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Today is the day I d*e.

Pagkapasok ko ay sinalubong ako ng masamang titig ni Lucian mula sa Rear View Mirror. Kung alam ko lang na sya ang susundo sa akin edi sana hindi na ako lumabas. T _ T

"Anong oras ka dumating? Perry said sa Ireland ka magii-stay for 3 weeks. Sana sinabi mo na uuwi kana para nasundo ka namin." I nervously asked pagkaupo ko sa passenger's seat.

He didn't respond but started the engine. Sana lang makauwi pa ako sa bahay na buhay. Sinubukan kong ilipat ng direksyon ang aircon when I noticed na nanginginig ako. I was puzzled. Bakit nga ba ako natatakot? I only met with Sid who is my bestfriend and my best buddie, my ride or die and also my sibling na rin. Im not romantically attracted to him and so is He. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako natatakot na maaway ni Lucian when I did absolutely nothing wrong. 

"Why are you in a Café with that man? I told you wag kang lalabas. What if mahuli ka ng mga paparazzi?"

Not even a single Hi or Hello. This treatment for 4 years? Dapat sanay na ako dito. Tago naman ang Café ni Sid tsaka mahigpit ang security tsaka na sya magputak pag nakita na nya ang pagmumukha ko sa mga magazine. 

"This was the first time in 4 years na lumabas ako, Lucian." I replied. 

He sighed. "Well, you could have invited your friend over instead of going out."

"Goodluck on doing that without having to explain yourself a hundred times to Manang and My husband." I can't help but to roll my eyes.

Naiinis ako. Parang sya pa yung may gana na magalit when ako dapat yung magalit sa sitwasyon na 'to. It's his choice na itago ako at ang relationship namin kaya magdusa sya kakaisip d'yan.

"Why are you even out with that man? You're married you should be aware of that. Next time I'll have Rogel to monitor you everytime you go out."

I was silent the whole time but I can feel the blood flowing in my veins get hotter. Sa loob ng 4 years na pagsasama namin, I was silent. Never ko syang sinigawan at never ko ding kinontra ang mga desisyon nya. I don't know saan ko nakuha ang lakas ng loob but I stand with the fact na this treatment that he gives to me--his wife--needs to end. I tried to hold my anger in but in the end It was like a balloon that popped all of a sudden.

"For God's sake, Lucian! Sid is Gay! Are you blind?! Stop acting like kasalanan ko na gusto kong lumabas. It's your choice na itago ako at ang relationship natin you never told me your plan in the first place and I don't remember agreeing with anything. And I know Im married!" I took a deep breath before saying the remaining words I wanted to scream.

"So, Don't you dare accuse me of cheating on you dahil sa ating dalawa ikaw ang umuuwi sa ibang bahay!"

Padabog akong umayos ng upo. I was out of my mind for a moment, 'di ko na na-control ang emosyon ko. I looked at the rear view mirror just to see na nakatingin din pala sya sa akin so I looked away. Hindi ko mabasa ang ekspresyon na nasa mukha nya, Im worried na baka damdamin nya masyado ang mga sinabi ko at magsumbong kay Dad.

"Sorry." Naiilang na ani ko. 

Naging tahimik ang byahe namin pauwi hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay. Pinatay nya ang makina ng sasakyan at lumabas na. I was left there thinking kung ano nalang ang magiging future ng marriage na 'to. Mom and Aunt Mely--Lucian's Mom--are always pressuring me na mag-anak na para daw mas tumibay ang relasyon namin, I would always turn that idea down answering them with my seemingly famous line--"Hindi pa po kami ready ni Lucian, Tita."

Lumabas ako ng kotse na lutang. I can't feel my legs anymore, probably dahil sa pagod sa pakikipagaway kay Lucian. Sagad na ang energy ko for today. Itinukod ko ang aking braso sa pader to try to regain my strength. 

"Ma'am Ivy, nakaready na po ang higaan nyo. Gusto nyo na po ba umakyat?" Sinalubong ako ng kasambahay naming si Denise. 

Worry and Pity was all over her face. Siguro nga ay mukha talaga akong kaawa-awa sa itsura ko ngayon. I was sad--but laughing. Bumakas naman ang pagtataka sa maliit nitong mukha. Baka iniisip nya ay nasisiraan na ng bait ang amo nya.

"Denise, can you prepare my night bath for me please?" I politely asked.

Nag-bow ito. "Yes, Ma'am." 

I watched her walk upstairs bago ako pumunta sa sala at umupo sa sofa. Im sad, really sad. Ayokong uminom matagal ko ng tinigil ang bagay na 'yon ayoko ding lumabas dahil for sure bubuntot lang sa akin ang mga bodyguards ni Lucian. I felt a tear travelling down my left cheek. Pakiramdam ko ay para akong isang ibon na nakatali sa sariling kulungan. 

I know most people would say na I should be thankful nalang dahil mayaman ang asawa ko, I can eat 3 or more times a day, I can shop or buy whatever I want but, it's more than that. I crave for a genuine love, I crave for the freedom I onced had. 

Sometimes I can't help but ask myself. "What even is Life?" 

"Okay ka lang ba, Ivy?" I heard Manang Lila's concerned voice.

"No, Manang Im not okay." I looked at her. "Im not okay, My marriage is not okay, My family is not okay, Even my brain is not okay!" 

Tinakpan ko ang aking mukha gamit ang mga palad ko at saka umiyak ng umiyak. I know this marriage won't last any longer. Alam kong sa huli ay masasayang lahat ng sakripisyo ko.

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