Kalau Ku Seorang Diri Novels & Stories

Mapait na lamang akong napangiti dahil doon. Dahil alam kong katulad din ni tatay noon ay iniwan na rin ako ni nanay. Kung noon ay ramdam ko ang pag-iisa hindi dahil sa kakulangan ng presensiya ni nanay, ay iba na ngayon. Dahil ngayon ko lubusang nararamdaman na walang-wala na ako. I know that this day will be the start of my journey in this world, alone. There's no one that I can lean on to. No person that I'll be able to hold on whenever I'm in pain. There's no one. No one but myself. Alone.

As I'm staring at the wall I hear the door open. I can't bring myself to see who walked in. Being alone is my new life now. I don't want my hopes up when someone comes to drag me out of the room, only to be left alone in the end. The door closes with a loud click and feet make their way towards me. I close my eyes in an attempt to stop the temptation of looking to see who's here. Please just leave me alone.

I had learned not to let anyone breach those defenses. This generosity has gotten me nowhere, and everyone ends up using me for their own purposes. Nobody will play with your feelings if you are heartless. I am a loner who does not require the company of others. I had walked through every stage of my life alone since there was no one to advise me on living it and making the most of it. Even if I haven't figured out how to make the most of my life, I can still live on my own. "You don't need anyone, Astrid. Even when you're at your lowest, you don't need anyone to recall how you made yourself proud many times. You graduated on your own even if nobody was to cheer you up," I told myself.

No one looked at me. No one cared. I swallowed slowly. “I’m alone,” I whispered. The words felt real. Too real. My stomach growled. Loud. Painfully. I looked down at the coins. Then around at the people. “I… I just have to survive,” I said quietly. My voice shook. But I meant it. Even if I didn’t know how yet. I took a small step forward into the crowd. Then another. And just like that— I disappeared into the world.

No one who would understand. I was completely alone.

I do not know who I will become. I do not know what waits for me. I do not know how much fear is still inside me. But I know this one thing now. I am not alone. And for the first time in my life, this is not a promise. It is a feeling.

"I don't belong here. Take me with you." "The killer is out to get me. A single weakness is all he needs. The last time we were together you saw what happened. You're not safe with me. I need to sort this out on my own, and I don't need you to distract me from this. I'm not going to be moved by tears, I won't give in to any amount of begging or groveling. Do not call me in any minor circumstances, unless you find yourself in dire need of my help which I hope is never. Are we clear?" I lost it at that time. "I can't...I can't do this alone. I'm so lonely. They look at me like I'm some criminal."

Tears slid down my cheeks silently z not from weakness, but the sheer weight of carrying myself through yet another storm alone. I rested my forehead against the cool surface of the desk, my other hand cradling my stomach. “I've got you,” I whispered. “No matter what.” Outside, the world was still loud, still cruel, still watching. But this moment, this small, quiet moment– I chose myself. And that had to be enough.

If it was yesternight, I'd have stormed out of this place immediately, but not anymore. The distraction was exactly why I came. I needed it to feel alive again. Sitting at the booth, I threw down the fourth glass of tequila and signaled for another. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I have no one to turn to either. In fact, this was the first time I have ever been on my own, without the company of Mia or Leon. I was home-schooled too. I bet my so-called mate and family are searching everywhere for me right now.

Please. But I don't call. Because some decisions have to be made alone. Even when alone feels like falling. Especially then.