Keep Myself Sane Novels & Stories

Mahinang bulong nito sa akin na pakiramdam ko kung hindi ako naging attentive ay hindi ko yun maririnig. Napalunok ako. I like this feeling, but it scares me the same time. I am trying so hard to stop this feeling. I am scared of it. It is like a poison that has no antidote. I am afraid that I keep falling to a deep shit. I don't want anything that holds me back from coming back to earth. I don't want it. I am afraid that I will loose my sanity because of it.

Hindi ako nakasagot sa sinabi niyang iyon. Aminin ko man o hindi, pareho silang may punto. Kaya nga ako sinabihan ng doktor na kinakailangan kong mag-leave sa trabaho dahil kailangan kong umiwas sa sobrang pag-iisip at stress. Iyon din ang rason kung bakit lahat ng paraan ay ginagawa ni Xavier para maging maayos ang kalagayan naming mag-ina. But I couldn't help staying calm.

As quickly as the humor hit me, the weight of everything came rushing back. I sighed deeply, pushing my hair out of my face. Hindi ko dapat pinapalakas ang ganitong nararamdaman. Hindi ko dapat hayaan na maka-apekto ito sa akin. Ano ngayon kung may ibang babae siya? Sa huli, tayo lang naman ay isang pansamantalang bagay. Walang iba. Hindi tayo dapat maging anuman pa, di ba? Simple lang—mag-focus na lang sa kung anong meron tayo para sa isa’t isa. No emotions, no complications. Just benefits.

I care for myself too much that I forgot that there are people around me. Is that a wrong thing? No. There's a limit to everything and to keep a person sane, it has to be balanced. Life has to be balanced. Hindi puro sarili na lang. This time, I want to have a new beginning that starts from myself for me to be able to reach out to other people. That doesn't sound bad.

“ARE YOU REING TO STAY THAT FAR, ARE YOU REALLY NOT GOING TO ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME YOU DAMN IT” Jeon can’t hold his temper anymore. This scheme of theirs pissed him off. He has anxiety and depression. But he's not dangerous and contagious f*ck them all. “WILL YOU COME NEAR ME? WILL YOU TALK TO ME? LOOK AT ME LADY. I WILL NOT HURT YOU. OKAY FINE, I DON'T DO IT. I DON’T HURT PEOPLE YOU DAMN IT”

Valine ang kambal bago kay Tanner para naman kahit papaano ay makapaghanda ako. “Tandaan mo hija, hindi ka nag-iisa. Hindi mo kailangan sarilihin ang lahat.” Seryosong sabi saakin ni tita Sanity kung kaya ngumiti ako sa kaniya at tumango. Napansin ko ‘din na naging medyo weird sila simula nang mag-usap kami noong nakaraang araw.

So chin up and don't get shake off. Mariin kong naipikit ang aking mga mata. With what she said, it somehow makes me calm. She's right, why would I be bothered? I can't control what people think or say about me, however as long as I know my conscience is clear things will be better. ---

I lived out my calling, being steadfast in whatever comes good or bad, being joyful in solitude, being patient with myself, and being humble enough to pay for the consequence of my mistakes. And there we go. I paying for t. Hindi ko kailangan baguhin ang lahat...ang kailangan ko lamang ay hayaan ang sariling sumama sa daloy ng buhay. Palihim akong ngumiti at tumingin sa buwan at iilang bituin na nasa kalangitan. Nakakapagod din palang umiyak at kaawaan ang sarili. Naalala ko nun ng hawakan ni Xahel ang kamay ko habang tina-takbo ako sa ospital. I feel safe.

Kaya naman, ang coping mechanism ko ay deadmahin lamang ang mga bagay na hindi nakakatulong sa buhay ko. Wala akong balak magpakaalila sa kanila today para mag-overtime for the sake of their useless existence. Kaya naman, bago pa maibuka ng co-worker ko ang bunganga niya para utusan ako, I immediately stormed out of the office for the sake of my sanity na din.

Iniwan ko sya at nagmamadali na akong lumakad palayo sa kanya. I need to eat. I need to calm my mind bago ako tuluyang mawalan ng katinuan. I don't want to ruin my day and I don't want to lose my job. I need this job habang di ko pa nakukuha lahat ng para sa akin.