IKAW SA AKING MGA KAMAY

“Where the hell are you going, Scylla?” Inis na sigaw ng aking manager, halatang naiirita at hindi makapaniwala sa ginawa ko matapos kong bigla na lang mag-walk out.

Hindi ako lumilingon. My footsteps were fast, mabigat ang bawat pag hakbang, and almost stomping. Ramdam ko rin ang init ng aking pisngi, hindi dahil sa sampal na ibinigay ko sa lalaking nambastos sa akin, kundi dahil sa eksenang nagawa ko kanina.

The humiliation and the disrespect. Hindi porke waitress lang ako dito ay may karapatan na siyang mag mataas at basta nalang mambatos ng babae sa harap ng maraming tao.

My jaw clenched so hard. “Breathe, Scylla. Breathe.” I kept telling to myself, trying to calm down pero mas lalo lang lumala ang panginginig ko sa sobrang galit.

“Fuck him and his behavior.” Mahina kong bulong sa sarili ko.

I just needed to get out as fast as I could. Out of place, out of his fucking presence.

I hated it. I hated how I was forced into that situation. I hated how I had to defend myself just to be respected.

Behind me, may isang hindi familiar na boses akong narinig.

“You okay?” he asked while leaning his body against the doorframe of the exit.

For a moment, I didn’t even look at him.

Nanatili akong nakatalikod at nakaupo sa may hagdanan while trying to steady my breathing. My chest is still tight from everything that happened earlier.

I finally managed myself to stay still, to not let it show too much.

“Mhm.” Mahinang sambit ko. “I just need to breathe a little. Bastos kasi e.”

My voice came out low, steady, and controlled. Hindi ko na kailangang ipaliwanag kung ano yung nangyari. Enough na yung isang word para maintindihan na niya.

The silence after that felt heavy, but not awkward.

I could feel his eyes on me. Nakatitig at mukhang inoobserbahan bawat kilos o galaw ko. He didn’t ask anything more. He didn’t force me to explain.

And somehow, that made it easier to breathe.

I swallowed, slowly relaxing my shoulders, kahit saglit lang. My hands that were slightly clenched earlier loosened bit by bit, like my body was finally realizing na safe na ako at least for now.

“Some people really don’t know how to respect boundaries,” I added under my breath, more like talking to myself kaysa sa kanya.

Hanggang sa tuluyan na akong humarap sa gawi niya ngunit hindi pa rin siya totally tinitignan, just somewhere to the side. I didn’t trust my expression enough to face him directly.

May discomfort pa rin sa aking pakiramdam, and that tight feeling in my chest, the frustration, I couldn’t completely shake it off. Pero at the same time ay bahagya na rin akong kumakalma.

“Ngayon lang kita nakita dito, are you new here?” Tanong niya sa akin.

“Yeah, one week palang pero nakagawa na agad ako ng gulo. Sana hindi ako sisantehin. I have my reasons, at nasa tama naman ako,” I said habang naka-nguso, trying to defend myself, kahit deep inside alam kong medyo kinakabahan pa rin ako sa pwedeng mangyari.

I let out a small sigh, my shoulders still slightly tense habang inaalala ko yung nangyari kanina. Kahit sinabi ko na justified ako, hindi ko pa rin maiwasan mag-overthink at matakot. One week palang ako sa trabaho, and yet parang ang dami ko nang nagawa na hindi dapat nangyayari.

Napatingin ako sa kanya saglit, then umiwas din agad ng tingin, parang ayokong makita kung ano yung reaction niya.

Hindi siya sumagot agad pero ramdam kong nakatitig siya sa akin.

And somehow, that made me even more conscious of what I just said. Parang biglang lumakas yung kaba ko sa dibdib ko, like I was waiting for judgment or disagreement.

I swallowed lightly, trying to act normal again. “I mean… hindi naman ako basta nagwala lang. He was clearly wrong. I just… reacted and defended myself.” My voice softened a bit at the end.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, still avoiding eye contact, still trying to convince myself more than anyone else.

After a few seconds, I exhaled again, a little frustrated at myself.

Habang siya ay hindi pa rin nagsasalita.

“Masyado na akong maraming sinasabi. I should go na ulit sa loob. Hindi pa tapos work hour ko,” sambit ko habang bahagyang umiiwas ng tingin, ramdam ko na rin yung bigat ng sitwasyon at yung pagka-conscious ko sa sarili ko.

Akmang tatalikod na ako, ready nang bumalik sa trabaho kahit mabigat pa rin yung dibdib ko, when suddenly he spoke.

“Hold on a second.”

Napahinto ako.

Parang automatic yung katawan ko na hindi agad gumalaw. For a second, hindi ako lumingon. Nakatayo lang ako roon, trying to decide kung itutuloy ko ba yung pag-alis o mananatili pa ng ilang segundo dahil sa pag pigil niya.

Huminga ako nang dahan-dahan bago ko dahan-dahang nilingon siya.

Nandoon pa rin siya sa may hamba ng pintuan at nakasandal, pero this time mas direct na yung tingin niya sa akin. Hindi na siya mukhang detached lang. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin na hindi niya basta-basta bibitawan. Nag iingat.

“Don’t go back like that,” he said, steady yung boses niya. “Hindi ka pa okay.”

Napakurap ako, then quickly straightened myself a bit, like instinct na magpaka-normal. “I’m fine,” sagot ko agad, kahit ramdam ko na hindi convincing.

There was a short pause between the two of us.

He just looked at me like he was letting me hear my own lie.

That silence made me uncomfortable in a different way. Hindi siya yung nakakainis na katahimikan. It was the kind that makes you think too much and it's suffocating.

“I just need to finish work,” dagdag ko, mas mahina na yung boses ko this time. “Wala naman akong choice.”

For a moment, he didn’t respond.

Then he pushed himself slightly off the doorframe, not approaching me, just enough to break the stillness between us.

“Choice ko rin kung papaalisin kitang ganyan or not,” he said, his voice low but firm, as he stepped closer into my space.

“Kailangan ko pang mag trabaho… or else mawawalan ako trabaho.” Reklamo ko at tuluyan ng umalis sa harap niya.