Try Not To Love

It was a chilly night in the year 2030.

Heavy droplets of rain poured down on the roof. I looked above and saw water leaking continuously from the hole in the roof, to the pail on the ground. Soon the water in the pail will overflow.

I stood up and changed the pail. Then, I went back to the living room and continued folding my son’s high-school uniform. The television was on, it filled the noise inside the house along with raindrops.

When I looked at the wall clock, I found out that it is already eight in the evening. But my son is still not home.

“Eugene is running late.”

My son told me that he will meet his classmates and review with them in the library for their upcoming exam. However, I couldn’t help but get worried at Eugene who’s still in his adolescent stage. I checked my phone countless times, hoping to hear anything from him. But, I received none.

When I decided to give him a call instead, the news on the television caught my attention.

[“Breaking news. Cyrus Desmond, the director of Geelq corporation, was found dead inside his room. According to the investigation, the 39-year-old man took his life by drinking too much sleeping pills at a time.”]

My hands shook for unknown reasons. I was so confused why I felt so bothered at the news, only to remember the surname I just heard.

‘Desmond.’

In my whole life, there’s only one person I know who has that surname. It is Eric Desmond, my college friend and the father of my child.

It’s been years already. I tried too hard to forget him but now that I heard his surname, the hatred grew in my heart.

‘I hate him to the bone. And I vowed to despise him until the day I die.’

Kring kring~ Kring kring~

 When I heard the ringing of the phone, I found myself trembling in madness. It was as if a bucket of ice was poured down in my head, then I turned around to stare at the ringing phone on my hand.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself down and answered the call from Gabrielle, a close friend of mine here in our neighborhood.

“Hello, Gab?”

[“Jane! You need to go to the police station! Eugene was brought by the police!”]

I dropped my son’s shirt.

The news came to me as a complete shock, as if I was electrified. I heard the sound like a bird flapping its wings in panic, battling against the sound of the rain. It was my heart. I was lightheaded, and my skin was cold and sweaty. And when I processed the information well, I ran out of the house with only a jacket to keep me away from the cold, and a wallet that only had a hundred dollars on it.

With my trembling knees, I arrived at the police station. I saw Eugene inside the cell with cuts on his lips, bruises all over his body, blood on his neck and black eyes. Seeing that, I felt as if I was demolished, as if there was a wrecking ball that had swooped in and destroyed my world.

“Eugene!” I shouted before running towards his side.

With tears in his eyes, Eugene walked closer to the cell blocks and called me, “Mom!”

“A-Are you okay? Do you feel hurt?”

Crying, Eugene shook his head. “I’m fine, don’t worry too much.”

Trying to be strong even though my knees were all trembling, I looked at the police officer who stood beside me.

“What happened? Why is my child here?”

The police officer breathed out for a second, before he said, “We caught your child stealing from the convenience store. His friends reported him.”

Stealing? Eugene did?!

With widened eyes, I stared back at my son.

“No! That’s not true! I didn’t steal anything! Believe me!” Eugene begged.

“My son said he didn’t do it,” I said to the officer.

“Well, we have the CCTV footage. You can check it if you want.”

With that, I checked the CCTV footage of the incident. And from the record, it showed that my son, Eugene, did steal in the store without paying it.

The chill haze of my suspicion began to crystallize as I looked back at my son. My racing heart and shivering body were telling me that I don’t have a choice but to believe that Eugene did something wrong.

“Children under 15 can’t be arrested or charged with a crime. However, this will serve as a warning to your son. For now, you can take him back home,” the officer said.

“No!” Eugene shouted. “I told you already! I did not steal! Why can’t you believe me?!”

Slowly, I turned my back against my son and bit my lower lip.

“Mom! Mom! I did not do it! You believed me, right? Right? M…”

“Thank you so much, officer,” I said to the police, which made Eugene stop from brawling. “I will take my son home.”

Eugene was released from the cell and the two of us went out of the prison.

Steady drizzle of rain is still descending from above, landing loudly on the pavement. I opened the umbrella I brought as I stared at the puddle gathered along the crevices and cracks of the soggy ground.

“When we arrive home, we will take care of your wounds,” I said.  

I walked forward but stopped when I realized that my son didn’t walk along with me. Turning around, I saw Eugene with his head hanging low.

“Aren’t you going to ask me anything?” he murmured in a low tone.

I clenched my free hand, opened and closed, as I couldn’t bear leaving it empty. Then I detached my lips.

“Like, why did you do it?”

My son kept his eyes downcast. All of a sudden, I heard him chuckle.

“That question simply means that you didn’t believe me,” he whispered, clamming his fingers into white-knuckled vise grips.

Actually, I really wanted to believe Eugene. But the video in the footage clearly showed that he’s guilty for his crime. And I was disappointed, both of him and myself.

“Mom you… you really don’t know me,” he whispered before he lifted his head.

As soon as his blue eyes peered straight into mine, the weight of grief crushed my soul.

What does he mean that I don’t know him?

From the day he was born, I lived my life just for him. It was me who first fed him, who clothed him, who saw his first smile and who sent him to the school with a worried face.

“Instead of asking me if it is true and hearing my explanation, you already jumped into conclusion that I really did it,” he said with tears brimming in the corner of his eyes. “What should I expect? Mom does not care for me.”

“I didn’t care for you?” I asked in disbelief.

I gave up my youth and my dream on the day I chose to give birth to him. How could he say that to me?!

“Eugene, how could you think of that? I worked so hard for the two of us. There’s no day that I rest because I care for you.”

“Yeah. And that’s why you don’t have time for me. To know me better, mom. That’s why it is so easy for you to believe that I did wrong, when it’s not true.”

“It is because I saw it with my own eyes!”

“Not everything you saw is the truth!”

At my son’s shout, I pursed my lips.

Not everything you saw is the truth. He’s right. I kept on smiling, and telling to myself that everything will be better. But deep inside, I am tired of this life. Worrying if there will be food to eat tomorrow, or if I have money to support him and his future.

I always said that I’m fine, that I can do it. But behind smiles and reassurance, I knew I reached my limit.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured as tears fell down on my eyes. “I am sorry for making you feel that I don’t care about you. However, I wish you can see all my effort just to give the best life.”

“I am not living the best life, mom.”

When Eugene said that, I felt that my whole world crumbled apart. I was here, in total paralysis. It felt like I did nothing to him, when he was my world, my priority, the most important person after God and my parents, but…he’s not happy with me.

“I wish you didn’t let me be born in this world,” he cried before he ran away from me.

The umbrella fell down from my hands.

Giving birth to him, that was the hardest choice I had in my whole life. Yet, I made him feel that it was also the worst choice I chose.

It’s my fault.

If there’s someone to blame, then it should be me.

Feeling the ache ripping inside my heart, I turned around. The raindrops poured on me, making my whole body shivered in the cold. I was sobbing uncontrollably as I jolted towards the direction where my son went.

I ran. Even if I couldn’t see clearly under the rain, I tried so hard to chase after my poor boy.

“Eugene! Where are you?! Eugene!”

As I looked left and right, I saw my son standing near the edge of the road. I sighed in relief. I thought there would be a way to fix this. Not until I saw my son walking towards the middle of the road.

Beep! Beep!

A big truck was dashing towards his direction.

‘No. No way. If my truck hit my son, he would…!’

Looking alternately at Eugene and the truck, it felt as if everything went in slow-motion.

I jolted towards him, shouting and begging. My cry turned whimpered in this pining melancholy as I reached out my hand and pushed Eugene out of the road.

In an instant, my whole body felt an immeasurable pain as if a sword shredded me into pieces.

I saw darkness, and heard the echo of my own voice.

As seconds passed, I felt numb and tired.

“Mom! Mom!”

At the loud voice, I forced my eyes to open. Barely opening my lids, I saw my son. He’s drenched in rain as he held my shoulder and cried out loud.

“Mom! Open your eyes! I am sorry! Please don’t leave me!”

This child, this sweet child. Even if he said that he doesn’t not want to live anymore, I know that he loves me the most.

‘He deserves better.’

'Perhaps, if I looked for Eric way back then, nothing like this would happen.' 

How funny. Just a moment ago, I vowed that I won't forgive Eric even until death. But look at me, blaming myself for not searching for my child's father.

“Mom!”

Before I closed my eyes, a dull roar, much like a snare drum, reverberated across the sky. Harsh wind soared through the air.

‘Even in the last moments of my life, heaven wasn’t in peace, as if it was blaming me too.’

“Mom, don’t leave me! Please!”

I am so tired. I wanted to sleep now but while hearing my son’s whimpers, hot tears fell on my closed eyes.

‘I can’t die like this. Who will look over my son? How can I amend my mistake if I go like this?’

Please.

Give me a second chance.

Just what did I do wrong?

I gave all of my life just to be a good mom. I gave up my dreams, I worked like hell even if everyone stomped over me. So, why would I die?

I cried so hard while praying a futile wish, bearing with the last hope that I could survive and hold my son a little bit longer.

But at the last roaring thunder, I breathed my last on my son’s fragile and trembling hands.

‘I am sorry for everything, my child.’

“Mom? Mom, wake up now.”

My heavy eyelids opened at the angelic voice which was trying to wake me up.  The blurry images turned clear. Above me, there’s a cute boy with black hair, rounded eyes and rosy cheeks.

‘Did I really die? So, is this heaven?’

“Mom, are you okay? You rarely woke up late.”

I felt the corner of my lips drooped down as I looked closely to the boy in front of me. He’s not an angel. He was my son when he was still six-year-old.

‘The last thing that I remembered is that I died chasing after my son. But when I woke up, I realized that I came back to the past.’