding the iron. "Next time, you will not make this mistake again." At first she thought he was bluffing until he brought the iron close to her skin and held it even tighter. 

"Jude please I am begging you in God's name... Please don't do that." She knelt down and rubbed her sweaty palms together, but he didn't listen to her. He however pushed the silver plated flat end on her skin and supported it with his other hand. The tears she cried that day were fresh. Quite different from the others she had gotten used to. The excruciating pain from the heat of the pressing iron on the back of her hand sent weakening signals to her spinal cord. She kicked her legs one against the other, but he wouldn't stop. She screamed until Junior came running down and threw multiple punches on his leg.

Even as a kid, Junior had always been her saviour. Jude pulled out the iron and her skin peeled out with it. Her  inner flesh were exposed and she saw her bleeding tissues stare back at her. The blood from the inner vessels rushed to the surface and rushed out staining the tiles red. She couldn't stop crying as Junior joined in not fully understanding why he cried. He cried along and she grasped him in and held him tight to her chest keeping him there. Safe from harm. 

"Mummy I hate daddy! Daddy is very wicked," he said.

"No... No Junior don't say that. Your dad isn't wicked," she sobbed as her face unveiled more tears and sweat. "Your dad is just stressed. He is going through a lot at work and it is stressing him out OK? Remember when dad buys ice cream after each close of day? Or when he takes us to the park during the weekends? Your dad is still the same man OK?" 

"Mummy, but look at what daddy did to you," he sobbed exposing the site to her eyes and she cried the more. 

"It was an accident OK? Daddy didn't mean to hurt me. Umm... Why don't you go and get dressed for school? You don't want to go late now you know? I made toast bread for you," she said weakly.

"Mummy I want to stay with you," he cried. She felt they had argued long enough on the issue as he was running late for school. She sighed and straightened herself holding on to one of the cupboards under the kitchen counter where she sat. She kissed his forehead and together they went into his room to prepare him for school. She took him to his bathroom and bent to bath him but he refused. 

"Junior let me bath you OK? Your school bus will soon be here," she pleaded.

"Mummy I'm a big boy, I can bath myself. Please just rest," he said. A Part of her was glad he said that because the giant chunk of her skin that pulled out with the iron, still showed her inner skin bleeding fresh and she helped to cover the sight with her other palm. She wiped off her tears and was glad he had grown to do certain things for her as it made the work quite easy around. Inaudibility of Jude's walking around sent the message that he had gone to work. She sat on Junior's bed and brought out the clothes for that day for him. He schooled in one of the well-known schools in the city of Abuja, Royal International School. Jude was OK paying his school fees, but the rest of the many other monetary affairs fell on her weak shoulders.

While he worked for one of the many Julius Berger outlets as the managing director, she sold clothing and accessories in a fancy boutique. Since her pregnancy struck, she hadn't been active around at the shop, but could work from home and that was how she got enough money for all the demands pregnancy requested for. 

Junior came out of the bathroom, creamed his body and wore his uniform in readiness for school. She ended up not doing much afterall. She heard a knock on Junior's door and knew it had to be Okon, the gate man."Come in," she instructed. The short dark fairly young man walked in on his security uniform and stood by the door to address her. 

"Maram, good morning ma. Junior's school bus e dey downstairs." 

"His school bus is here already? Junior you see I told you to be faster. Oya go o... Take this money to get something in school OK?" She said and squeezed in a hundred naira note into his palms which she had gotten from her pocket.

"Yes mummy... Thank you," he said and hugged her. Her arms ran across his back and a faint peck landed on his cheek. Okon took him afterwards, and she was left all by herself hopefully till they returned. Jude never allowed her to go out at all and she only visited the hospital at regular intervals for routine check up, something Jude had intended to wipe off from the schedule entirely if he had the means to. He did this to silence her... To shut her off from the society. She sometimes debunked the idea of crying out because she feared his wrath if he got to figure out.

She wondered if she had to go to the hospital at all. Was it necessary? If Jude found out she had gone out, she would be in a serious fix. She pulled her aching hand out to her sight and saw the wrinkles the burn had caused. It had left the indelible mark he spoke about as the sharp triangle mark the iron caused was evident. 

"I had to go to the hospital," she kept saying to myself. There was no way he would know she left the house if she returns before he does. That was exactly what she had to do and she made plans of leaving.

*****

Jude was an engineer, who worked as a managing director to one of the Julius Berger branch offices. He played a retro music on his way to work banging his hands on the steering wheel when he felt the song had hit hard and nodded his head in self approval. It was one of the legendary Bob Marley's songs he listened to that morning. 

He had his official yellow plastic construction cap at the back seat beside an umbrella and some official documents. A mini replica shirt of the great Lampard from Chelsea dangled and swayed from the mirror above his head. He bent to see if the work at the site was moving smoothly when he reached there and noticed the guys working tirelessly with sweat beads and dirty feets carrying  head pans and some mixing the cement. He then decided to go to his office.

"You're late today," his secretary sauntered in with an office white file. "Message reaching us from the head office says you should access it."

"Was Mister Collins here?" He asked with deep worry in his eyes.

"Mhmm... He asked after you."

"Oh my God! what did you say?" He added again.

"Relax! I covered up for you... As always. He said I should give this to you. You need to stop reporting late to work, if you don't want to lose this big position of yours because I can't keep lying. What happened this time?" She asked.

"It's my stupid wife. Can you believe she burnt the shirt I had initial plans of wearing?" He replied breathing hard and hitting his fist on the desk.

"I'm sorry about that. If there is anything I can do to help," she said drawing invisible curves on his chest.

"Yes... You can start by leaving now." He ran his hands into his pockets searchingly looking for something.

"Jeez how rude. I just saved your life."

"Yes and I'm indebted to you but I'm married," he said flashing his gold plated ring that still reflected under light. 

"You mean to the woman you just called stupid? You are just making a show out of yourself. You claim to love her, but repeatedly beat her up. You don't even..."

"Hey! Shut up and mind your business! You need to leave now. I can't find my drawer keys or have you seen them?" He asked and she shook her head.

He cursed and left the office making plans to return back home to look for them. He had zoomed back home following the same path as he did on arrival and he found them lying lifelessly on the centre table and picking them up, he turned to leave.

"Amanda I'm going out again!"  His voice bellowed and the emptiness of the house reflected through by his echo. He stopped and stared around momentarily repeating her name in a definite sequence. She had probably packed her things and left him.. He thought.

He branched into the kitchen and saw trickles of dried blood in circles on the floor along side an open loaf of bread and some unwashed plates from the night before. He closed the kitchen and made for the stairs still calling her name as he took progressive steps. Her room's door was not locked so he quietly opened it up, and saw her seated on the bed reading a book.

"What is it?" She asked. "Were you expecting me not to be here?"

"I gave a command and you didn't reply," he said. 

"I heard you that's why." Her eyes still moving as she read the words.

"Why are you dressed? Planning on going out?" He added staring at her makeup and her navy blue dress.

"Forgive me for trying to be a human being after you constantly treat me like an animal," she said and shot him a painful stare.

He looked around the room trying to figure out what was not in order right there in her room. Something didn't just feel right.

"Very well," he said and slowly left the room until she could hear his car zoom off and out of the compound.

 Amanda quickly closed the book and gave off a sigh. She added some extra powder on the mark of the last punch he had given her and waited until his car had left the gate, before she followed after.

Unknowingly to her, Jude had parked his car behind one of the neighbour's and saw her drive out, then carefully drove back in waiting for her like a predator awaiting its prey.