Funny Cartman Novels & Stories

Life’s so unfair, man. “What does a spoon matter when we’re literally stuck in the middle of the woods with invisible monsters, shady, bad men and whatever else creeps around here? Can you please, for once, use your brain and kick some sense in the gear?” He whisper-hisses, so red in the face, he reminds me of a tomato. “You could join a casting for vegetable commercials looking like this,” I remark and laugh at the brilliant joke my brain just reacted. Shit, am I not the funniest guy out there? Look at me - sense of humor, looks, body and an impressive spoon collection, I have it all, damn it. No wonder my little vixen couldn’t deny me.

He said. Everyone glanced at me. "Oh wait. It wasn't funny." I quickly said. This time everyone laughed. Even Roman, although he tried to hide his behind his hand. At least he was being considerate about my feelings. "I can sense some double mindedness here." Carter said after his chuckling. He moved to the wood pile and picked up two sticks. "It's okay for you to admit that anything Phoenix says is the funniest thing you've ever heard." Rowena chuckled. She had a cunning expression on her face, although she was a little pale still. At least she seemed to be enjoying my misery so there was that.

I roll my eyes, and Montana elbows me in the ribs. **** Warner goes to check out his bedroom, not taking bags with him. “What the fuck!” he yells before a door slams, and we hear his boots clomping toward the top of the stairs. “Real fucking funny,” he announces, leaning his arms on the railing. He looks down to the group. “Ha, ha, ha, you got me,” he deadpans. “Thanks for the cow in my room. I’d blame it on Eli, but the truck out front has Montana’s name all over it.” He turns to look at her from his perch. “You’re officially part of the family now, and it’s open game on pranks.”

“Sis, what’s wrong? Did Chris say something to you? Tell me, and I’ll go deal with him right now!” “No.” Layla quickly glanced at their soaked clothes, seizing the opportunity to change the subject. “You’re both drenched. Go home and change before you catch a cold.” “Pfft, this?” Carter waved dismissively, beaming with satisfaction. “Totally worth it. I only wish I had my phone on me. I should’ve recorded the whole thing so you could see Shane’s pathetic face! It was priceless!” He laughed as he recounted the scene. “We only dunked him a few times, and the guy was already screaming for mercy! A grown man, bawling like a baby? Too damn funny! Let’s see if he still dares to run his mouth after

“They want your mate. That happened!” And let me tell you…for the first time in his life, Max poops in his pants. He went completely white and if Meredith wouldn’t be there to hold him he would have fallen on the floor. “Will you shut up, father?” Carter said and came to Max , taping his shoulder. “No one will take your mate. He was just joking.” and gave an ugly look to the old man. “What are you doing old man?’ he asked grandpa “Do you want to start a war here?”

“That usually happens once a week.” “I never realized it was that bad.” I thought out loud. “What a bunch of racist assholes.” I scoffed. Carter burst out laughing again, looking at me with a twinkle in his light blue eyes. “What?” I blinked. “Does it not apply to species? Should I have said a bunch of speciesist assholes?” Carter let out another loud chortle. That was something I never knew about Carter in the books. He laughed like a middle-aged white dad from suburbia.

His response made my smile widen. "Are you talking about Shrek, sir?" I enquired. My beaming smile was still intact on my face. "I have no idea about that cartoon's name," he replied coolly and scrutinized his gaze on my still beaming face. I was damn sure that I resemble a smiling hamster due to my chubby cheeks. "I would have never guessed that you watch cartoons," I replied him with laughter in my eyes. This was gold, this man, 'I was always serious' man over here watches the cartoon and I would have never guessed it in my entire existence.

“But I couldn’t do that.” “Might be good for him.” “I couldn’t hurt him. Not on purpose.” She sensed Jack’s hesitation and her gaze zoomed to him. “What?” “Can I give you some advice, Macie?” “Sure.” “Carter is a great guy. But his artistic nature sometimes causes him to do stupid things that make sense to him at the time.” Macie thought of Carter’s over-the-top reaction to her sitting on the back of a mechanical bull. Yeah. That made sense.

I finally let the words out, feeling my heart beat increase in anticipation for his answer. A pin drop silence wash over us for a few minutes and all of a sudden, Abel burst out laughing. I stared at him in shock wondering what was so funny "you... You want a job at Carters?" He laughed again and I only stared, wondering if I should call an ambulance. "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard" he calm down, wiping tears from his eyes "and what exactly do you want to do in my company princess, won't your father have me arrested for making his beloved daughter lift a finger?" He mocked and I lowered my head.

He laughed harder. His laughter was infectious, and despite what had just happened. I was laughing too. “Oh, come on! You were practically waving a flag saying, ‘Come at me, bro!’l” I said, shaking my head as I leaned back against the tree. Carter was still laughing, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “So that’s your mate? That blond jerk who just walked off? The one who rejected you? The one you keep having drama over?” He leaned in closer, his voice teasing yet curious.