The Mother I Could Have Been นิยาย & เรื่องราว

She didn’t want to meet me, but I begged the prison guard for the last visit. “Forget about me, Carys. Take good care of yourself. Don’t end up like me. I’ve made too many mistakes.” Her voice was gruff, and tears rolled down her cheeks. The weight in my chest held me back from saying anything. “You’ll always be my mother,” I said shakily. Mom burst out crying, releasing her innermost emotions. “Be a better person in your next life, Mom. Don’t make the same mistakes again.” She nodded and silently mouthed the words, “I love you”.

I didn't want to be an audience to their tear-jerking mother-daughter bond. "I don't—" Before I could finish, Mom’s voice blasted through the phone. "Serena, if Tara hadn’t insisted that a family should stay whole, do you really think I’d want a troublemaker like you back? "You’ve always been so stubborn. If it weren’t for you, your brother…Look come by or not, I don’t care either way.” Then she hung up. I stared at the black screen, my hand tightening around my medical report. I suddenly felt grateful for my illness.

********************** Some months later ********************** I have been avoiding Mazi for so long to no avail, I really regretted what happened between us in the past however I'm really pressured right now. My petty business is not enough to pay my rent, cloth, or feed Sarah and me, not to talk of Sarah's school fees. The hours I spent under the sun has made my skin darker and wrinkled, I don't wear makeup anymore and it used to be one of my favorite things in the world. Sarah would soon be eight years but she has matured beyond her age because of the circumstances revolving around us, I have failed her as a mother. "Mum, I'm hungry." Sarah's soft voice broke my reverie.

I nodded and leaned against her. And slowly, I faded away. ... Mom, if there is another life… Can I come back to you as a healthy child? You don't answer. I’ll take that as a yes.

“Didn’t you hear? The girl said her mom made her drink chili water!” Mom stepped back and shook her head. “I didn’t! I just wanted to see my daughter. “Jane, don’t you want me anymore? “You’re the baby I carried for ten months. I was a first-time mom, so I made a lot of mistakes. Can’t you forgive me?” Her words drew sympathy from all the mothers around her. They said, “No matter what she did, she’s still the child’s mother. She won’t hurt her child.” I cried even louder.

My life would never return to that suffocating abyss. I was no longer the cub she could manipulate. I could control my own life now. I didn't need to waste my life on someone who didn't love me. My mother's brow furrowed tightly. She stared at me with a repressed intensity. She seemed to be trying to see through me, to understand the source of this sudden rebellion. Finally, the roiling anger and disbelief in her eyes were replaced by something deeper, something I couldn't read. She said nothing more.

That was why she still hadn't realized that her mother was gone. However, Yelena wasn't the type to reflect on herself, so that left all of the blame squarely on Phillip. "You've enjoyed so much, but that all comes at a price. Do you seriously think she loves you so much that she can't live without you? Those few seconds earlier? That was probably the peak of your life right there. I wish you luck!" Yelena was completely oblivious to what I said to Phillip. "Impossible! There's no way Mom is dead! She's definitely fine! I'm heading back to see her now. I'm going to bring her here and have her listen for herself what her beloved son-in-law is saying about her!"

"Have you forgotten when you were ten years old, she locked us both in the basement for three days without food or water? "Did you forget how you cried and screamed for Mom? Yet, now you're wearing the clothes Elena bought you and helping Sofia go against me! Have you even forgotten how Mom died?" The death of my mother, Caterina Prodi, was no accident. Instead, Elena set her up, ruined her reputation within the family, and drove her to a point of no return. I had told Ettore this countless times, but he had long been bewitched by Elena and Sofia, so he could no longer remember.

The feelin‍g t​hat I’m faili​ng at this. I’m a t‌erribl‌e mother. I don’t kn​o⁠w‍ wh‌at I’‌m doing‍. I resen‌t her some​times. Resent the loss of freedom. The⁠ lo‍ss of mys‌elf. What‍ kind of mo‍t⁠her re‌sents her own b‍aby? I m‌ust fag’ll asleep be⁠cause I wake up three ho‍urs late​r. Sunl‍ig​h⁠t s‌treami‌ng. Silen‍ce. T‍errifying⁠ s‌ilence.

You walk with your dead child and call it life. My chest went tight. Who the fuck did she think she is bringin Ava into this? "Móðirin sér þinn sársauka. Hún sendi þig aftur til að laga það sem var brotið." The Mother sees your pain. She sent you back to fix what was broken. I coughed. “What?” She stared at me, though I couldn’t tell how. “No. I came of my own will. No fucking goddess sent me.”