TAKE IT BACK

LOLA

"Just do it."

I thought about Freddy. About how much my p*ssy burnt for the attention of his d*ck minutes ago, the desire to be under his weight, wrapped in his energy and gasping under the trap of his lips heightening.

I was only able to think good of myself in front of Freddy.

I didn't realize how much I needed him until I had him last night.

I was drowning in a sea of helplessness and I think only Freddy could save me.

I thought about Connor. I wasn't even sure what he thought about me, but from our last conversation, he seemed like a pretty decent person.

To what lengths actually?

The dream was still fresh in my memory, hovering around the edges of my thoughts, making me feel constantly guilty for what I wanted but probably would never get.

I thought about Greg. Greg was my father-in-law, Freddy and Eddy's biological father.

I closed my eyes and pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind. 

"It will never happen. I wouldn't dare," I spoke out softly, letting my own words filter well into my ears.

I didn't care what was going on in my head, I had to make sure I survived Eddy's venom for the rest of the week, and there was only one way.

Standing under the shower, my hands numb by my sides, my mind wandered through the possibilities of me ever getting liberated from this torture of a marriage.

With shaky hands, I tipped the shower open and let the cold water cascade down my body endlessly.

I wished it could wash off the pain, the shame, or maybe give me a new skin - one that would be perfect in Eddy's sight.

I stood motionless under the shower for several minutes, until I was able to gather my thoughts, and find the courage to return to my reality.

The weather was strangely chilly by that time of the afternoon, yet I dressed up in something light - a pair of flared pants, a basic top and my favorite leather sandals.

As I stared at myself in the mirror after I had dressed up, I saw exactly what Eddy talked about. 

I had become even bigger than the last time I checked. The material of the satin skirt stretched at the join line and my arm hung out plumply from the top.

I swallowed the hard lump that had formed in my throat and tore my eyes away from the mirror's image.

Inhaling sharply, I grabbed the car keys off the dresser and hurried downstairs.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed since breakfast, but the dining table was empty, quite - like it has been like that for a long time.

My eyes lingered on the dining chair beside the window, the one I had been sitting on earlier before being served shame and regret.

Then, I looked away, continuing to trudge forward like a soldier advancing the battlefield.

I wasn't sure where I was headed to, I just knew I wanted to leave the house.

So, I turned the ignition to start and left Eddy's house.

I drove for so long until finally, I was standing in front of the door to my father's house.

The familiar silence of Honourable Edwards Coogan's house still gave me anxiety bumps.

The environment felt like home, at the same time, like my own very prison.

For the first time in about two years, I was looking at the bunch of bright red flowers that lined the fences in the front yard - the ones I never got to find out what kind it was, the garage that took up more space than it should - it had more cars than the last time, the old solid walls that distinguished our house from the others in the estate.

Then I felt my skin shrank to the thought of getting locked up within the walls of this house forever better than the life I was currently living.

Suddenly, I heard the door creak from inside and the fear that had been laying steady in a corner of my stomach began to bloom, rising up fast to my chest.

I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here without my father's consent, but I was right here, standing on the only grounds I knew could restore my stolen peace.

Next, the door flew open, my heart almost slammed out of my chest, I shut my eyes to the impending rage, my breathing becoming hard and fast.

"Oh my God! Lala," my mother's shrill voice cried out, an air of calm feeling up my lungs fast.

"Mum?" 

My voice was shaky, the story of the undeserving life I have lived for two years wrapped in a weary smile slowly taking over my face.

My mother, Lady Montara Coogan, drew me into her bosom in a hug, planting a long kiss on my neck.

My mother felt warmer, and fuller. She smelled like real riches, unfamiliar. The soft feel of the fabric of her coat on my skin, the elite scent of her perfume, I definitely knew I had to catch up with whatever had been going on.

For a moment, I was lost in the moment of a reminder that love existed for me somewhere - not judgement and ridicule. 

I was still engrossed in the comfort of my mother's care when I heard my father speak from somewhere behind.

"Who is that?"

He sounded hard, impatient, merciless. He had not changed.

My blood froze in my veins as my mother untangled me from her arms, straightening up her posture, that fear disguised as respect for my father taking over her gaze.

"Lola is here," she said in a soft timid voice, her tone low like she had not just been hugging me, bawling with excitement.

I imagined my father's expression upon hearing those words, and my feet trembled in their positions.

"Let her in," he grumbled, his tone lower, more lethal than the first time.

The last time I sat in front of my parents like this was when I patiently listened to my father give me a selfish run down of how a marriage to a man I barely knew was in my favour.

"I wasn't informed you'd be here today."

I made to speak, but my voice came out low and heavily cracked.

I cleared my throat loudly.

"I want a divorce."

My body stiffened to my own words meeting my ears.

"Take it back," my father's voice slashed right through mine, anger silently brewing somewhere between his words.

I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came forth.

My eyes moved to where my mother sat, in a silent plea for intervention, but she couldn't say anything.

My father's words were always law, even with my mother. I already knew that, but I chose hope, and now it was all shattered.

"I won't hold this against you, Lola. Only if, right now, you take back your words and tell me the real reason you are here," my father spoke again, with the authority of a man who lords over his family according to his own rules.

My mother sighed a low sigh.

I thought about what life awaited me at Eddy's house if I continued to keep shut.

In that moment, everything within me had given up to my father's authority, but a single feeling rippled through my stomach.

I readjusted in my seat, crossing my trembling hands over my chest.

I wouldn't give up on myself like that.