ซูเหยาเมื่อฉันกลายเป็นแม่เลี้ยงผู้โหดร้าย

We all have secrets.  The first real secret I ever had began when I was nine years old. I’m not talking about when someone tells you something and you keep it to yourself—it’s more like when you know something or have seen something that no one else has, and telling someone about it takes away from your pleasure, from your secret. 

Now, I’m not going to talk about my secret eleven years ago. I’m going to talk about my biggest secret of all time. Back when I was sixteen years old.

My silky dark brunette hair flapped in the wind as I walked inside the school to pass my works I have been working for a week. The colors of my eyes are so dark brown, almost black and my skin is slightly tanned. I wore an aqua blue button down shirt paired with faded blue baggy pants and white shoes to top it all.

I greeted the guard, washed my hands thoroughly, swayed them in the air with my notebooks between my armpits as I continue to walk the hallways waiting for my hands to dry.

I went upstairs for high school students have their classrooms on the second floor. As the polite student I am, I greeted all the teachers I passed by.

I saw my classmates inside the classroom as well so I awkwardly jog towards the small crowd. Chatters all around the room were heard as I enter. There were a total of eight people inside the classroom including the teacher. I know them all. Especially the person who stood the nearest to the teacher, smiling so wide as the teacher tells a joke. Ashton. Ashton Grey. As obvious as it may sound, we had something before. Something like in a relationship and yet we weren’t. We were allowed to do all things together but we are not allowed to date different people.

It’s like we reserved each other for us in case we’re ready to be in a relationship.

But as expected, it failed. We reached two years with no strings attached, little strings attached. It simply didn’t work. He found someone else, I found someone else. He was ready for someone else. He wasn’t ready to commit with me. And I felt the same too. I wasn’t ready to commit with anyone. But I was ready to commit with him. Because I loved him so.

We didn’t talk properly, he just simply ignored me and moved on with his life. I was at loss. I didn’t know the reason why. Our communications lessened. There was a barrier between us. A line that neither of us can pass. We were friends, best of friends. It immediately went down from classmates to just acquaintances. We don’t talk about anything aside from school stuff.

And we’re back to the classroom. I passed the notebook silently, bid farewell and got out of the crowd.

I let out a sigh as sweats form in my forehead. I could feel it in my back too. I pulled out my handkerchief and softly wipe the sweats. I walked downstairs and waved goodbye to the teachers and the guard then walked outside as the sun kissed my skin. I wait for a public bus to come when Ashton appeared by my side. I jumped to my feet and grabbed my chest, breathing heavily while he stood still, looking from left to right to look for a bus.

Coincidentally, we live near. A small world it is, my relatives know his relatives too.

We were drowned in silence. We weren’t talking but I was at ease. I feel really comfortable when he’s with me. Tingling feeling in my chest as my heart began to pound faster and louder like the whole world can hear it. I still remained calm and hid it well. I swore to myself never to think about him again but he silently creeps inside my dreams, filling them with things we could have done yet we chose not to. I still have lingering feelings but I deny them forcefully. I can’t. Not when he’s not prepared to be with me, a social butterfly.  One of the reasons he didn’t want to be with me was because he enjoyed the calmness and quietness when there’s only the two of us. He didn’t want the annoying crowds and teases.

Finally, he talks. “Can we take a cab, instead? Waiting for a bus takes forever.”

Is he suggesting we take the cab together? I narrow my eyes at him to which he stares back. His tan eyes that I once fell in love with is now staring at me again. Oh, how I’ve missed the feeling. How I’ve missed those eyes. How I’ve missed him. Ashton’s hair were as the color of his eyes, lying to the side of his head. His mole below his right eye is the most attractive of all. I find it daring. Ashton’s soft beautiful tan eyes shined with mystery and beauty as he caught eyes with me.

My lips turned into a crescent moon, unable to hide my happiness and nod. Ashton’s eyes left mine for a moment to call for a cab, letting me in first. I bit my bottom lip to try hide my happiness yet it manages to slip away. We sat beside each other, feeling our shoulders touch as well as our legs. I flinch to the touch but I sit still.

“Where to?” the driver asked, glancing at the rear view mirror.

I turned to Ashton and gave him a questioning look.

He replied to the driver, tilted his body forward. “Doña Gorgonia.” and leaned back to the seat. That’s my place.

I didn’t want to hope for anything so I though, we live near so it must be the reason. It is the reason.

“How have you been?” he asked staring at the view; trees and cars and buildings and houses and people. His voice was appealing. A husky voice that also I fell in love with. It sent a shiver down my spine when he asked.

“I’m good.” I stare at my little fingers twiddling.

Silence.

He stopped talking, enjoying his view while my heart beats faster everytime we touch. I inhaled deeply. I’m almost near my home, I can take it. I exhaled slowly. There’s no need to be uptight. We haven’t seen each other for a year, that’s all. No big deal. Oh no.

I still love him.

Out of nowhere, he turns to me. I wince and turned to him too. Ashton opens his mouth but then closes it again. I wait for him to speak. There must be something right? Is it okay to hope? Ashton sighed and stared at his hands with his chin down.

“Do you think we could’ve made it?” he quietly asks me. He never asks these type of questions. He never opened topics like these, he never wanted to. He avoided me and ran away.

I look over to him, tracing every feature of his face like I had a million times before, and as my heart begins to beat faster, I turn away.

“Yeah,” I barely whisper. “Yeah, I think we could have.”

The cab pulls over when I pointed my house, a tall peach metal gate covering half of the house that I live in. I offered the money to the driver when my eyes made contact with his.

We didn’t say anything. Our eyes told everything the mouth cannot.

And that was;

‘Will there ever be an us?’