Kalau Ku Seorang Diri Novels & Stories

Kael looked toward the old records. “There are things I don't know.” “And things you do know.” “Yes.” “Then tell me.” “I can't.” I closed my eyes. For a moment, I felt the old loneliness returning. The feeling of being eight years old and having no one. No family. No home. No answers. I whispered, “I'm tired of being the last person to know the truth about my own life.” Kael's voice softened. “Then don't face it alone.” I opened my eyes.

"Obviously I won't go. There are some things that don't change. I knew you would say no. But you will go You need to distract yourself, get out of that confinement that you call home. It'll be good for you. —I told you no, and that confinement that you criticize so much is my home. I'm not criticizing you. I'm just saying it's depressing that you're alone most of the time. I don't have a problem with loneliness. Not like others who have to party with hundreds of people and still feel alone and empty inside. Now that's more depressing,” I attacked. Kayler braked so suddenly that if it weren't for my seatbelt I would have pitched forward. -What's wrong? I swore.

Kayla's Pov: So let me tell you a little about myself: For as long as I can remember I have been alone, it has its benefits but mostly it can be so dam lonely, do not get me wrong I love living in the woods I feel so free, and I'm not one of them horses that are so proud of them self although I know I am something worth looking at, but Sadler that is not a good thing as it mean I attract so much attention to myself which I do not need or want.

I stood there for a long time, unmoving, thoughts crashing into one another. There was no one I could call mine. No parents. No siblings. No partner. Just me. A failed journalist. I ran my fingers through my hair, slowly making up my mind. Maybe California wasn’t for me after all. Not that it would matter where I went—the internet had its eyes on me everywhere. Except… Good. I’d start over. Focus on becoming the best version of myself. Live my life alone. My chest tightened at the thought as I left the room and returned to mine.

As I scrolled down, I came across a photo. Her account was mostly filled with videos of her singing. She rarely shared photos. In this one, she was sitting at a table, hand on her cheek, gazing out at the sea. My eyes drifted to the caption underneath: They do not know, those who do not live alone, What fear silence brings to a person; How a person speaks to themselves; How they run to mirrors, Longing for a soul, They do not know. She’d shared a poem by a Turkish author.

I Throw my hands out in frustration, the anger and pain building inside me. “God why can’t you see it? You claim to know who I am, who I want to be, well I call bullshit. Because if that were the case you would know that I am alone. As alone as they come and yes I have Melody and yes I sat with those kids at lunch freshman year but I have been alone my entire life. The only person I have always had was…” But I stop. I cover my hands over my mouth and my eyes go wide. ‘shit shit shit shit. Nessa what do I do?’ I call to her.

My reflection catches me every time I turn, pale and wide-eyed, a stranger wearing my face. I think about my mother, and how she would have known exactly what to say to me right now. I think about how there's no one else I can call, not really, not about this. My coworker would ask questions I'm not ready to answer. Everyone else in my life has drifted just far enough away that a moment like this one has nowhere to land except on me alone. Alone. The word sits heavy in my chest. I glance at the phone. One minute left.

I whispered wiping a tear off my cheek. There were times when I didn't want to live and I still feel that way. Even after promising Sagar that I will not harm myself I still prayed to God to take me away...from this world filled with dirt. I have no ambition in life, I have no dreams... I have no aspiration to live, in short words...I do not fear death. Death to me will be like a gift, a reward to take me from this misery and darkness. Even though I have Sagar, Aditi, and Chandni in my life, I don't know why I still feel alone. The only reason keeping me alive is the promise to Sagar and to help souls who are going through similar phases like me or much worse.

So why don't we go? Oh, this could be the end of everything So why don't we go somewhere only we know? Somewhere only we know Somewhere only we know Loneliness isn’t bad for me though. I am very used to it and I know pretty well how to make good use of it. All these time I am occupied with rebuilding my life with Mallory. I stand up facing a full body mirror beside the closet. ‘You’re doing fine Irina,’ I said to my appearance in the mirror as if talking to another person. ‘Dress nicely and grab yourself a nice drink.’ I added.

Maxiana I’m on the beach again, that beach of gems and calm, dark water. Black mist hangs all around me as I walk in no single direction, unsure if I’m going to step off the beach and into a vat of inky, black nothingness again. He’s not here this time. I’m not sure how I know, but I can just… feel that I’m alone. Horribly, inexplicitly alone. I’ve never been alone. Never. Not a single day in my life.