Novel & Cerita Keep Myself Sane

“You sure, miss? Kanina ka pa rito.” My brows furrowed. Medyo marami na nga ang basong nasa harapan ko, pero parang hindi pa naman ako tinatamaan. I still feel fucking sane. In fact, too sane that everything still keeps running in my mind. “I’m still sane. And… I can still fucking pay kaya maglapag ka pa ng inumin,” I said.

If only I could go there and tell her about my plans. “I want to laugh. Muntik na nga akong tumawa noong kausap ko siya pero siyempre, kunware malungkot ako. Kung alam niya lang mga pinaggagagawa mo, baka ipa-mental ka pa niya.” Watching her and our sons from almost every corner of their house and framing hundreds of their pictures to hang inside my room might be creepy for others, but I was longing badly for them. What should I do? What should I fucking do to keep myself sane?

I can’t hear anything. I frustratingly slammed the book dahil nagmumukha na akong usisero dahil sa ginagawa ko. Marahas kong sinampal ang aking sarili at huminga ako nang malalim. Why is this happening to me? Why Am I like this? Damn! Just let them be Mino! You’re making yourself look like an insecure human!

Maybe I really need to sneak out and think more. Ayoko naman na para akong mababaliw sa kuwarto ko. Gusto ko makapag isip, malayo sa pamilya ko at ayoko sa mag-isip ng hindi maganda para sa akin, Febi is not good for my health too. I need to calm my ass, and plan it well, before striking. I gotta be careful, kung gusto ko na maexpose si Feline, then I need to calm my self now. Think of happy moments and then maybe I can plan it well.

“Hindi landian, kundi self-care with benefits. Kailangan ko rin ng bakasyon, hindi lang basta trip. Mental, physical, at sexual healing.” Natawa ako ng malakas, halos mapatingin ang ibang customer sa café. “Mental healing daw? Parang masisira lalo ‘yang utak mo sa ginagawa mo!” “Eh ikaw naman,” balik niya agad. “Wala ka pang bago. Halos maalikabok na yang love life mo. Ni hindi ko alam kung may nagtatangkang ligawan ka o puro tanim ng tubo ang inaasikaso mo.”

Still a bit early. I walked to the mirror near my desk and checked my reflection. I tried to smile at myself in the mirror. Just a soft one. Nothing big. Just enough to remind myself that I could handle this. I sat back down and opened one of the project folders. I read the same page twice, maybe three times, but nothing stayed in my head. I wasn’t really reading.

"Akala ko magiging madali lang iyon. Simple lang naman kasi yung sinabi niya... bawal ako mahulog sakanya..." "Pero hindi mo nagawa? Nahulog ka sakanya?" Tumango ako roon sa sinabi niya. Minsan kung saan pa yung akala mo sobrang simple lang tapos sobrang dali lang gawin ang siyang mahirap pala at hindi mo pa magagawa. Masyado akong kompyansa sa sarili ko na hindi ako mahuhulog sakanya. Masyado akong bilib sa sarili ko. Masyado akong nagpaka-presko. Hindi ako nag-ingat. Noong sinubukan kong pilitin at pigilan ang sarili ko ay doon ko napagtanto na sobrang nahulog na ako.

Pinagpalit ko si Monica at Anne sa kanya, pero niloko lang pala niya ako. Nagpasya akong umalis ng bahay dahil baka mapatay ko sila. Lalo na si Agnes, ang kapal ng pagmumukha niyang lukohin ako. Huminto ako sa isang bar at doon uminom gusto kong makalimutan lahat ng nalaman ko. siguro karma ko na rin ito dahil sa ginawa kong pag iwan noon kay Monica at Anne. Dapat hindi ko sila pinagpalit kay Agnes. Hindi ko naman napigilan ang sarili kong ibato ang basong hawak ko. dahil sa inis ko sa aking sarili.

I smile, but behind those smiles was me, breaking my sanity. But Sage happened. His like a ball of happiness and sunshine for me. Dumating s’ya nang hindi ako handa pero kahit ganun ay naging malaki s’yang parte ng self-healing ko. Lumabas ang pagiging totoo ko, hindi lang sa ngiti ko kundi pati na rin ang tabas ng dila ko. Pati nga ‘yong utak ko ibang level na rin dahil sa kanya. My Sage, what have you done to me?

Ang bawat salita nito ay may halong galit, takot, at frustration, na parang pinipilit nitong ilabas ang lahat ng nakapaloob sa loob nito. Kent exhaled slowly, keeping his voice calm even as his chest tightened. “Mae, listen to me… we’re scared, I know, but panicking won’t fix anything. We’ll take it one step at a time, okay? One step at a time.” He tried to keep his tone reassuring, knowing she needed something solid to hold onto, even if he himself wasn’t sure of every next step.